This was originally published on Epinions.com.

These were the 49ers I grew up with. Joe Montana, Jerry Rice, Steve Young, Ronnie Lott, Dwight Clark, Eric Wright, Fred Dean, Roger Craig, Ray Wershing, Dwaine Board, Randy Cross, Wendell Tyler, Tom Rathman, and countless others. I guess you could say that I’m a spoiled football fan. Let’s just say that I was nearing 5 years old when Dwight Clark made “The Catch”. I was only 7 years of age when Dan Marino nervously ran out of the tunnel and couldn’t beat Joe Cool. And I was not yet a teenager when Montana hit John Taylor in what Sam Wyche called “deja vu” to win Super Bowl XXIII. What about John Elway having a horrendous game compared to what Montana and Rice were doing in the Superdome in the super blowout? And lastly, I can remember like it was yesterday when Steve Young threw six touchdown passes in a rout against San Diego.

This two disc collection is a decent, albeit lazy collection of NFL films goodies. The basis of the collection is that for every year that the 49ers won the Super Bowl (1981, 1984, 1989, 1990, and 1994) there is a “Road To The NFL” documentary type piece and a 1/2 hour Super Bowl recap video. “The Road To The NFL” is a wacky look back at the season with Steve Sabol hosting the shows. I was never a fan of these shows, which are shown every year before the actual Super Bowl, because at times the footage is just boring. It’s not about showing the greatest plays, or the best players. Sabol tries to tell a story of the season in an hour and it feels like a lot is missed. Sabol does get points for the great production though. In nearly every “Road To The Super Bowl” Sabol says how many miles of tape was used to shoot all the footage and it is just amazing how much footage is shot compared to what is actually used. The shots are excellent and you can tell it’s Sabol’s baby. It’s just not always exciting.

Joe Cool Being Cool

As for the Super Bowl recap videos, you’ve seen them all before. But it doesn’t mean they aren’t superb. They are the great NFL films produced videos that come out at the end of every year. In fact, just based on watching ESPN a lot as a youngster, I might’ve seen the Super Bowl XVI video about 10 times. I’ve seen the famous goal line stand where the 49ers stopped Kenny Anderson and company so many times, but the video is so great that I still get chills. In the earlier videos like for Super Bowl XVI and XIX, the footage is more raw, less produced and seems to be more in your face than the later, more slick videos. Also, they actually diagram the bigger plays in the game, which was probably technologically advanced in 1981, where as they don’t do it much in the later on videos.

The video package for Super Bowl XIX played up the Joe Montana vs. Dan Marino angle for all it was worth. Both men were at the top of their game, but it was Joe Cool who came out on top. I can remember my dad screaming at the television during the introductions that Dan Marino was glassy eyed and nervous and that he knew then, the 49ers were going to win. And win they did.

Though it took them five years to get back to the Super Bowl, the 1989 49ers were possibly the most underacheiving of all their Super Bowl teams. The crazy talk of Steve Young vs. Joe was just starting and there were some people calling for Steve to become the man. But Montana helped bring the 49ers back to greatness by reeling off 4 wins in a row to close out the year and then won 3 more games in a row, beating the Cincinnatti Bengals (again) to narrowly win the Super Bowl. This might’ve been the greatest video of them all because of the insane drama in that game. It was the perfect set up for Joe Montana to win the game as the 49ers were down by 3 with three minutes left and Montana took them all the way down the field, hitting John Taylor to win the game. They even added the local radio call, which was Lon Simmons narrating the touchdown to John Taylor.

The last two videos weren’t all that great, mostly because the game were super blowouts, and there wasn’t much story to either game since the 49ers were above and beyond the best team in the league. In Super Bowl XXIV, they tried to make it Joe vs. John Elway, but Elway didn’t cooperate as he had a horrible game and the 49ers won 55-10. At the beginning of the game, my father bet me $20 and he gave me fifty points. He said the 49ers were going to blow the Broncos out and if John Elway didn’t score their only touchdown on a quarterback draw, I would’ve lost the bet.

Watch Out For The Wooo Hit

The real story for Super Bowl XXIX was actually in the game before where the 49ers finally beat the Dallas Cowboys to advance to the Super Bowl thwarting the Cowboys’ three-peat.  Eddie DeBartolo went all out to beat the Cowboys signing everyone under the sun, including “Prime Time” Deion Sanders and after they beat the Cowboys, the Super Bowl was actually quite secondary. The San Diego Chargers’ best player was linebacker Junior Seau and on offense, they didn’t really have any stars. To say San Diego was overmatched is an understatement. The focus of the video was Steve Young breaking a record by throwing 6 touchdown passes and Jerry Rice making minced meat out of San Diego’s secondary.

There are some NFL films produced profiles on several of the players including Roger Craig, Ronnie Lott, Jerry Rice, and Steve Young and a few other profiles on the teams. But if you’re looking for new video packages, new interviews, full actual games, and an overall package fit for the Team of the 80’s, then you found the wrong DVD. Instead, it’s a nice summary of the Super Bowls and good nostalgia with the old NFL films footage.

