To Dennis Erickson, Terry Donahue, the ghost of George Seifert, one of Eddie D’s old pocket books, or whoever else it may concern:

Let me preface this by saying I’m already sold. I’m a 49er fan for life. Even if they go 1-15 for the next 10 years. I’m here. No need to lie to me, or make excuses.

Now that I got that out of the way. I’m pretty much owed this horrible season as a 49er fan right? Hell, I was born in 1976, woke up to football in 1983, watched Joe Montana, Steve Young, Jerry Rice, Ronnie Lott, Roger Craig and all of the other near hall of famers day in and day out. I have watched 4 Super Bowl victories of my favorite team live in my living room. How many people can say that? I have told numerous Raider fans, “scoreboard” when they try to talk down my Niners. All they can come up with is “Forty Whiners”, which I’ve never got because how can you whine when all you do is win Super Bowls? I even bought a Deion Sanders 49er jersey for the one season “Prime Time” was wearing the red and gold. Kool-Aid? Hell, I sold it on a stand for 49 cents a cup. I should be relegated to more 1-10 starts as a 49er fan now right? It’s like the kid who gets 20 presents every Christmas. Yep, that’s me. And now, that Christmas tree only has pine needles under it. But I’m not upset at the prospect of losing. I just hate being told something that I can see with my own eyes as untrue.

When I hear that Tim Rattay is the best fit for the 49ers short term needs, I gag. But I haven’t always felt this way. Last year when Jeff Garcia was hurt, I figured it wasn’t a bad idea to give Rattay a shot. TO sure wanted him to play. Hell, if TO wanted it, it couldn’t be that bad right? And he played well. The thing I noticed about him is that he seemed to not really wilt under pressure. Sometimes when Garcia would get excited, he’d jump and throw a ball into the ground, or he’d run around like a chicken with it’s head cut off and end up missing someone who was wide open. But not Rattay. He seemed to be even headed, almost cool-like. He usually made the smartest read, maybe not the highest risk/reward type of read, but usually good enough to keep the offense on the field. And even early on this year, he still seemed like that player. And now I don’t know if it’s the new coffee he’s been drinking, or maybe his underwear is too tight, but he is now a complete 180% from what I saw last year. He’s ancy in pocket. He doesn’t sit still. He doesn’t step up in the pocket enough. And worst of all, he does the one thing that you don’t want your quarterback to do. He panics. Now I’m not a doctor, and I don’t play one on television. Hell, I never even played doctor as a child with the fake stethoscope. But I would like to put a blood pressure monitor on him when the blitz comes. I’d guess his heart rate and blood pressure shoot so high that it’s not healthy. And maybe that’s the reason we should give the NFL so he can go on the injury list. Unhealthy heart beat.

I can live with incompletions. I can live with bad dump-offs to running backs who have no where to go. I can almost live with that bad pass into the defense when they figure out you’re running a screen, but you haven’t figured out that they’ve figured it out. Yes, I can almost live with that one. But I can’t live with the late 4th quarter game losing interceptions. I can’t live with the fumbles at the end of the game that the teams scoop up and turn into touchdowns. Those are will killing. I would love for Bill James to come up with a stat that shows how often a QB loses points. Almost like the plus/minus hockey stat. How many TD’s is Tim Rattay responsible for the defense scoring?

Now, I haven’t played football since I was 12, but I play baseball. And I guess Rattay’s horrendous 4th quarter play is analogous to when my closer comes in and immediatly can’t find the plate, walks the bases loaded and only finds the plate long enough to serve up a game losing grandslam. That’s will killing. And you know how people say that Joe Montana, John Elway, and Brett Favre are 4th quarter comeback quarterbacks? What does that make Rattay? The 4th quarter give back quarterback? That brings me to Ken Dorsey. Can he be worse than will killing Rattay? In the games he’s played this year, he’s been bad. But he hasn’t been will killing. All you hear is that Dorsey is the future. Isn’t the future now? I mean, there’s zero pressure right now. It can’t get any worse. Give Dorsey the reps in practice and see what he can do. Don’t even bench Rattay. Just say he has an unhealthy heart beat or something and put him on IR. I mean, you can’t just kill Rattay’s will right? Like Keyshawn once said, “Just give Dorsey the damn ball!” Ok, maybe he wasn’t talking about Dorsey, but you get the picture.

