I haven’t done a write-up of a wrestling show in a long time, but because Mr. Low Jones himself, Blake decided that he couldn’t make it tonight to watch the show because he was packing for a business trip, I decided to blog it so he could keep up with the show. And who knows, the way WWE PPV’s have been lately, this write-up might be better than the show.

So with us tonight, are only Eddy and Randy, two rather handsome fellows, but not quite in Blake’s class of handsomeness, at least according to Blake. But tonight, you can vote to see who’s more handsome. Check out the photos below, and at the end of the post, I’ll send you the email address to where you can vote.

Huggable Blake

Handsome Eddy

Young Randall

Oh yeah, back to the PPV. This is a post about wrestling.

The show opens with a package highlighting what else, but HHH vs. Chris Benoit. The show has simply been marketed as their first match-up on television in something like 4 years. The WWE has done a piss poor job of actually making anyone want to buy this show, or even letting us know this show is on. Three of my friends (those handsome fellows above) didn’t even know A) that the show was on, or B) who was wrestling other than HHH and Chris Benoit. It was so bad that they only announced 5 matches, and had to add one match yesterday and one match tonight.

The first match is one that I had no clue was even on the card. The Coach and Garrison Cade are wrestling Tajiri and Rhyno. This is how tweaked the booking of this card has been. Rhyno had been teaming with Val Venis of late, and thus, he’s the “surprise” partner. Tajiri has been on TV for one week after taking some time off to be with his wife. And the last we saw him, he choked on his mist after taking punishment from Batista. One would think, he’d go for revenge after Batista. But then, they threw together a weak angle from Raw where Tajiri misted Coach again. So that’s how we got where we are now. The Coach shouldn’t be wrestling on a PPV that I’m paying $34.95 for (with help of those three dynamic dudes above). What interests me about Cade is that he’s the tall, blonde kid who resembles a more muscular Barry Windham/Dustin Rhodes type, and also a taller version of “Stunning” Steve Austin. Coach is lousy in the ring and it shows tonight. Even taking bumps, he’s been bad thus far. The match tried to be creative and I’ll give the Coach credit for good facials, but it very much felt like a bad Raw match. Tajiri ended up giving Cade the green mist, which the referee must’ve saw since Cade’s blond hair turned green, and then he kicked Coach in the head to win the match.

Evolution talk in the back about their strategy with dear boy Eugene. HHH and Ric Flair are very smart men. Batista and Orton have great bodies. Awesome bodies. HHH and Flair aren’t nearly as cut, so they wear t-shirts. Benoit, in another room told Eugene that HHH was using him to get to the belt.

Next up is Chris Jericho vs. Batista. For some reason, and I’m very heterosexual (you can ask my wife), but I look forward to watching Batista enter the ring and do his body buiding poses. He really has a freakish body. They are really trying to get Batista over as THE monster in the WWE, and it makes sense and gives him credibility to beat Jericho, who would be a good stepping stone. I can see Batista being built up enough to be one of the top guys in 2005. Jim Cornette thought Batista would be a no brainer as a top guy when he was champ in OVW years ago. The good thing about this match, is even if Jericho slips by Batista, he’ll carry him to a respectable match. Not a good thing to have a full nelson rest spot so early in the match. The match is suffering as with Batista as the monster, it doesn’t seem that they want Jericho dominating much of the match and that leaves us with Batista’s array of moves, which consists of rest hold after rest hold. Batista does a pretty nice spine buster. But Jericho’s running enziguri is nicer. This match is way too long for Batista, but he wins with his Batista Bomb, even though Jericho’s foot was draped on the bottom rope. Jericho put him over nicely, but again, the match was too long and he was exposed in my opinion.

They wasted another 5 minutes showcasing HHH’s acting skills basically telling Eugene that he’s his friend. And as a surprise, they gave Eugene one of Flair’s robes.

The next match is The Nature Boy Ric Flair and Eugene vs. La Resistance for the tag straps. Flair isn’t everyone’s friend this month as his autobiography basically said Bret Hart was boring, Randy Savage was overrated and Mick Foley was a glorified stuntman. I haven’t read it yet, but I will soon. The match is basically Eugene doing all of Flair’s moves, even cracking up Flair in the process breaking character. It’s actually pretty entertaining. You have Eugene doing all of Flair’s old moves, even the way Flair takes bumps, and everytime he does it, Flair gets mad. Then the Nature Boy tags in and does all of his own taunts and woo’s. The match was pretty good, but I kept waiting for Eugene to tag in to see more of his imitation. But, in what seems to be his gimmick, which sort of mimicks him as a retarted Luke Skywalker whose anger issues cause him to tow the line between the good side and the dark side. Eugene gets disqualified because he can’t keep his temper and throws around the referee. I’m still slightly interested in the Eugene angle, but it’s pretty much already jumped the shark.