Get it if you want to watch it once, but don’t expect to be popping it year after year.

Before I start out, I think we should show Stacy shaking what her momma gave her again.

Originally when I started writing these show reviews, it was sort of like a joke. My intention was to write them as long as Stacy and Jerry were still there, and then out of the blue, whenver they were both gone, to just stop writing them. And to stop watching or following as well. I made this completely about them. And I was well and ready to do that. Then something happened. They both made the finals. Eight weeks later, I’m here writing about the finale of this show.

I really think that if Jerry were to take off his shirt, there would be this huge red S underneath. I really think these things.

Super Jerry

The start of the show brings all the contestants back for some reason. I’m not sure exactly what this says other than the crappy dancers are still crappy and the average are still average. Other than Lisa Rinna, no one was really stand out good. Yes, Tatum got a little bit of a raw deal but that was her fault. I remember writing that the only thing wrong with Giselle Fernandez was that she was completely forgettable. And when she and her partner came out, I was wondering who that mystery woman was.

Super Jerry, Sexy Stacy, and Nose are all going to perform once more tonight. They will be judged again tonight and that score will be combined with the score from Thursday and then averaged out with the popular vote. And for some reason that no one really knows, Mary J. Blige will be performing as well. She won’t be dancing. She’ll be singing. She could sing Dance For Me.

Jerry says that before his football games he was able to visualize what would happen in the game. He says that he can visualize what’s going to happen on the dance floor and that the only thing he sees is Nose falling on his nose, thus breaking it, bleeding again and having to call time out to get a tissue. No, he didn’t say that. He actually said they were going to have the performance of a lifetime.

They are dancing the Cha Cha Cha tonight and are up first. My good friend Carletta (who is also the person who helped me with this website and could literally turn it off in one second) says that she thinks Jerry is a horrible dancer. I disagree. He’s not horrible. He has rhythm. But he’s also super tall. How many dancers do you see at 6 feet and 3 inches? Jerry was on target tonight, but his partner was on fire. Jerry looked like he was having a blast and even though there was one or two steps that he was slighty off, I think it was possibly his second best performance, only to Thursday’s freestyle. Jerry at least needs to pull three 9’s. The judges seemed to like him. They pulled off exactly three 9’s.

Stacy says that she injured her foot, but that it won’t hinder her in the performance. They’re dancing the Samba tonight. Stacy is showing off much leg tonight. Her outfit looks like something she’d wear into the wrestling ring. The dancing was pretty flawless and they had as many turns and changes in this routine than they’d ever had and Stacy was spun on her back and then thrown between Tony’s legs. This would’ve made Turbo and Ozone proud. Great, great finish. After nothing but great things said by the judges, she scores a 30.

If you type in “Nose Lachey” into Google, this blog comes up first. If you type “Nose Lachey” into Google Images, this picture is the only picture that comes up. For some reason, Elle McPherson with a red nose comes up. Who’d have known?

Nose Lachey?

What is up with Nose always taking Cheryl out? His wife is pregnant and hormonal. She doesn’t need to see this. Especially with how hot Cheryl is. They will be dancing the Jive and it starts out with Nose strumming Cheryl’s stomach like a guitar. I saw one misstep by Nose, but it wasn’t that obvious. It’s a pretty entertaining routine, but I barely see Nose at all. Cheryl is awesome. They tried to one up the ending of Stacy’s dance, but they didn’t quite do it. Nose leap frogged a standing Cheryl and then slid on his knees to end it. Nice job. The judges seem to love him and it looks like we’ll get another set of 10’s. Wow, they only gave them three 9’s. Interesting. Nose says all the right things, not only saying that he doesn’t mind if Jerry or Stacy win, but also says that this is a great chance for Cheryl to break through in ball room. Concur.

Before we get to see who is the first to go home, we get to see Mary J. perform Family Affair while some salsa dancers go at it like their auditioning for Dirty Dancing III. The dude is funny looking, but the woman is hot. Mary J. wanted to get crunk and the dancers decided to get crunk. Mary said that it didn’t matter if you were white or black, and damn, that woman could’ve been green with red freckles and she would’ve still been hot.

They decided to boot out the third place couple in the competition, and that couple is Stacy and Tony. Super Jerry lives another day~! Here are some of the things Stacy will be able to do. She’ll be able to get some small parts in movies right away. She’ll be able to go back to WWE and probably pick her spots and not have to sign an extension if she doesn’t want to. And lastly, she’ll be able to eat again. Long live Stacy Keibler~!

Nose Lachey just said, “It’s all good in the hood”. I’m not sure what to say about that one.

