The Royal Rumble is that one pay per view that sticks to it’s original gimmick. The Survivor Series used to have 5 on 5 elimination matches, but today, you rarely see that. But, the Royal Rumble sticks to it?s guns. It first started as a USA channel special and drew huge ratings. But it was really the undercard to what was the Andre vs. Hulk Hogan contract signing for their rematch at Wrestlemania IV. Who won the inaugural rumble? None other than Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
Tonight, we?re at the apartment of Hea Jin and Randy, or Randall as he will be known here. We?ll have everyone?s predictions and we?ll see if I can go undefeated.
The Players: Hea Jin, Randall, Edson (aka Eddy Zucko), Blake (aka Low Jones), my sis Tawni, Troy, Heather, and me.
First match-up is Brock Lesnar vs. The Big Show. Whoever wins this match-up goes on to the Rumble match for a shot at a title shot at Wrestlemania.
Predictions: Everyone said Brock. No one gives the Big Show a chance. Poor Big Show.
My guess is that this match will be short and there won?t be much to write about. So I?ll tell a Hea Jin story. I was astounded to find out that she still has her Tivo remote control in the plastic it came with. I thought maybe because the Tivo was new, that she or Randy hadn?t really had the chance to take the plastic off. Untrue. Hea Jin said that it?s an Asian thing. I wonder if my grandma kept the plastic on her rice cooker? Oh, she never used one. I forgot, real Japanese don?t use rice cookers. They use the pan and their finger to measure the water. That Hea Jin kills me sometimes.
The match is slow as I figured, but at least Brock worked hard. Big Show almost killed him twice. The first time was when he dumped him over the top rope and the second time as when he almost fell on him during a German suplex. Lesnar put the F5 on Show to win the match. That guy is the true genetic freak.
Terri Runnels, exwife of Goldust, interviews Jericho next. Bad move by Terri by wearing a business suit. People buying pay per views want puppies. But to me, she actually looks more attractive in her business suit. But Eddy Zucko wanted puppies. And so did Blake. And so did Hea Jin.
Enter Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler on commentary. The next match is Lance Storm and William Regal defending their World Tag Team Championship against those damn Dudleys.
Predictions: Everyone picked the Dudleys but Hea Jin and me. I can?t believe I agreed with HJ while going against everyone else. I guess I better get some shrink-wrap for my Tivo remote.
Those damn Dudleys are the favorite, but I think they?ll get their win at Wrestlemania. This match is a little slow so I?ll tell another Hea Jin story. She brings out a box of fiber cereal and says that the average American eats only 10 grams of fiber everyday. And the Average American needs about 35 grams of fiber everyday. Hea Jin didn?t have milk so she put water in it instead. No wonder she keeps the plastic on her remote.
First close fall was a Bubba Bomb on Lance Storm for a nice two count. Chief Morley comes out. Morely was the old Val Venis, the first porn star character. Dvon gets a hold of William Regal?s brass knuckles and knocks out Lance Storm to win the belts. I smell a Dusty finish. A Dusty finish is the idea of the famous Dusty Rhodes. Dusty would book the match to end with one person/team winning and then another ref would come out to switch the decision and swerve the crowd. This was a big deal in 1985 when Dusty wrestled the Nature Boy Ric Flair at Starrcade. Dusty won and the fans watching on PPV or closed circuit (I?m not sure if it was on PPV or not) went home thinking Dusty won the match and the gold. But, the Dusty finish caused them to change the decision, and Flair kept his belt. It?s really an uncreative way to book the ending of the match, but it happens. The setting was perfect for the Dusty finish, but they didn?t go with it. The Dudley?s are your tag team champs. I?m never choosing with Hea Jin ever again.
They are doing the promos for the new WWE disgusting marketing tactic for a storyline. Torrie Wilson?s father was shown backstage a few months ago and Torrie?s enemy, Dawn Wilson decided that to piss off Torrie, she would hook up with her 60-year old father. They fell in love, and then for one week, Dawn all of a sudden started making out with Torrie and wanted to be lesbian. They dumped that storyline quickly and then all of a sudden, Dawn and Torrie?s dad Al were married. On the honeymoon, the frisky Dawn had sex with Al so much, the he slipped in a coma and died. I?m not making this up. It?s Torrie vs. Dawn in the first ever Stepmother/Stepdaughter match.
