Yes, last night I did go to the Britney Spears concert. I went with my wife, my sister, my pal Eddy Zucko, my cousin Janene, her husband and my sister’s and wife’s best friends. It was just a fun way to get out of the house, and be away from the kids for a short time. What started as fun, turned into a story of epic proportions. I’ll start from the beginning.
Eddy kept calling his dad, Teodoro to get an update on the score of the Lakers vs. Kings game. We were walking on the sidewalk, getting ready to enter the stadium and all of a sudden, two women were suddenly interested in what Teodoro had to say. I looked at them and they were awaiting the word on who was winning. And then this lady says, “Yah, Bibby’s two free throws tied it up.” I looked at Eddy and wondered why we weren’t married to these two women who were actually interested in the score. But then, I figured they probably were just frontin’ and while may even like the game, weren’t dream girls.
We walked into the San Jose Arena (I guess it’s now called the HP Pavilion or something like that) and it was a sure fire sell out. We walked to our seats which were awesome and watched a girl group called Third Phase try their best at getting a crowd’s attention that was waiting on pins and needles for The Brit to make her appearance. I decided to go with Eddy back upstairs as he wanted to buy a shirt. And no, he’s not a homo either. At least that’s what he tells me. Actually, I’ve seen him make out with a girl before at a club in front of everyone so I don’t think he’s homo. Anyway, he went to buy a shirt but had to get passed the 100 screaming girls who were in line (or what seemed to be a line) before him. I went immediately to the customer service station and asked about the whereabouts of an ATM. I needed some cash so I could grab a soda and something to eat and also maybe pick up a Britney souveneir for my boys. No, they’re not homos either. I picked them up the manliest green glow lights you can buy. While at the ATM, I listened to another lady squeal overjoyed that “her” Lakers (as she was calling them) won. I wonder if Jerry Buss knows that they were “her” Lakers. And then I watched another two women run over to the TV sets in the luxury section of the arena and come back dejected as “their” Kings lost. I thought to myself, “Why are there no guys who give a crap about this game in this arena?” Then I remembered, Eddy, my cousin’s husband, and I were the only guys in the arena. I then sent a text message to Eddy that read, “Lakers win, but you’re still a homo.”
As I stood in line for what seemed like 45 minutes to buy my soda and nachos for my wife and I to share, I started to get some of the essence of Britney-mania. Now I’ve been through Hulkamania, but this was quite different. I remember as a boy loving the Hulkster, but I don’t remember anything about who he was married to, how many tattoos he had, or if he had breast implants. But these young girls were all over Britney. They knew everything. I was standing in line, with two girls that were probably 15, right behind me. I’m guessing 15, only because I couldn’t tell. The girls were dressed like women, and not working women either, if you catch my drift. Oh, R. Kelly would’ve been in heaven here. R. Kelly and Eddy Zucko that is. They were hating on other girls who were in line that didn’t have the total “Britney” look going on like they did. They hated on girls who didn’t dress like “Justin” liked. And they actually thought they knew about music. Eh, at 15, I didn’t know much about music either. Hell, I don’t know much now. I’m at a freaking Britney Spears concert.
As I got back to my seat (that bastard Eddy left me while he was looking to buy his shirt) I sat down and noticed Nikka Costa jammin’ on the stage. Carol said that she wasn’t into Nikka. Her friend Trisha said she should be opening for Lenny Kravitz and not Britney. I don’t think Lenny is doing much headlining these days. I enjoyed Nikka. She’s trying to expand pop music in a sense that she’s still trying to be pop, but she’s fusing her music. She had a nice band and they were jammin’ hardcore. Eddy thought we might get bombed out of the arena, because he thought Osama Bin Laden was on the drums. If it was him, he had mad skills. Eddy then decided to leave again because he didn’t have the patience to wait in the long shirt lines before and thought they may be shorter. He was right as only 15 minutes later, he was back with a shirt. However, being the cheap guy that he is, he bought one that said 2001 Tour instead of the new 2002 Tour shirts. He saved an entire 10 dollars to buy a shirt that was last year’s model and didn’t even say San Jose on the back. What a guy.
After Nikka was done, they started playing music videos on the three big screens that they had over the stage. They played NSYNC’s Pop and this little girl behind me got excited. She had a brother and I asked him if he as an NSYNC fan and he said yes. They were probably between the ages of 5 and 7. Then P. Diddy’s video for I Need A Girl came up on the screen and I asked the young boy who he thought was at fault, P. Diddy, or J-Lo. He didn’t understand the question so I posed it a different way. He didn’t have an opinion either way. There were a couple more videos and then we were ready to go.