For some reason, they decided to bring back the people who lost on this show. Kenny Mayne definitely took a few lessons since he was booted in week one. Tatum showed that she was probably booted out about 4 or 5 weeks too early. Who is next? Oh yah, that’s Giselle and she shows me again why I keep forgetting who she is. Master P has learned zero things since he was booted.

Now we get to see the next three who were booted and let’s just say that the few weeks off has turned Tia Carerre into a new woman. George Hamilton used his couple weeks to shone up his tap moves and do more tanning. Lisa Rinna looks very tanned as well. If only Harold Hamlin was out there with her.

Sexy Stacy

Looks like we’ll get another portion of Mary J. before we see who wins. I hope that salsa dancing queen comes back out. But no, it’s just Mary. She’s singing Be Without You. Probably my favorite lyric in this song is when she’s talking about her man missing her and she sings, “Call the radio if you just can’t be without your baby”, meaning that her man can always request one of her songs to be played on the radio. Now how does that relate to me? If I was missing my “baby”, do I call the radio and request a Stacy Keibler song? I mean she doesn’t even sing. Carrying on.

Just to let you know the gift that I’m giving to you here. This show is 2 hours long. They’ve shown about 14 packages. I’ve seen the same Jerry smiles, which isn’t bad. But that just means I have to see the same Nose smiles. I’m sitting through this for you.

Wait, The Bachelor is still on?

Finally, we get to the decision.

And the winner is:

Nose Lachey and Cheryl

Even though Jerry is a bald man right now, with nothing on his head, like the great man that he is, he says that his hat is off to Nose. Nose gives off a “woooooooo” that would make “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair blush. Where does Nose go from here? Maybe we’ll see Nick get the old band back together?

I had more fun with this show than I had any right to have. If not for Jerry and Stacy, I wouldn’t have, but at least they were in it to the end. Goodbye to Dancing With Jerry Rice.

Jerry Rice, the man with 9 lives. Jerry Rice, the man who is indestructable. Jerry Rice, the man who is invincible. Jerry Rice, the man who is bullet proof. What is it with Jerry? Is it everyone who reads these reviews who are finally learning about the greatness that is Jerry Rice? Do you now believe me when I say that Jerry Rice is indeed one of the greatest men living on the face of God’s green earth? What will it take to win it all for the man who was possibly born as Jerald Rice? Some may say it may in fact take the grace of the Good Lord above. It could possibly take the greatest luck of all. But when you are Jerry Rice and you have the style and grace of GQ himself to go along with enough athletic ability to be declared the Michael Jordan of football, you don’t lose. You just win waking up every morning looking in the mirror, pointing with both index fingers, poppin’ your collar like the Fonze, and just saying, “It’s great to be me.”

The Man

Now I’ve been taking heat for all of my Nose Lachey bashing, and actually I’m happy that his fans are sticking up for him. I love picking (on) Nose, don’t get me wrong, but it’s very hard coming up with new things to pick on him about. He’s definitely Nose Lachey and when you’re Nose Lachey that is enough for hours upon hours of belittling information, but sometimes, just making fun of the man’s nose, his height, and his days of an also ran pop star is boring. We’ll see if I can come up with anything more original tonight.

As for Stacy, she’s going to do some big things. Hopefully she’ll be able to distance herself from wrestling, or at least only have to make an occasional appearance to plug something. I think she’s the big winner no matter what happens because she’s gained the most thus far. People have been asking me what I would want to see happen if it comes down between Jerry and Stacy. Ok, no one has really asked me that question, but I have asked it to myself. I think I’d want to see Stacy win only because Jerry has been on the big stage and he’s already in that “will always be famous” mode. Stacy has far more to gain by winning. So I’d say Stacy. But if Jerry won, I wouldn’t shed one single solitary tear. In fact, I might do the cabbage patch with him.

Tonight, it’s two dances, where they get to pick their best dance out of the ones they’ve been performing as well as do something freestyle. If Jerry busts out the robot and then into some pop locking, he might just get every fan vote.

You know what’s great about Jerry. He uses the words “it was” as a synonym for “there were”. For instance, he said, “It was so many fans”, rather than saying “there were so many fans”. Only a great, great man can get away with saying that. Jerry and Anna for their first dance are doing the fox trot. I’m definitely very secure in my masculinity in saying that rather than the more old school fox trot, I wanted to see Jerry shake his ass. Do something like the rhumba. But instead, he went classy. You know that Jerry went from ashy to classy right? On the whole, it was good, but not as good as Stacy or Nose will do. But it may not even matter. The old judge said it was the best that Jerry has done. Jerry was beside himself. The mean woman judge agreed with him. The crazy judge, Bruno, called him indestructible. I think the key to this deal is that if Jerry can come close to Nose and Stacy, he could win this thing because of that popular vote. And believe me when I say that no matter what, Jerry will always be the underdog because Nose and Stacy are just technically better. As long as he’s the underdog, his fans will come out. Hell, I may vote tonight. Be fair to Jer! He scored 26 out of a possible 30. I have a feeling Nose and Stacy will pull some 29’s or 30’s here.