Now onto the defense. It’s commendable. It never quits. Your defense is playing with 5th string corners. I’ve never even heard of the guy who made the interception yesterday. I saw M. Adams on his jersey and immediately thought of the old three-point shooting guard from the Denver Nuggets in the late 80’s. So how can I blame them? Julian Peterson, the best player probably on the team, out for the year. Ahmed Plummer hasn’t seen the field in two months. Andre Carter was out so early in the season, I thought we traded him in the offseason. The defense isn’t will killing. They are what’s keeping the fans in the games. You watch Bryant Young anchor that defensive line. He has zero help. John Engelberger seems to play 2 games a year because the other 14 games you never see him. And don’t get me started on Brandon Whiting because that will get me started on how you could trade one of the MVP candidates in all of football and only get a third round pick and a guy who lives on the injured list named Brandon Whiting. And bringing up Brandon Whiting also reminds me of Terrell’s good buddy Jeff, who reminds me that my team is paying him $10 million dollars to play in Cleveland. And bringing up Brandon Whiting, who reminds me of TO, who reminds me of Jeff, also reminds me that if we’re paying Jeff to play in Cleveland, couldn’t we have paid him to play in San Francisco? Or is that a part of what Mr. Donahue calls taking our medicine? That same medicine that we took 3 years ago and were told that we wouldn’t have to take again. Must be flu season.

Basically, the defense plays hard, but let’s stop saying how good we are. Or the great quote, “Just wait until we’re healthy.” I hate that. Isn’t one of the great things about having supposed depth is that when injuries happen, you just plug in a new guy? Can you ever be completely healthy in football? Ever?

I’m ready for the first pick in the NFL draft. I can taste it. I’m ready to see Aaron Rodgers, Matt Leinert, that one DB Rolle (not Esther Rolle), or anyone else who Mel Kuiper Jr. can sell me as a can’t miss prospect. But I never thought it’d come to this. I mean, only Indianapolis and San Diego should be getting the first pick of the draft every year. I never thought the glorious franchise that is the 49ers would have fallen so far. Does the franchise even equate what it used to mean anymore? Do players look forward to coming here? Or do we have to stoop to the whole Bay Area climate deal to sell people like the Warriors do? And aren’t they aghast when they see house prices? Ouch. Maybe we’ll have to sell them more. Automatic dates with cheerleaders or getting them shows on Sirius satellite radio or something. Strip clubs. We have borderline against the law strip clubs in San Francisco. Maybe we can give them free funny money. Athletes and T&A. Great fit if you ask me. Maybe Jerry Rice would come back and strictly play for funny money. Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that just don’t lie to us. If we’re gonna suck, tell us we’re gonna suck. Don’t tell us that we’re better than anyone gives us credit for. Or that we’re not a 1-10 team. Or that we have good quarterbacks and this is a quarterback franchise. Or that we have receivers that are much better than our number one pick this year and that’s why he’s not playing. Or that Kevan Barlow is a top ten running back in this league. Because then we see NFL Europe castoff Maurice Hicks splitting playing time with him and starting doing the whole, “well if Barlow is top ten, then Hicks must be top ten.” No, actually if we did that, we’d be idiots, but you get my drift. Don’t tell us that this defense has young future stars. Young future stars actually sack the quarterback and intercept passes. They don’t “almost” get there. They get there. And wait, haven’t some of these guys like Carter, Winborn, Ulbrich and Plummer been here for a while already? If they were ever going to be stars, wouldn’t they already be? Aren’t we wasting Tony Parrish’s prime years as well?

Ok, you get my drift. To sum up my vent, and if you need to ever come back to this to take notes, just read these points rather than my emotional rant again.

• Play Dorsey over Rattay
  
• Don’t pretend to tell us how good our defense is even if we’re injured (it’s only as good as it’s playing right now)
  
• Don’t ever remind us about TO and Jeff Garcia because it brings bad thoughts that only show how much you screwed up both deals
  
• Please use this first pick wisely. Please. I’m on my knees. Begging even.
  
• Don’t lie. It’s the reverse Nike slogan. Just don’t do it.
  

