Aug 26 2002
The Pretty Goodest Day Ever
In what was supposed to be ?the greatest day ever? or what Eddy Zucko says was going to be the greatest day of his life, turned out to be a decent day, even a little disappointing. I was stoked and even woke up early as I had a baseball game in the morning, and then my Fantasy Football draft in the afternoon, followed by WWE?s SummerSlam, or as my wife once called it, SummerDam, in the late evening. (When we first moved in together, she called any WWF wrestling show, SummerDam based on the fact that she knew there was a wrestling show called SummerSlam, and simply got the name wrong. SummerDam was all she knew, so everything became SummerDam.) My team lost the baseball game, my Fantasy Football Draft wasn?t all that it could?ve been, and then AT&T Broadband continued their streak of awful service as I couldn?t order the SummerSlam PPV. For now eight straight months, I have ordered the PPV, had to contact technical support because it didn?t come on immediately. Usually, the technical support person would re-order the PPV and everything would be fine, and we would only miss about 20 minutes. But today, the technical support lady couldn?t figure out how to get the PPV on my TV and decided to tell me about 40 times how sorry she was to inconvenience my time. Inconvenience my time? How about inconvenience my life? I threw the old, ?well I?m going to change to a satellite dish? spiel and then hung up the phone. My friend Troy decided to take one for the team and we went over his new, but still in the process of being moved in, home. He has Dish Network, and it worked like a charm. Damn those AT&T guys! And our frowns slowly turned upside down.
We missed about 50 minutes of the show, and good ol? JR hasn?t yet told us what we missed. You can watch RAW and they recap the show every ten minutes. Order the PPV, and get in late, and they don?t show you anything. We were joined in progress (that?s what it felt like) and watched Booker T take a boot to the face from the UnAmerican Test to lose the tag team championship match with his good buddy Goldust (a freaky guy painted in gold played by Dusty Rhodes? son, Dustin) against the team of Lance Storm and Christian, called the UnAmericans. They are a Canadian team who dislike America and they get big time heat (boos) from the crowd. The anti USA team keeps their belts.
Then Nidia, who is somewhat a ?white trash? character even though she is dark skinned (she plays the character well), gives the winner of the kissing contest about 30 seconds of her tongue. She was loving it. Eddy Zucko was salivating. He loves him some Nidia. Or maybe he was salivating at the guy she was kissing? Let?s hope not.
Next is the Smackdown vs. RAW match as Chris Beniot, the Intercontinental Champion who is a RAW brand guy faces off against Rob Van Dam who is a Smackdown brand hand. Stephanie McMahon plays the owner of the Smackdown brand and Eric Bischoff who once was Vince McMahon?s biggest enemy plays the RAW brand owner. We all know that Vince really runs the show, but just for soap opera sakes, bear with me. This is the only match where a Smackdown wrestler fights a RAW wrestler (it?s usually Smackdown vs. Smackdown and vice versa) so the two owners are in the same room rooting for their guy. The match is a tough as nails contest and the camera all of a sudden switches to a shot of Stephanie rooting for Benoit. I say, ?What the hell did that do for the show? Why does she always have to show her fat ass on TV?? To which Eddy replied, ?Sexy ass, sexy ass.? I?d rather be in Chyna.
In a surprise, RVD reverses a back suplex by Benoit and then gets on the top rope and hits the Five Star Frog Splash (think of a frog jumping off the top rope) to win the match. Most people believed Benoit would go over in this match, but RVD got the duke. My friend Troy?s wife Heather and their daughter are big RVD fans. Watching 3-year old Lilly put her arms at her side with her thumbs up and point towards her head in rhythm with the letters R-V-D always makes me laugh.
The match we were hoping that we missed was next. Test, who I like to call Mr. Icle and who interfered in the Booker T match, faces off against who JR likes to call ?The American Badass? and who I like to call ?The American Jackass? the Undertaker. Since Test got over on Booker, expect him to lose to the Taker with some help from Booker. I say some help because Booker may help the Taker, but Taker will surely hit a few moves after Booker helps him as to not show himself as needing help in the match whatsoever. Test tries his hardest to be the next Kevin Nash, but he doesn?t have that cool factor that Nash once had. I say once, because Nash hasn?t had it in years. This match is painfully slow. I wish I had to go to the bathroom right now. And I wish I had the sports page that I could read from front to back. And when I come back, this match would still probably not be over. Lance Storm comes in and the Undertaker beats his ass. He beats up Test and Storm until Test gets his finisher in, ?The Kick Of Fear?, which is the same boot he used to help beat Booker T with earlier. However, Undertaker kicks out and goes on to use his old school finisher, ?The Tombstone Piledriver? to pin Test. Wait, Booker gets pinned by a move that the Undertaker kicks out on? Sometimes, it?s just not fair.