Stacy and Tony were in suits and derby hats doing the jive. Stacy is simply a queen. If she were living in another country, she would be queen. If she wants to come to Gilroy, I will declare her Queen of Gilroy and even put her in a throne. Honestly, you can say that Stacy might’ve been better than Tony, her partner tonight. Fabulous, even though it was nearly a carbon copy of the same dance she did several weeks ago. Everyone is saying that she did a great job. I smell a 30. And yes, it’s a 30. This makes me happy. I hope that Nose gets a 30, because then Jerry’s fans will come out in droves. I might vote 5 times.

The Woman

Nose and Cheryl. It’s like ebony and ivory. You have the nerdy old pop star who is only known for being the former brother in law of Jessica Simpson. And then you have the greatest dancer in the history of this show in Cheryl. They are doing the same dance that they did when they pulled off the 28 by dancing to Thriller. It was definitely good and let’s just say that by now, Nose’s wife is so pregnant that she should be in the balcony seats taking up an entire row. All of the judges love him and even cratchety old Len says Cheryl is the best female in the history of the show. My dear mother who I am watching the show with says she’s trying to imagine Nose’s wife not pregnant and says that no matter how skinny she can be, those teeth will still hang out. And you wonder where I get it from. They got a perfect score and Nose did the nerdiest happy pose of all time. He crouched down and threw both hands outwardly and shook them and screamed like a small girl.

Now it’s freestyle time. Jerry and Anna are in fact wearing afro wigs. Jerry looks like Tito Jackson with a beard. This is so great. They are totally fooling around and Jerry has just a ton of charisma. And his chemistry with Anna here is just as good as it was with Joe and Steve. You can here the crowd chanting his name. He is a dancing gawd! Jerry’s in character interview in the back just scored him another 5 million votes. He scored a 27 with the judges. He’s going to win this thing folks.

Stacy and Tony are dancing to Stayin’ Alive which gets bonus points from me. But no way in hell Tony looks as suave as John Travolta. And do you know that if there was a world percentage of hot women that Stacy would score in 99.99999th percentile? Whoops, Stacy couldn’t quite get around Tony’s shoulders. That might hurt her. All the judges, including the mean lady didn’t think Stacy did great. She tried to hide her unhappiness with their judging. Dammit. If Stacy doesn’t score well here, this may hurt Jerry. The voting swell might come from Stacy fans. She scored a 26 out of 30. Ok, maybe Jerry is ok.

I know that I have said a lot that Cheryl is great and that helps Nose and I really mean it here. If Cheryl usually dances for 5 men, here she danced for about 20. She is spectacular. I think I saw her whisper into Nose’s ear as if to say, “just stay with me”. Other than Nose’s gay cowboy get up, it was a good job. Don’t think I’m the only one who saw that. Bruno said that Nose is ready for “Brokeback Mountain” the musical. I’m not making this up. Of course, he pulled a 30. By the way, he stood next to Jerry and Jerry looked at least 10 inches taller. But Nose has the edge in nose size.

The Nose

We have to wait until Sunday to find out and as long as I have a television picture, I’ll be writing about Jerry Rice and his victory dance.

It started out as an innocent night. Cousins getting together for a pajama jammy jam. The air was a little different, but nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary. As the cousins filed in together for Tomiko’s 24th birthday, there was one cousin who had a gleam in his eye. Matt Nakamoto didn’t seem to have an agenda as the night started, but everyone who was there that night can tell you, he was on a mission. It wasn’t a mission to steal anyone’s girl. It wasn’t a mission to drink anyone under the table. It was a mission to destroy the dance floor.

“Once the music started playing,” said Billy “Sho Nuff” Roman, “he was just mesmerized.”

Matt was quietly socializing at first, nibbling on his spaghetti and sippin’ his drink. No one was quite sure what song changed him into a different human being.

“It could’ve been some Tupac or some Biggie, I’m not sure,” said birthday girl Tomiko “You Know Karate, I Know Ka-razy” Roman. “Maybe even some Fiddy. I don’t have a great memory of that night”

He had a drink in his hand, several people reported, as shown by the photographs taken, but it didn’t stop him. He walked out politely like a gentleman to the floor, almost like he just felt the need to stretch his legs. But when he started to do a little bit more than bob his head, all hell broke loose.

“You know how in Thriller, when Michael Jackson turns into the werewolf, his eyes start to bug out?” asked “Water Bed Kev” Nakamoto. “That’s what Matt looked like,” he added.

“It was like a crime scene,” said his brother Marcus “The Good Foot Is My Right Foot” Nakamoto. “It wasn’t blood on the dance floor, but when he was done, there was carnage.”

According to those dancing nearby, Matt started gyrating, once brushing his shoulder off 97 times in a row while doing a Harlem Shake that would make Lil’ Romeo blush. He also started doing the robot, motioning his way toward one person and then with a flick of his arm, going toward someone else.