Predictions: Everyone picks Torrie. No one picks the grieving widow who humped her husband to death. My prediction: This will be the worst wrestled match in the year, and we?re only in January.
Dawn comes out with a black veil on her head and over her eyes. In the first worst move of the year, Dawn came to grab Torrie and Torrie put her head down, and they bumped heads. Classic. Benoit vs. Eddy Guerrero this is not. Torrie wins with a reverse neck breaker. With all the damn TV time they?ve been giving to this feud, it was anticlimactic.
Backstage they show Eric Bischoff and Stephanie McMahon arguing over who?s going to have the better surprise on their respective shows. I?m so hoping Stone Cold Steve Austin is in one of those surprises. Either he or Juventud Guerrera.
Big Poppa Pump Scott Steiner vs. Triple H is next.
Predictions: Randall, Troy, Blake, and Hea Jin take Pump. Ooh, a betting man goes against Hea Jin. Tawni, Zucko, Heather and I all take Triple H. I just don?t see H bumping and putting Steiner over for the last month, only to then lose to him here. I still say they take this to Mania and Pump wins at Mania.
This has a chance to be worse than the woman?s match. Wait, I said the woman?s match would be the worst match of the year. Ok, second worst match of the year. Pump starts off the match laying into H. He?s killing him. Forearm after foreman. So far Pump is taking it to HHH. H is playing this like a total baby face. Steiner puts the Boston Crab on HHH and Blake yells at the TV, ?Tap you sonuva bitch, tap!? Blake hates HHH. But Eddy then shot a glare at Blake. HHH is Eddy?s reason for living. If Eddy was gay, he would want him some HHH.
Ric Flair vs. Ricky Steamboat this match is not. Triple H got Steiner ready for his finisher, the Pedigree, but Steiner powered out of it, very slowly. Every step Steiner takes, he looks like he?s in pain. How I wish this was Ricky Steamboat vs. Randy Savage from Wrestlemania III. Hell, I?d take Junkyard Dog vs. Harley Race in the ?Loser Must Curtsey? match from that same card. Steiner must be forgetting his moves as he goes for 4 belly to belly overhead suplexes. Steiner tries for the Tilt a Whirl and falls. The crowd is dead and groaning. It?s one thing for the crowd to be dead as if they were watching a Test vs. Al Snow match (ok, I stole from Mick Foley on that one), but it?s another thing for them to be dead, and all of a sudden groaning. Flair tries to stir the crowd up by taking HHH down the ramp in hopes of a count out, but Steiner goes after him. The crowd groans some more. Hea Jin exits. But before she exits, I get her predictions for Angle vs. Benoit (she?ll take Angle) and for the Rumble match she takes her fellow Christian, HBK. Triple H tries to get himself disqualified by throwing the referee, but the ref reluctantly tells H and Pump to continue and the crowd groans yet again. Steiner goes for his 5th belly to belly overhead suplex. H gets the sledge hammer and slams it into Pump?s gut and finally, the referee disqualifies HHH. And Steiner starts showing his ass. Actually, his tights were falling and he showed his thong. Steiner then puts HHH in the Steiner Recliner (just a version of the old Iron Sheik?s Camel Clutch) and Eric Bischoff comes out to beg Steiner to release the hold. Triple H played this politically big time. He played the bumping baby face to Steiner?s raging, no selling Goldberg style. Triple H knew that Steiner would blow up (run out of wind) and that the match would suck the big sloppy dunky one and he could make Steiner look really bad. The crowd turned on Steiner once he fell down during the Tilt a Whirl and HHH was probably smiling inside the rest of the match. I?d rather have seen Dawn Marie vs. Torrie in a match to decide where Al?s ashes were spread rather than go through that match again. And if Al didn?t want to be cremated, I?ll take Al Snow vs. The Big Bossman in a ?Kennel in a Cage? match.
The next match has a chance to be classic. I?m talking Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Bret Hart at Wrestlemania XIII classic. It?s Kurt Angle vs. Chris Benoit for the WWE Championship.
Predictions: Hea Jin, Tawni, Eddy, Randy and I take Angle. Heather, Troy, and Blake go for Benoit. I?m suffering in these predictions.
