You know what is interesting. In the whole scheme of things, I thought being a husband would be much easier than being a father. I mean I was great at dating. I was one of the best daters ever. When Carol and I were dating, I was the type of boyfriend she would brag about. Poetry? Check. Thoughtful notes? Check. Unexpected flowers? Check. I was simply great. I don’t know where that ended. I would have to say when Brian was born. I was always under the impression that as long as you’re a great father, your relationship with your spouse would blossom as well. I figured if you did all the right dad things like playing with the kid, changing the diapers, waking up in the middle of the night to feed the baby, wake up early with the baby to let mom sleep, that my wife would be so proud of me. But what I forgot to do was really pay attention to her needs from me. I forgot the one thing that I shouldn’t have and that was that even though we had kids, our own relationship still had to grow. I still had to do all the things I had done, and still do the current things with the baby. Man, life is tough. You see, when you get married, and the pastor, or father, or judge just marries you and that’s it. They don’t really give you much advice, or any worth listening to. It’s not like they’re not trying to help you, it’s just that when you get married, you’re not thinking about what happens five years down the road. You’re thinking in the present time. You’re thinking about what you’re going to do that day, not how you’re life will be in five years. They don’t give you a book on how to make your relationship last and how things will change. If they did, man the divorce rate wouldn’t be 50% or whatever it is. Now I’m not saying Carol and I are in trouble. Far from it. But what I am saying is that I’m a lousy husband who is trying to get it right.

In my eyes, I’m a great dad. The kids love me, I discipline them, teach them funny things, show them who Michael Jordan and Barry Bonds are, buy them clothes, more shoes than they need, and simply shower them with all my love. But while I expend all that energy on them, I’m still supposed to show my wife the same? Man, after all the love I give my kids, I’m spent. It’s almost like if I was running two miles, at the end of the run, my energy tank is depleted and of course I’d need to rest before I’d be able to run any more. I give my kids so much, that when I’m done with them, my love tank is running on empty. And when it’s my wife’s turn, I’m so winded that I ask her for water. It’s not fair, but it’s something I haven’t yet learned how to do. My kids are so young. I feel like I need to be there for their every second of life. I mean what if something happens to me? I don’t want to miss a thing as Steven Tyler once said. But then it’s my wife who is left out.

I’m not such a bad person, just someone who hasn’t figured it all out yet. Our schedule is as hectic as ever and our time with the kids is so short since the day is only 24 hours. That’s one thing I’d wish for is that a day be more like 30 hours. You figure if we sleep 6 1/2 to 7 hours, and we work 9 hours, there’d still be at least 14 hours left in the day. As it is now, we leave the house at 7 AM and get back home at 6:30PM and then the kids are in bed at 9 PM. Man that sucks. And by that time, we’re so exhausted, we’re in bed by 9:30PM.

But it’s not all that bad. Carol and I are still young. I’m still 6 months away from 26. We have a ton of time to perfect this thing called marriage. But I guess it really is never perfected. My parents have been together since 2 years before my birth and I watch them from afar and they fight over dumb things too. But they’ve lasted. I can only remember one time when they really were apart because of a fight. I think my father left the house for a week or so. And the next thing I know, they were back together. So even though Carol and I do fight, we have days ahead to look forward to. In fact, our best days are yet to come. Actually as much as I hate the idea that I will continue to get older, I actually look forward to the time we’ll spend when the kids become older and more independent. The dinners out won’t be so late and the movie nights won’t end at 1:00AM. The shopping trips won’t get cancelled and our late night television watching will actually last passed 10:30PM. That time will come, but for now, if I can only figure out how to be a better husband. Where are my cliff notes?

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