Respectfully yours,

49er Fan
BWalsh (and the B does not stand for Bill)

Ok, this guy has been on me for over a year now to ditch my Sony MD and get an iPod. I haven’t obliged his wishes just yet, but for my dad’s 50th birthday, my wife and I as well as her family pitched in to buy him one. Here’s my review of it that was originally posted at Epinions.com first.

As someone who obviously doesn’t adapt well to new technology, I dismissed the iPod as something that wasn’t necessary. I have CD’s. I have MP3’s. I have a CD player. I have a computer. I have one MP3 player. I have one minidisc player. And until just recently, I hadn’t even touched an iPod. Maybe I was scared. Maybe I didn’t want to be one of the trendy folks who had an iPod. My minidisc was fine, other than the fact that it’s notoriously slow to put MP3’s on the discs and doesn’t really work all that well as an MP3 player in general. But I was stubborn. Not anymore. While I won’t admit to buying an iPod for myself, I will admit to buying one for my father (and probably getting one for myself very soon). Here’s a man who doesn’t know how to log on to a computer. He knows how to browse the web, but that’s after you’ve opened the browser for him. He’s old school. But here’s the thing. He’s a man without real computer knowledge and it took him maybe 20 minutes to figure out what he had to do to put music on his iPod and listen to it. That’s a good product.

Now there are a few things that help separate the iPod from the other MP3 players. First off, iTunes is an absolute joy to use. For music management, it’s my favorite software. And putting music on the iPod through a firewire cable is the fastest I’ve seen in MP3 file transfer. But more on iTunes. To me, what separates iTunes from other music management softwares, is that it was actually made specifically to work with the iPod. Other management softwares might be more appealing to your current taste, but iTunes was designed to work with, and only with, the iPod. The key to iTunes in my opinion is in the playlists. You can download your entire CD collection into your iPod if you like, but who wants to listen to everything? What’s good about CD’s and minidiscs is that you can hear a mix of whatever you are feeling at the moment. That’s where playlists step in. You can put certain songs on a playlist, and simply listen to only those songs. What’s even more appealing is that iTunes can do this for you through smart playlists. You can actually program iTunes to create a playlist for you. It’s a very creative and intuitive software program. The second thing that separates the iPod from the pack is that it’s simply easy to use. Some MP3 players are so bulky with sticky buttons and are just a pain to use. And then it’s a chore to learn how to put music on it. You spend the first couple hours figuring out how to use it when all you want to do is put music on it. You’re excited, and not really patient. But Apple understands this. If you already have iTunes and plug your iPod into your computer through the firewire (you can also do this through USB), it immediately recognizes it. Automatically. It doesn’t ask you to download servers or put in a special CD. It just works. It automatically finds your music too. If you are the type of person who just uploads everything, plug it in and leave it alone for a few minutes and all your music will be there. If not, you can manually add songs, or only add specific playlists. And it doesn’t take much longer.

The new fourth generation iPod has a couple new features and one of them is really one of the only things that has been negative about the product in its existence. The battery life. You’ve heard stories of draining battery life, but in its new iteration, the iPod has a longer battery life that is supposed to last 12 hours in the perfect situation. Also, the click wheel that was on the iPod Mini is now on the new non-mini players. It makes scrolling through music very easy and intuitive. With a few touches, you’ll master it and be able to sort through your music as fast, or as scrupulous as you want. The new wheel takes better advantage of the space on the unit, but nothing is really done with the extra space. Where the play and fast forward buttons used to be right above the actual scroll wheel, they are now on the wheel, thus eliminating the need for using most of the face of the player. Pretty nifty idea, and not sure why it took them so long to do it.

While this review has been almost 100% positive, I do have to admit one thing. My dad might have received a lemon from Apple, or just had a bad LCD screen. The iPod dropped from about 5 feet onto the carpet and when I picked it up, I noticed there was something definitely wrong with it. The LCD screen seemed like it had broken from the inside and I immediately called Apple for a replacement. They sent a box over and told me to simply put the iPod in the box and put it right back in the mail. They also said it would take roughly 5-7 days to get it back and that it wouldn’t be the same iPod that we sent in. They didn’t promise that the unit would have the same parts as I’m guessing they have an already fixed or refurbished LCD screen that they would simply pop in and send it back. I immediately questioned how fragile this unit is, but have been told by friends that their iPod should’ve had a hard hat on for as many times as they’ve dropped it and it didn’t break. I’m hoping that is the case and it was just an anomaly.