“I was right there with him and he was fire,” said Mike “Gimme Some Mo’” Lopez. “Matt didn’t even have his eyes open. It was like he was seeing things like he was Stevie Wonder, with the beads under the doo rag.”

Matt allegedly pulled off several Michael Jackson like kicks, even hitting a few innocent bystanders. Poor Michelle “Fu-La-La-La” Soliman was one of the bystanders.

“I was dancing, minding my own bidness and all of a sudden I hear a scream and before I could even turn around, a size 9 Nike caught me in the leg,” she said.

People attending the party figured that Matt would tire out and pass out on the dance floor, but that wasn’t the case. Cousin Tawni “I’m The Macaroni Wit’ Da Cheese” Gonzales said that it seemed that rather than tire out, Matt became more energized with every step, like he had Red Bull in his blood.

“Every drip of sweat on his face seemed to get sucked back into his skin and give him more energy,” she said. “It was like his passion for destroying the dance floor was more important than anything else going on in the world.”

Britney “I’m The Best You Eva Known Sweetie” Nakamoto decided that she’d had enough and had to pull Matt from the dance floor. Matt was fighting her every step of the way, and it took Nini “You Can Get The Finger, The Middle” Ayala’s help to successfully lift Matt off his feet. But even while he didn’t have anything but air underneath him, he was still dancing. It was like he was playing Dance Dance Revolution, but in the air. His feet were moving and his head was still bobbing, but the girls laid him down on the couch, put three blankets over him, and towelled off his hot head with cold water. Steam sizzled as they did that and it actually caused him to bounce back up and do one more spin move. He then got down on one knee, struck a double bicep body builder pose, and then fell back onto the couch and was out.

“His shirt was halfway off and I almost wanted to help him get the rest of the shirt off because I think he wanted to show his pecs,” said Edson “I Always Take Off My Shirt For Free” Lansang. “But I thought that might’ve been gay.”

Matt slept for 27 straight hours, twitching and also thrusting his pelvis high in the air at times during his time of slumber. You could tell that he was dreaming about what he had just done.

Even Coach Dan, who wasn’t even there physically, said that Matt’s status as a dance floor pro (I know, you know, I go psycho) is now legendary and he doesn’t ever have to dance again in his life to be known as the man who destroyed the dance floor.

This review was first published on Epinions.com

When I heard that this movie was going to be re-cut and re-released in a special edition, I was emphatic. I always thought the movie could’ve been a tad bit longer because there were a few scenes that were in the book that I thought should’ve been in the movie. This edition of the movie doesn’t disappoint. There’s an extra 22 minutes of footage added to the film and most of the scenes make sense. They are helpful in understanding certain things, such as why Ponyboy had a cut on his neck. There’s also a scene that I’d actually seen before that takes place in the courthouse near the end of the movie where Darry gets custody of his brothers. It was on regular television, but nowhere near the video and DVD releases. I’m not sure if it was in the regular theater release or not, but it’s included here.

But for those who haven’t seen the movie before, let me back up a little bit. The movie is Francis Ford Coppola’s vision of S.E. Hinton’s 1967 novel about two social groups, the greasers and the socs. Socs, stands for socials, the kids with the money and the cars. The greasers are exactly what you’d think, as in poor kids with oily slicked back hair. It’s a social struggle between both groups, even though perception will never change, no matter who wins. Socs will always be the lucky ones and the greasers will always be greasers. S.E. Hinton published the book as a college freshman and in an interesting story that is covered in the extras on this DVD, a California school started a petition and sent it to Coppola urging him to make the movie. The original NBC news package is included and is an awesome little tidbit to see.

The cast is an outstanding group of young actors who truly made it in the business. The one who probably had the worst success as an adult actor, C. Thomas Howell, puts on an outstanding performance as Ponyboy. In one of the extras, you get to see Anthony Michael Hall audition for the role of Ponyboy. Imagine if he got the role. We’d have an entirely different movie. Matt Dillon as Dallas steals the movie at times from Howell and is your classic rebel without a cause. He has a few great lines that are very memorable and if you’ve seen this movie, you’ve told someone that they needed to “Do it for Johnny”. Tom Cruise and Emilio Estevez have smaller roles as Steve and Two Bit and provide comic relief. It’s hilarious to see Cruise with his hair slicked back and his shirt open beating Rob Lowe (Sodapop) at arm wrestling. This isn’t the same Tom Cruise we know of today. Patrick Swayze plays the greaser who would’ve been a soc if not for having his greaser brothers. And the karate kid himself, Ralph Macchio plays Johnny who is the sympathetic figure of the movie. Johnny comes from a broken home of a father who beats him and an alcoholic mother and his family is really his greaser brethren and everyone keeps an eye out for him. In one of the extra scenes, you see Two Bit screaming at Johnny’s mother who tries to see Johnny in the hospital after he is burned in a fire. She’s drunk and Two Bit yells at her saying that no wonder Johnny doesn’t want to see her. It’s the only scene in the movie where you see the details of Johnny’s parents and you’d never have known had you seen the original cut of the movie.