First ?Oh My God? move of the match. Angle and Benoit are fighting outside the ropes, but still on the apron and Benoit DDT?s Angle while both fall to the floor. Wicked. Second ?Oh My God? move of the match. Angle shoots Benoit toward the ropes and as he comes off the ropes Angle gives his version of the belly to belly overhead suplex and this one is wicked. That?s the second time I?ve used that word in this match. And that my friends, is a good thing. Third, ?Oh My God/Wicked? move of the night. Chris Benoit goes for his 3-German suplexes and after his second, Angle reverses it and goes for his 3-German suplexes. Nice little counter of moves was next. It went like this. Benoit?s Crippler Crossface turned into Benoit?s version of the Ankle Lock which Kurt reversed into his version of the Ankle Lock, and Benoit reversed it again, and then I lost the path of moves. They?re going too fast. Angle then hits the Olympic Slam and then goes back to the Ankle Lock. First ?Oh Shit? move of the night. Benoit went for a German, and then Angle reversed it for his own German, and then Benoit went for a German that flipped Angle head over heels. Finally, Angle gets Benoit to tap in some version of the Ankle lock (Dave Meltzer called it a Heel Hook, so we?ll go with that). Damn good match. Compared to the prior match, this was the greatest match I?ve ever seen in my life. Benoit gets a standing ovation in the middle of the ring. Damn deserves it too.
And now to the Rumble match. The saving grace. But after the match we just saw, it?s going to be somewhat of a let down.
Predictions:
Randall says Brock Lesnar.
Blake says Brock Lesnar.
Eddy Zucko says Booker T.
Hea Jin says HBK.
I say Brock Lesnar.
Troy and Heather want to wait and see. Tawni says she can?t pick yet. Yeah, I?d love to wait until the 4th quarter to bet on the Super Bowl too.
HBK is your first entrant in the Royal Rumble. And Chris Jericho is number 2. Wait, Christian comes out and Jericho enters from the back and gives HBK the low blow to his testicles. I wonder if Christian is really a Christian like HBK? Jericho goes under the top rope and Blake screams, ?Isn?t he eliminated!? No Blake, you have to get thrown over the top rope with both feet hitting the floor. Christopher Nowinski is your third entrant. Nowinski doesn?t enter and surprisingly a bloodied HBK is thrown over the top by Jericho. That doesn?t make sense to me for him to be eliminated so early, but oh well. Rey Mysterio is your next entrant. Nowinski still hasn?t stepped in the ring yet. Reminds me of the time Bobby ?The Brain? Heenen thought he won a Battle Royal until he found out George ?The Animal? Steele hadn?t yet entered and Steele threw out Heenen to win. Edge is your next entrant. And after Edge is his awesome brother, Christian who we saw earlier. Christian immediately goes to hug Edge and Edge spears him. Jericho is still on the outside as he was thrown through the ropes several minutes ago. Chavo Guerrero is your next entrant. I smell a 619. Mysterio 619?s Chavo and then does Christian one as well. Mysterio eliminates Nowinski and Jericho eliminates Rey Rey. Jericho is the Royal Rumble MVP thus far. He took out HBK and then Rey Rey. Tajiri is next. Tajiri is a kicking machine. Uh, oh, the biggest pushed guy of the last month, Bill Demott is next. Tommy Dreamer comes out next and he brought his garbage can full of toys. He takes a kendo stick to Demott, then Chavo, then Christian, then Jericho, then he and Edge go after Demott with multiple kendo stick shots and Demott goes out. Conchairto on Dreamer, and he?s out too. Tajiri tries to put the Tarantula on Jericho, but Jericho tosses him out. MVP Jericho. B2 comes out. B2 stands for Bling Bling. B2 goes out immediately. Reminds me of the Royal Rumble when Bushwacker Luke walked into the match doing his Bushwacker Luke walk, raised his hands to the fans, was immediately eliminated, and walked right out doing his Bushwacker Luke walk.