In any case, I can see why iPod’s are so popular. It’s in the ease. If dad can do it, anyone can.

And now that the iPod was so damn nice, I was thinking of getting the new iMac G5. Should I throw in an iPod for myself? We shall see.

iPod product rating – 4.5 stars (would’ve been 5 if it didn’t have to be returned)

In a previous post, I put up two quotes and asked people to identify who said what.

Those quotes were:

1) “I had five outfits under the bed crispy waiting for New York City… and this is what I get,”

And

2) “I almost wanted to get on a plane, find where she is at, and sit her down and spank her with a ruler really, really hard, because it makes no sense.”

Let’s go to the guesses.

The first guess comes from young Valerie. She said, “First quote is by Mary J. Blige. The second one is Michael Jackson…but not sure since he doesn’t interact with females.

The first guess is pretty good actually. Mary J. Blige is affiliated with the person who actually said it. I think the key is the word “crispy”. Who says “crispy” rather than “ironed”? As for her second guess, she was trying to dog on MJ. That’s criminal.

HJ had the second guess. She said, “The ruler comment was said by Snoop Dogg. The crispy clothes comment was said by Pedro Martinez.” Two pretty good guesses here and who can’t see Snoop spanking someone with a ruler? And Pedro was in New York and helped beat those damn Yankees into submission, so I can see why she thought Pedro. But wouldn’t Pedro have said, “creeeespy”, rather than “crispy”?

Chicks Dig Big D thought that the two answers were, Pedro Martinez and Brother Ray Charles. Again, Pedro is a good answer, and if you’ve seen the new movie Ray, you would’ve thought Brother Ray had a chance to spank a few cuties with a ruler. But no, not him either.

The Demon of Speed also thought the first one was Pedro Martinez. And he thought the second one was either P.Diddy or Jay-Z. Well, the Speed got one of them mixed up. One of his guesses for the second answer was actually the one with the “crispy” comment. And we proceed.

The wife (who I just celebrated being married 4 years to with yesterday) thought the first was Michael Jackson and the second, Michael Jordan. Well, I’m not sure MJ is hip enough at this stage in his life to use the word crispy, other than when talking about his bacon. And while the second MJ I’m sure has spanked a groupie or twelve with rulers, it’s not him. And Happy Anniversary babe.

And lastly, my best friend El Horrible got one right. But only because I told him who it was! Bastard! He didn’t have a guess for the first one, but then guessed right by saying Young Keyshawn was the second person. Yes, Keyshawn Johnson. Let me explain.

I will give you the context of the second quote. Supposedly, Pam Oliver, Fox Sports sideline reporter, over heard and over saw Keyshawn Johnson arguing with assistant coach, Sean Payton. Oliver reported it on television and KJ, hit us with this rebuttle. “I almost wanted to get on a plane, find where she is at, and sit her down and spank her with a ruler really, really hard, because it makes no sense.” Oh Keyshawn.

As for the first quote, it comes a new feud between Jay-Z and R. Kelly. Jay-Z and R. Kelly recently put out a new album called Unfinished Business. In touring to support the album, they had a couple dates at Madison Square Garden. Supposedly, Kelly received a death threat before the show and went on stage worried for his life. (I think the man’s on drugs, but that’s neither here nor there.) He supposedly saw two men in jackets point to something that Kells thought might be a gun, and left the stage. Jay-Z was frustrated at the thought of not finishing the concert dates and missing out on a second Madison Square Garden concert because of Kelly’s unprofessionalism. Jay-Z then said, “I had five outfits under the bed crispy waiting for New York City… and this is what I get.”

There you have it. Until next time …

Earlier this year, I decided to talk to Randy Bartholomew who is my starting left fielder for my semi-pro baseball team, the San Jose NABA Giants. He has been playing with me for several years, and I thought it’d be cool to put it on the San Jose Giants NABA website. However, I have a crappy microphone for my Sony MD player, and the sound came out way low. And if you’ve ever talked to Randy before, the guy doesn’t necessarily speak with a lot of fire. He’s mild mannered and that’s an understatement. But in this interview, he was a little, well different. But the microphone on the MD still didn’t pick it up very well. After listening to the interview a few times, I was able to decipher most of it. Here is the full interview for the first time.