Nature’s First Green Is Gold

Diane Lane plays Cherry Valence, who dated a soc that picked on the young greasers and ended up dead, setting up the huge climatic battle where the greasers try to defend their turf and hold on to their dignity. Ponyboy is a greaser who loves sunsets and beautiful natural things and this is an anomaly to many, but he’s able to establish small relationships with people like Cherry, though in a social environment their relationship can not be seen. Cherry tells Ponyboy that if she doesn’t say hi to him at school, to just understand why she can’t. In an added scene near the end of the movie, Ponyboy sees Cherry at school and she completely blows him off, which kills my dream of a possible second movie where Ponyboy and Cherry destroy all social boundaries and marry and have half greaser, half soc children.

The story is actually quite simple, though through two really heavy plot twists, it changes and becomes more sophisticated. It’s about the rich and the poor, the perceived good and perceived evil, and then in a matter of minutes, the perceptions switch. It’s a story that reaches all ages and there are scenes in which you can truly put yourselves in one of the character’s shoes. I watched it with my six year old son (who has seen the movie before) as well as my fifteen year old cousin, who like me has seen the movie several times. There are scenes my cousin and I can get into and relate ourselves to. And we’re 14 years apart in age. My six year old completely buys into the greasers as heroes with big hearts. I think that’s where the longevity in the story lies. It’s timeless. There’s always going to be social separation. There’s always going to be perceived good and evil. It’s a society that can be related to because it’s presented very black and white.

Even with the extra 22 minutes, the movie moves along quickly and that’s always been one of it’s strengths. While there are a few extra dull moments, specifically in the relationship between Johnny and Poneyboy, you feel like you’ve learned their characters more and why they were so close. Johnny was Pony’s closest friend who bought into his love for books and movies where as the rest of the greasers just thought he was an odd ball.

There’s a new ending, which more so duplicates the book and makes the story feel more complete, but if I have one issue with the re-cut, it’s the music. The music is entirely changed. The score was always very dramatic, hitting you at all the right points. When Dallas is running from the police, the music is perfect as if it was rhythmically designed to go with his every step. But here, the music is changed to resemble the time frame with it’s Happy Daysish feel. It’s as if Coppola decided that the 22 minutes were not enough and that he needed to do something else simply to make it worth redoing. But because of the fact that it’s still enjoyable even with the new score, I can’t really grade him down for it. It is his movie, you know.

If You’re Tough Like Me

For you DVD extras junkies, there’s a nice batch of new goodies to open. You get two new commentaries, one with Coppola and one with some of the cast including Dillon, Howell, Lane, Swayze, Macchio, and Lowe. Allegedly, Tom Cruise was too busy jumping on Oprah’s couch to join the fray. There’s also an extra 10 minutes of scenes that they didn’t even add to the new cut that you can watch, including a funny bit in which Dallas just leaves the police station and immediately causes drama, almost like he didn’t learn a thing. There’s a making of documentary that is a little short, but still is very interesting. You learn that Rob Lowe was disappointed in the theatrical release because he was cut out of many scenes. But then when you watch one of the longer scenes that was re-added and had him doing nearly all of the acting, you know why. It was horrible. There’s also a small featurette on Hinton that is interesting as well. The only one that really drops the ball is one in which the actors read parts of the book. There’s nothing to it at all.

If you love the movie, it’s worth watching in the re-cut version. It’s not a new movie, but it feels different, maybe more full. It’s definitely more true to the book. If you haven’t ever seen the original, I’d say fall in love with that one first, and then watch the re-cut version. But even before that, just read the book. It’s also classic.

(Imagine the voice of Michael Buffer)

In this corner, standing at a tall 6’3 and weighing at a svelte 215 pounds, one of the greatest football players in the history of the NFL, a man who can snap his fingers and get any woman he wants, a man who looks down on Drew Lachey’s bald spot, the man, the myth, the legend, Jerry Rice.

In the second corner, a former Nitro girl, a current WWE Diva, this young woman is going to become a household name. She’s a former Baltimore Raven cheerleader who has had sex with the son of the Nature Boy Ric Flair. She has 43 inch legs and she makes hearts swoon; Stacy Keibler.

In the adjacent corner, a woman who is married to a man named Harry, Lisa Rinna.

And in our fourth and smallest corner, former boy band member, someone who is in this show because his big brother said no, a man whose face will walk into a wall before any other part of his body, the boy, the nose, Nose Lachey.

We are in the semi-finals of Dancing With Jerry Rice. It’s a big night and it looks like they’re going to dance twice.