Edge spears Chavo out next and Jericho eliminates both Edge and Christian. Jericho is by himself. He?s the MVP. Out comes RVD, or Rob Van Dam if you need to know. They go toe to toe with moves that make Steiner vs. HHH look like Gerald Briscoe vs. Pat Patterson in the evening gown match. Matt Hardy Version 1 is next in. RVD goes Froggy Splash (5 Star Frog Splash) on Jericho. Just be fair to Jericho. Eddy Guerrero is next. He goes right after RVD as he probably wants to show off his Froggy Splash. And then he gets the chance to do it, but it wasn?t as good as RVD?s. Jeff Hardy is next and he goes right after Matt. Jeff does the Testicle Legdrop on Matt. Matt almost goes out but Shannon Moore tries to keep him in. Jeff gets on the top rope to hit Matt and Shannon throws himself on top of Matt to save his hero, but Jeff does it anyway. Swanton on the both of them. I think Rosie of 3 Minute Warning is next. I don?t really know the difference between Rosie and Jamal. Bad wrestling fan I am. Almost 25 minutes in and finally Jerry Lawler mentions that it?s the first PPV where Smackdown and Raw superstars fight each other. Next is Mr. Icle. He goes by the first name of Test. Jericho almost goes out again. My boy John Cena is next. I don?t reminisce about PN News when I see Cena. Cena can actually rap. Charlie Haas is next. Cena?s rap took the entire waiting time. But dude is nice. Jeff Hardy goes out via RVD. Jericho is taking a beating. Rikishi is next in and he goes right after Cena. Rosie and Keesh go eye to eye. They then decide to work together. Until Rosie double-crosses him. I think they?re related somehow in real life. Jamal, who I think is Rikishi?s little brother comes out next and goes right after Keesh for a kick in the face. But Keesh gets his revenge by giving him the Stink Face. Kane is next. As long as Triple H doesn?t follow him humping the dead corpse that was Katie Vick. If you thought Al Wilson was bad, Katie Vick was ten times worse. I have a feeling a lot of people are going to be eliminated soon. Rosie or Jamal just went out. Shelton Benjamin comes in. Jericho almost goes out. It actually looked like he was eliminated, but the camera angle didn?t show. Booker T comes in. Eddy Zucko almost shoots through the roof. His pick is in. Spinaroonie time. And Eddy Guerrero goes out via the Book. Next is the A-Train. Ol? 8 and 7/8th?s as Jim Ross used to call him in reference to his hat size. HBK comes in to take out Jericho and he starts stinging punches on everyone?s face. And Test throws out Jericho. Damn that HBK, damn him. I?ll get that HBK if it?s the last thing I do. Sorest loser in the world that is HBK. Maven is next. He goes after Cena. Then he goes after Kane. Not the right guy to go after. Kane returns the thunder to good ol? Maven. Goldust is next. Jim Ross just says he was the 27th person. No Brock Lesnar, no Undertaker yet. And Goldust is eliminated. And Booker T is eliminated by Shelton Benjamin. That?s a surprise as I see a tear in Eddy Zucko?s eye. Batista is next. He?s huge, but he just lacks something. Test goes for the big boot, but misses and goes out. And Batista eliminates Rikishi. It?s Brock time. Lesnar is next. And he?s going to eliminate some people. Lesnar just eliminated Team Angle. See you later Matt Hardy. F5 ya later. And lastly, the return of the Undertaker. He didn?t stay away long enough for my taste. Goodbye John Cena. Take it easy JC. See ya later Jamal. Maven hits the drop kick on UT and thinks he eliminated him two years in a row, and Taker annihilates him. Good night Maven. RVD is the last of the 6 guys that is less than 6?5??. See ya later A- Train. RVD and Kane go to use teamwork and Kane eliminates RVD. What a friend that guy is. RVD even got Kane a Christmas present. It was Hungry Hungry Hippoes, but it was still a gift. We have Batista, Undetaker, Kane and Brock Lesnar left. Undertaker has sold one move. Lesnar F5?s Kane like he was Rey Rey. Taker vs. Brock. Didn?t we see this a few months ago? Batista says bye-bye. Taker clothesline him out of the ring. Kane and Undetaker shake hands and agree to take out Brock until Taker eliminates Kane. Kane finally outsmarts someone for the first time in his life (RVD), and then he?s ousted by his own brother. Man that Undertaker is mean. Brock then eliminates The Taker and he wins. We?re done. Taker comes back in the ring to give Lesnar what looks like to be the Mega Powers handshake. But Taker only talks crap and leaves. I would?ve marked out for the Mega Powers handshake tonight.
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