The show started and the theme was about dreams. Throughout the show, there were references to dreams, and there were a couple sequences reminicent of Nightmare on Elm Street. A blonde haired girl came out in a nightgown, sleepwalking. People immediately screamed for Britney, but I screamed that it was an imposter and called her Cordet (in Star Wars, Padme has two girls who pose as her as to not throw her cover because she has assassins coming after her, and one is Cordet). I was right. Britney came from behind and started the concert with Oops, I Did It Again. My almost three year old son sings a similar song. Since he’s not all the way potty trained, he sings, Poops, I Did It Again. The concert had a circus like atmosphere. It reminded me of Cirque Du Soleil in a sense that everything Britney did was very over the top and spectacular, but there’s also a downside to that. Her music totally suffered. She lip synced every song but two or three. My favorite of her songs was Lucky just because of the set. Very slick. But after about a half an hour, I was bored. Most of her fast songs sounded very much like the songs preceding. The concert was loud and flashy, but I was looking in the crowd trying to see if I knew anyone. However, that quickly changed.
All concert long, I was telling everyone within shouting distance that Brit was going to grab me and take me on stage. Nobody believed me. I wasn’t able to shave before the concert so I said that she was going to be into the scruffy look, ala Charlie from Party of Five. For the entire concert, they laughed at me for my prediction. That is, until Brit’s last song.
Right before she went into Slave 4 U, she walked over to my section and winked. Eddy Zucko got so excited. She then motioned with her finger that she wanted someone to join her on stage. Eddy got so excited that he nearly wet his pants. I told you he’s not a homo. But as she got closer, her finger was pointing at my wife, whom I was sitting next to. Dejectedly, I figured Brit was going to do some lesbo scene or something. I was hoping she had one bad eye or something and was really looking at me. And she did. She walked over to me and grabbed me from my seat and walked me on stage. I looked over to Eddy Zucko and I saw the saddest man at the concert with wet pants. Brit sits me on a chair and goes into her number. I couldn’t believe that she was being a slave for me. After the song was over, she took me with her to a platform that rose from the stage. We jumped on, and it returned us beneath the stage. I figured I was going to get a hug and someone was going to return me to my seat. But it didn’t happen that way. Brit had this look in her eyes. It was a look that said, “I wanted you.”
I looked at her and put my hands up and said, “Hey girl, even though I dig you, I’m married.” But then she grabbed a napkin and wiped the drool hanging from my lip. Whoops, I guess that’s what the look was about. So I thanked her, but she didn’t move.
I said, “Thanks for everything, I’m Stronger today than yesterday,” in what was a weak move at being witty, repeating one line from one of her songs. I was nervous. I’ve never been around such a star. She gave me a dirty look. The kind of look that PJ used to get at the clubs when the girls took a whiff of his breath.
I then said, “Brit, whatever you want, I’m A Slave For You.” Damn, I’m so nervous.
So then, nervously I uttered, ”Oops, I Did It Again huh.” Oh man, I’m really screwing it up with the pop queen. She must think I’m such a Justin Timberlake or something. Finally, she spoke.
She said, “The reason I grabbed you from the stage is because I thought you were different than the other fans. But you aren’t. You did just like everyone else. Trying to be witty. Trying to charm me and doing a horrible job. You know Eddy, I just . . . .”
Then I interrupted her. “Eddy? My name isn’t Eddy.”
She said, “What do you mean? My dancers were scouting the hotties in the crowd for me and she pointed at you and said your name was Eddy.” Oh damn. I was the wrong guy picked.
She then said, “You see, some of my dancers walk around the concert before I go on and scope out the nice guys who I may bring back to my suite for drinks, and they met a guy with a PHD in Psychology named Eddy and said he sat where you were sitting.” I was going to say that I didn’t know anyone with a PHD named Eddy, but then realized Eddy was putting the moves on one of the dancers, not knowing it was for Britney.
I then asked Brit the one question that would let me know it was my buddy she was looking for. “Did this guy grab the dancer and start to make out with her right in front of everyone ?” I said. She nodded. Oh man, that was Eddy Zucko for sure.
I then told Brit that I would get Eddy after the concert but I can’t lie and say that my pride wasn’t shaken. Eddy Zucko, PHD in Psychology, and the man who bedded Britney Spears. Even as I type this, my hands are trembling at the thought. My best pal. Justin Timberlake’s worst nightmare. The one man who put his spear into Britney.
I just saw Eddy yesterday and if you’ve seen Batman with Jack Nicholson playing The Joker, you know what Eddy looks like. He has a smile glued on his face. Damn.
I was always told that when people want to fabricate the truth, they write in italics, but I never believed that.