Young Matthew Hardy faces Kane in a no DQ match. The Lita/V1/Kane love triangle is an insult to anyone who likes thought provoking angles. So Lita sleeps with Kane because Kane continues to threaten Matt’s life and he says that he will stop once she sleeps with him. So rather than calling the police, she humps him. And amazingly so, he lied. She gave him a nice small piece of her poontang pie, and Kane wanted seconds. That’s actually the only part of this angle that makes sense. So Matt finds out about the Kane ordeal after proposing to Lita, and now is so mad at Kane that he wants to kill him. Lita hasn’t had a paternity test just yet. She’d rather wait the full term and be surprised. Who’s baby is it? Kane’s or Matt Hardy’s? The only saving grace in this angle is if it turns out that Lita and Matt both know it’s not Kane’s and use it against Kane. Kane isn’t going to beat up a pregnant baby mama. Or maybe, she can just give birth to a hand. It’s not like it hasn’t happened before. The match is just an excuse for Matt Hardy to take a beating. Matt finally gets some offense in, but it’s not realistic because he should be ruthless in his offense, not looking for the crowd approval. Hardy hits the worst Twist of Fate in history, but Kane kicks out. Kane then hits the worst choke slam ever. Kane is ready to destroy Matt, but Lita gets in the middle, Kane puts her in the corner and gets hit with a chair and Matt wins. Pretty lackluster win. It’s like it was pure luck and if it wasn’t for Lita, Matt wouldn’t have won. Not sure what’s better. Having a losing streak, or winning only because your pregnant girlfriend who either is having your baby or the baby of your worst enemy interferes.

In a match that Edge needs to be near classic, he takes on Randy Orton for the IC title. In this instance, Orton has had the belt forever, proven himself (thanks Mick), and doesn’t really need the cheap win as much as Edge needs some momentum. The match is not doing what it needs to do for Edge, but Orton seems big time over with the fans. It must’ve been the Foley deal. Foley put him over so well that Orton just looks like a star right now. Edge on the other hand, has stalled. He needs a fresh makeover on Smackdown. Much like the Batista vs. Jericho match, this is hurt by the reliance on rest holds rather than more of the fast paced match the fans wanted. I’m guessing they were asked to extend the match since this is supposed to be a 3-hour show. The match picked up respectably towards the end but they got way too cute for the finish. Edge missed the spear, Orton missed the RKO, Edge had a pin attempt, Orton had a pin attempt and held the tights, and then finally, Edge hit the spear for the win. Shave a good five minutes off that match, and it would’ve been better. Good effort by both guys though.

In the match that was put in the semi main event slot only because the fans won’t want to see two really long matches in a row, Molly Holly takes on Victoria in a number one contender’s match for Trish’s strap. They played up Victoria as the face who came back from uncertainty to win the match with her own Sweet Chin Music.

Let’s just say that if this is the classic that it is supposed to be, it will save a rather stale PPV. Not that there wasn’t good stuff on the show because there was, but it just wasn’t must see TV. I’ve seen editions of Raw that I’d rather have spent money on that were better than this. The match has a great pace to it which is good since the Orton vs. Edge was slower paced and was hurt because of it. Benoit is taking some amazing bumps in this match. He’s run full speed into the turnbuckles ala Bret Hart three times already and has taken a dump over the top with velocity. However, with HHH on the offense, we’ve seen several submissions, and not of the finishing kind. The transition holds are hurting this PPV. Benoit comes close to killing himself diving through the top and middle rope to shoulder tackle HHH, and nearly speared himself on the barracade. The ref goes down and HHH calls for Eugene dear boy. Benoit gets the crossface on HHH and Eugene has to decide whether to get the ref for Benoit or help HHH. Eugene comes to the apron and Benoit knocks him down. HHH then hits the low blow and the pedigree while Benoit wonders if it was the right thing to do . Benoit kicks out at 2 and 1/2. Eugene should’ve been incensed that Benoit knocked him out, but doesn’t go crazy. Eugene takes orders from HHH and gets HHH a chair but doesn’t let him hit Benoit with it. HHH then knocks Eugene down, but Benoit gets the chair from HHH. Evolution attacks and Benoit lays them out before HHH knocks Benoit down to recapture the chair. Benoit hits a low blow himself and this all has been happening while the referee is down and Eugene in the ring. Eugene picks up the chair and teases hitting HHH and Benoit twice each, but can’t decide what to do. He has a tug of war with Benoit for the chair, but Benoit lets go and Eugene hits HHH on accident. Benoit rolls up HHH and the ref comes to life, counting the longest roll up three count that I can remember.

While I’m glad Benoit kept the strap, it really sets up the inevitable of HHH getting back at SummerSlam. I wouldn’t have minded if HHH won it here, and then Benoit won it again with a 2/3 fall stipulation of some kind at SummerSlam. The match was solid, but had the convoluted ending, which hurt it. And no one right now feels for Eugene, and that’s the opposite reaction needed for his character in my opinion. He’s just the big idiot which is what I was afraid he was going turn into.

Now, the vote. I haven’t forgotten. You can now vote on who is most handsome between Huggable Blake, Handsome Eddy, and Young Randall by sending me anemail. Make that vote count.

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