Here’s a little known fact about me. I was probably about 7 or 8 years old and on vacation with my family in Lake Tahoe. My dad and I walked into a K-Mart store and I was checking out the toy section. I saw three other kids, all either the same age as myself or slightly older. I really didn’t pay attention to the group of kids, but they walked closer to where I was. I was still looking at which toy dad was going to buy me. All of a sudden, the biggest of the guys started to talk trash and I didn’t really know what he was saying. It must’ve been some Lake Tahoe talk. Then I saw the other guys coming closer to me as well, surrounding me. I figured out what was happening. I think one guy pushed me, and then I pushed the biggest guy into the toys that I was just looking at and said something to the effect of, “Just leave me alone!”

Then dad came to try and save the day, albeit several seconds too late. And then I was all worked up and caught up in the moment as dad was yelling at me asking me what happened. Didn’t he see that I was fine? I just pushed the big dude into the toys. He did scare off the other guys so I guess I could give him that. But for some reason, he continued to scare me, and at the age of 7 or 8, after winning what I would later tell my friends was a ferocious fight, I cried. It was partly the events of the situation, but also because dad was so worked up and scared the crap out of me. He then lectured me on what I should do when someone puts their hands on me, which did me no good because I did what he probably wanted me to. It only made me more hysterical. And when I got back to the place where we were staying, of course dad told some of our family the story and I was made fun of for crying while being in a fight. Just great. It was so embarrassing.and it sticks in my head until this day.

This past week, we went back to Lake Tahoe. It was the wife, the boys, the parents, the sister and me. Dad was driving so I was able to buy the new Stone Cold Steve Austin book to read on the ride. This book is written in Stone Cold language. And when I was reading it, I was getting worked up and felt like I was an ass kicker just like good old Stone Cold. And then I got a bright idea. I would go back to the place of my embarrassment and look for those three guys who caused me such embarrassment. And I would open up a can of whoop ass on all three of them. That would erase my embarrassment and I could forget about that situation entirely.

After we finally got to Tahoe, I decided to take a trip back to that store. I didn’t tell anyone about it because I wanted to keep it to myself. I walked into that familiar store and saw three guys who could’ve been the same three guys who sassed me that one day. I walked up to where they were standing, ironically in the toy section and started on them.

I said, “Hey, what are you three jackasses looking at?”

And before they could answer, I said, “What!” while not letting them answer.

I saw that I got a little rise out of them so I continued.

I said to the biggest one, “Look at me when I’m talking to you son. Look at me!”

And when he finally made eye contact with me, I could see the fierceness in his eyes.

I continued with him. “Look atcha with your K-Mart shirt, your little coke bottle glasses. You look like a meely mouth sonuvabitch!”

And he decided to open his mouth again. But before he did, I said, “What!” without letting him speak again.

He didn’t say a word and I got closer to him. I asked him, “Are you sassin’ me? Answer me! Are you sassin’ me?”

And you guessed it. Before he could get a word out, I screamed, “What!”

I saw that he was pissed. He came closer to me and I saw his two friends circle around me. They were pounding their fists into the palm of their other hand wondering what this outsider was doing, insulting their buddy. One guy came at me first and I dodged his punch. The other guy swung and missed too. And the fat boy came at me, but I kicked him in the gut, put my back to him, grabbed his head with my right hand, sat down and hit the Stone Cold Stunner on the poor guy. Wham! He was out. The two other guys came my way and I hit the first guy with the same gut kick and he bent over and then the second guy met the same fate. And then I turned my back to them, grabbed both their heads, sat down again and hit the double Stone Cold Stunner. Wham! As all three of them were out like lights, I got down on all fours, and started talking trash to them. Then I gave them the Stone Cold salute with my middle finger and left them lying there.

I turned to the lady next to me and told her to throw me some beer. She said they didn’t have beer at K-Mart so then I told her to throw me some soda. She threw me three Mr. Pibb’s and I shook them all up, clanked them together, and guzzled them all down at once. I didn’t get the beer belly like Stone Cold, but at least the visual looked cool. I told the lady thanks, then hit her with a Stunner and told her, “DTA honey, don’t trust anybody.”

I went back to the place where we were staying, told my dad about the story feeling really good about myself. I felt like the Ragin’ Redneck himself. But then my happy demeanor started to change. My dad said he didn’t remember going into a K-Mart. He said he thought it was the old Gemco store. I couldn’t believe it. It was the wrong store. I gathered myself and walked into the bedroom. I looked into the mirror and staired right into my eyes. Then I broke a smile and said, “BMF”, which stood for bad mother******.

If you want to read the review of the book that inspired my rage, here it is. It’s called The Stone Cold Truth and my review is entitled Stone Cold Steve Austin’s Stone Cold Truth.

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