Ok, I tried to fake it, but I can not. My Tivo is broken, and I thought the show started at 9PM rather than 8PM, so I only really got to watch 30 minutes of this show. But here’s what I saw.

I turned on the show and the three judges were bashing the dancing God that is Jerry Rice. They must not have heard me tell them to be fair to Jer. And I’m guessing he was much better than they were giving him credit for, but he only got 7’s straight across and his two dance scores were only 41 out of 60. At this point, Jerry should’ve put on the puppy dog eyes, told the crowd that he did it all for them, and said that he promised a sick child that he was going to go on for one more week. Instead, he told the judges that he’s a winner, no matter what happens. I think he just lost some votes here.

Next was Lisa and while she did a fine job, I felt she was slightly behind her partner. Maybe her partner was dancing too fast. And also, the entire time I was watching, I noticed how made up she looked. She’s always very made up, but this time it was more so. Or maybe it’s just been there this entire time and I only noticed it this time. But I couldn’t get off wondering that if there was an earthquake on the dance floor, that her entire face would fall off. Even though, she did a pretty good job. But I have a feeling that the fans are keeping Jerry, and if they keep Jerry, she’s the only one who would leave.

Nose Lachey was next and he was trying to look sexy, but when you’re 5’5 it’s hard to pull it off. I know I’ve been hard on this dude, but it’s only because he can’t hold Jerry’s jockstrap in a suitcase. He did a fine job dancing the rhumba, but I still think his partner is the best dancer in the entire competition. She just oozes sexuality. The judges love Nose and he scored a 29 out of 30.

They showed a little tease for tomorrow night’s show and they interview Steve Young, Hulk Hogan, that man named Harry, and the great Nick Lachey. That is the show to watch. Those are 4 handsome men if you ask me.

They showed some clips from the early parts of the show that I missed, and man Stacy looked great. Nose looked like Nose, Lisa looked like Lisa, and Jerry looked like a great, great man.

It’s my guess that Jerry’s fans are going to keep him especially because he scored so low. But I wonder if his judges score was too low. Anyway, I have hope. Stacy and Nose are in. We’ll see if everyone was fair to Jer.

A young cousin asked me one day, “What is the perfect girl?”

And right after I said, “Well Trish Stratus of course,” he said, “no I mean what are the characteristics in the perfect girl?”

I thought and I thought and I thought.

And then I said, “Well young man, here is what I think.”

I then threw on my kangol, pushed up one pant leg, licked my lips, flexed my biceps, and started to rhyme.

I want a girl with extensions in her hair
Bamboo earrings
At least two pair
A fendi bag and a bad attitude
That?s all I need to get me in a good mood
She can walk with a switch and talk with street slang
I love it when a woman ain’t scared to do her thing
Standing at the bus stop sucking on a lollipop
Once she gets pumping it?s hard to make the hottie stop
She likes to dance to the rap jam
She’s sweet as brown sugar with the candied yams
Honey coated complexion
Using camay
Lets hear it for the girl she?s from around the way

At that time, he said, “Wow, you really know what you want,” and had no idea I just spit out rhymes of the great James Todd Smith.

I thought to myself, “Kids these days,” while walking away and shaking my head in disgust. I bet if I started rhyming about grillz, he would’ve caught on.

The kids and I play a certain game when we take long trips. It includes an iPod, a large collection of Michael Jackson music, and two crazy children. The basis is that I play a song from Michael’s catalog, and they have to guess if his skin color was light, middle, or dark, during the time he recorded the song. Middle is their way of saying that he was in between light and dark. The kids have a good idea based on vidoes, but basically, unless they’re closely listening to his voice, it’s a guess. However, this is their favorite car game of all time. So I decided to bring it to you.

You can play along and comment below with your guesses.

I bring to you, The Light Or Dark Game~!.

NOTE: My voice is a bit lower than the music. I have not yet mastered this thing called Garage Band quite yet. Soon. Soon.

On Super Bowl Sunday, I got to chat with some special people who I hadn’t talked to in a while. My dad was there, but I’m close to my dad and we get to talk several times a week. Same with mom. And while Eddy Zucko and I don’t chit chat as much as we should, whenever we get together, it’s immediately silly and just like old times. Billy and Michele Parker were my next door neighbors growing up. They were perfect next door neighbors, especially for a young boy. You have Billy who grew up in Texas as a Dallas Cowboy fan. Michele grew up in San Francisco as a 49er fan. Perfect couple right? While my dad was a gung ho sports fan for our favorite teams, I got a different vision of things at Billy’s house. While dad was pretty much on my side with most things sports related because we followed the same things, I learned that everyone wasn’t going to agree with me from Billy. But that made me a stronger sports fan. I was getting two different sides of information and it made me a better sports debator. I could discuss more than just my own teams. And it wasn’t only sports. Billy and Michele gave me a completely different aspect of the world, of pop culture because they saw things under different glasses than I did, or than my parents did. And plus, Billy called Tom Cruise gay before I even knew what the word meant. And he also let us watch all the wrestling PPV’s. Even when he wasn’t home.