Next is one of the matches I?m looking forward to. It?s ?The Heart Break Kid? Shawn Michaels versus ?The I Hump The Bosses Daughter Kid? HHH. The background story is that Shawn was the top dog and HHH was his partner in crime, and now, 4 years later, the roles are reversed. In real life, Michaels hurt his back pretty badly and hasn?t wrestled since losing the strap to the phenomenon called Stone Cold Steve Austin in 1998. Back to the match. Shawn?s entrance received a tremendous pop. Unfreakingbelievable. I didn?t get the true Shawn entrance with the feminine dancing and everything. But if you turned to watch me, I did the dancing for him. I?m such a sexy boy. Michaels did come in with a Philippians 4:13 shirt, to which Hea Jin screamed, ?that?s my favorite bible saying?. Triple H decided to come in the ring and this time it only took him 6 minutes instead of the usual 10. Because of Michaels? bad back, we?ll probably see a bunch of punch and kicking and less of what Michaels used to give us, but it?s still better than no Michaels at all. If Triple H will bump for anyone, it?s going to be for Michaels who is one of his good real life friends. They?re doing a good job selling the fact that HHH is despicable for going after HBK?s back. HHH is getting great heat by taking the chair to Michaels? once crippled back. Shawn is bumping more than I thought. HHH takes a page out of Hulk Hogan?s book as he takes HBK?s belt and starts whipping him like a ?rented mule? as JR once said. Every time Michaels starts a comeback, HHH thwarts it making me believe Michaels will get the win. HHH drops Michaels on a sitting chair in a sick move. JR and The King are selling through their commentary that Michaels is crazy to keep fighting. Great heat for this match. The fans are eating this up. Michaels hits a ?Sweet Chin Music? super kick into a chair that HHH was holding near his face and HHH is busted wide open in a ?crimson mask?. HBK is pulling out all the stops here. Why do I think he?s been lying to us about this back of his all along? He pulled out the ladder and used HHH as a rock in a slingshot and HHH was plunged on the ladder. And then he did everything one could do to knock HHH unconscious. And HHH still kicked out of the pin attempt. Jeez. I bet if Michaels pulled a gun on HHH, he still would refuse to be pinned. HBK is insane as he went to the top rope and put HHH on a table and jumped on HHH, putting both through said table. HBK then goes up to the top of the ladder and puts an elbow into HHH?s throat, thus signaling JR to use his ?for the love of God? phrase. HBK finally gets the pin, but HHH brings the sledgehammer and starts slamming HBK?s back. JR is refusing to believe that ?the son of a bitch? as he called Triple H hit HBK with the hammer in the back. The crowd chanted HBK while he was put on the stretcher. HBK is amazing.
I just figured out that because of AT&T?s lack of service, I missed two of the matches I wanted to see in Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio Jr. and Chris Jericho vs. Ric Flair. Damn. Damn. Damn. Wait a minute, here comes Trish. Ok, I forgive AT&T. Trish looks delicious. Or better yet, Trishalicious.
Finally, the main event. The Rock vs. Brock. The Brahma Bull vs. The Next Big Thing. It?s going to be hard for this match to pick up early heat because the crowd seems spent from the match before hand. The Rock always has great energy in his matches, but for some reason, it?s not vibing for me, although it still has very good crowd heat. And then Brock goes to the ?bear hug? which usually means, ?I?m tired, so let?s hug?. The crowd seems to turn on the Rock every once in a while, and they do so here as well. It doesn?t make sense to me as he?s a total face and Brock is a total heel. Maybe it shows that they?ve done a good job elevating Brock into someone the fans actually care about. Match is picking up as Rock puts Paul Heyman who is Brock?s mouthpiece through the poor Spanish announcer?s table. (Since WWE markets to Spanish speaking fans, they have Spanish announcers for the Spanish audience. But whenever anything happens as far as the announcer?s tables being wrecked, it?s always the poor Spanish announcer?s tables that go to pieces. And the poor Spanish announcers have to do their job standing up the rest of the night.) In a nice way to end the match, Rock gets ready for the infamous People?s Elbow and Brock kicks up and gets ready to hit the F5, but Rock breaks it up and goes for the Rock Bottom, but Brock breaks it up and then hits the F5 to win the match. It?s a pretty good finish because Rock is going to Hollywood anyway for another 6 months, and they established Brock as a hot champion.
I was extremely tired at the end of the night, but still checked to see that the Kurt Angle match that we missed was one of the best of the night. Oh well, stuff happens. And as I went to sleep, it was the end of the pretty goodest day.