Garrett Gonzales: I’m talking to Randy Bartholomew, starting left fielder of the San Jose NABA Giants.
Randy Bartholomew: Please call me Young Randall.
GG: Young Randall?
YR: You better believe it.
GG: Ok, Young Randall. The reason we’re here today is talk about you. Since we’ve known each other, we’ve been playing baseball together. What do you love about the game?
YR: I love the admiration of all my fans. The groupies. How when I hit the ball, it’s like time stops.
GG: The groupies? I’ve never seen you with another woman other than your girlfriend.
YR: Well, I must do a good job of keeping the groupies on the DL then.
GG: I guess so. Ok, moving right along. Not only are you a player, but you’re also a coach. What do you enjoy about coaching?
YR: The groupies. I love it when kids ask me how to do things like I’m a freaking genius. I pity those kids.
GG: The groupies? High school JV coaches get groupies too?
YR: Again, it’s on the DL.
GG: Right. But you don’t get fulfillment for changing lives?
YR: Ya, I’m sure that’s nice.
GG: I hate to say this, but I’m a little disappointed man. I mean, you’re a teacher and a coach and all you can talk about is groupies and your ego.
YR: You’re just jealous. You’re jealous of my prestegious home runs. My game saving catches. How all the pitchers, point to me as their favorite teammate because of how well I play defense behind them. And of course, you’re jealous of all my women.
GG: Dude. Randy.
YR: Ahem, Young Randall.
GG: Right, Young Randall. What the hell are you talking about man? Are you high?
YR: Only high from the stench of the good life my friend. When you look like me. When you walk like me. When you talk like me, life is just splendid.
GG: Splendid?
YR: Splendid. Just damn splendid. All the dudes want to do me, and the chicks want to be me. Wait, I mean all the chicks want to do me, and the dudes want to be me.
GG: You know. I do see a sparkle in your eye. Like you’re a changed man. What has changed you since the last time I saw you, which was like last weekend?
YR: Change? I don’t need no stinkin’ change. I was born this way. Way too cool, and way too handsome. You can’t duplicate my handsomeness.
GG: Next question. Let’s talk about some of your likes and dislikes. What kind of music do you listen to?
YR: I listen to one man and one man only.
GG: Who is that?
YR: Rick James bitch!
GG: Oh I guess I fell for that one.
YR: What do you mean?
GG: You know, I fell for the Dave Chapelle joke.
YR: Dave Cha-who?
GG: Never mind. So you love Rick James.
YR: Do you know why?
GG: No, but go ahead and tell us.
YR: Because like me, he’s a super freak.
GG: I think I know where this is going. Let’s talk about the rest of this season. How do you think we’ll do the rest of this year baseball wise?
YR: I think that until I get to bat third, we’re going to lose. It’s that simple. I’m the total package, the creme de la creme, and you just don’t see that do you?
GG: I’m not the coach man.
YR: Sure you are. You have input. You’re just trying to keep the black man down!
GG: But you’re not black.
YR: You don’t know this. I’m black below the waist baby!
GG: I think I’m going to throw up. But before I do, let’s finish this interview.
YR: I’ll answer your question. I think we’re going to struggle and back door our way into the playoffs. I think I’ll hit a grandslam to help us win a playoff game against those black eyed Pirates and then we’ll push them to a game 3, and then probably lose because you won’t bat me third. The key to the rest of this season is to bat me third. I’m the Barry Bonds of this team, and you think I’m not. I’m telling you. I’m the man. I’m the straw that stirs the drink. I’m the Count of Montefusco. I’m the king of the mountain. I’m the Nature Boy. Whoooooo!
GG: Ok, I’m going to wrap this up as I have a small case of acid reflux. I’ll be ok though. Young Randall, put your shirt back on. Dude, please. No flexing. Ok, um, how do I turn this MD off. Dude! Put your pants back on …

“I had five outfits under the bed crispy waiting for New York City… and this is what I get,”

“I almost wanted to get on a plane, find where she is at, and sit her down and spank her with a ruler really, really hard, because it makes no sense.”

If you know either of these, you’re on top of your pop culture.

Two quotes from two different people. One is in sports. One is in music. Go ahead and leave a comment with your guesses and I’ll give you the answers tomorrow, along with the context of the stories behind the quotes.