So what does it all mean? Well, during the boring Super Bowl, I decided to discuss Dancing With Jerry Rice with Billy and Michele. Everytime the game slowed down, I’d bring up Jerry Rice, rag on Michael Irvin, make fun of Troy Aiken, and say that Emmitt Smith had the biggest head I’d ever seen. It was great. Just like old times. But the conversation kept coming back to the greatness that is Jerry Rice. We discussed Stacy a little bit as well as how overrated Nose Lachey is, but it kept coming back to Jerry. Basically, and thankfully, if not for Billy, Michele, and Jerry, I would’ve had a horrible time watching that boring Super Bowl. Now on to the show. Wham!

Last week, Tia Carerre was voted off and I’m not sure if anyone was surprised. It wasn’t a good week for her and the voters let it be known. The money is on George Hamilton and for some reason, that great man named Jerry Rice to be kicked out next. We’ll see how it goes tonight. Jerry loves being the underdog. Jerry, you’re too slow. Jerry, you don’t have the best hands. Jerry, you’re not handsome. Ok, I’m sure he’s never heard that last one. But you get the picture. I just have one thing to say to America. Just be fair to Jer.

Because ABC wants to force the 1 and 1/2 hours down our throats every week, we get to see the professional dancers show us the five different dances that the competitors will be doing at the top of the show. This is a great fast forward moment. If I was watching this live, I’d be upset. But I’m not, so I get to skip it. The greatest wide receiver in the world is up first.

Jerry is doing the pasa doble and his partner Anna said in order to hold up his posture he should be able to hold a quarter between his butt cheeks. If anyone can do that, it’s Troy Aikman. But if anyone can do it while dancing with a woman, it’s Jerry. Tonight, Jerry is a matador. An expressive matador. If his tight pants are any indicator, his quarter is holding steady. Let’s hope the judges are fair to Jer as the crowd chants his name. The judges were not fair to Jer. He received 23 from the judges.

Just Be Fair To Jer

I understand a little more about Nose Lachey. I think he probably has the best partner. She has the best look and is the best dancer out of the female partners. She makes him look so good. They did this little skit before their performance simply to get big brother Nick on the show. Nose and Cheryl are dancing the tango. Nose is wearing this suit that makes him look about 4 feet tall. And that Cheryl is just on fire. Nose is holding up his end of the bargain. The crowd is going crazy for them as well. Looks like he’s going to score high. Nose grabbed two handfuls of her boobs to end the dance and almost dropped her at the end. Unfortunately the judes are very fair to Nose and they gave him 30.

Georgie Hamilton is next and he is even more tanned than usual. I’m not sure how that is possible. His partner Edyta is working her rear end off dancing for George. George is smooth, but they don’t give him much to do other than pose. But he poses well. Georgie has a certain charisma about him and he made dancing the rumba look like acting. It was very weird. Georgie scored exactly the same as Jerry.

Lisa Rinna must be stressed. She’s not looking her best this week. Not the week to not look your best. The routine isn’t really all that impressive. The degree of difficulty isn’t like that of what Stacy or Nose would do. I wonder how the judges will score that. It seemed fine for what it was though. The quickstep isn’t all that impressive of a dance anyway though. The judges seemed to really like her. But for some reason, I don’t think the fans are going to save her. She pulled out three 9’s from the judges.

It’s time for Stacy. After last week’s bonanza, let’s see if she can follow up with the jive. I wonder if she’s ever heard Slick’s version of Jive Soul Bro, being involved in wrestling and all. Slick was always lying to his friends. You’d think Stacy’s size 43 inch legs would hinder her in dances in which she has to dance fast and kick her legs out, but nope. If Nose got a 30, Stacy deserves a 30 and then some extra points on the side. No matter what, she’s going to gain the most from this show.

Once again, we get the horrible group dance. They get to do this ballroom deal where they all dance in circles and crash into each other. Well at least they did in the rehearsal. This was only interesting becaue Stacy was wearing a dress with a very low back. And Georgie shook his booty. Lisa Rinna got spun on her back like my cousin Eric when “Planet Rock” comes on. Thankfully it’s over.

I think the easy vote is to say Georgie is going out, but he pulled out all kinds of stops with his personality this week that I think his fans are going to turn out and vote to keep him in. Same with Jerry. I think Lisa’s fans might think she’s in because of her high judge vote. And I think she’s going to lose. And if Jerry for some reason does go out, this all of a sudden becomes Dancing With Stacy Keibler.

This may be the longest night of my life. Several months ago, I thought doing an post covering the Grammy’s would be a fun idea. As the night got closer, the thought that this might actually be work rather than fun started creeping in my head. And now, I’m wondering how many cups of coffee I will need to stay awake. Here we go.

• When the announcer said that Madonna and Gorillaz (just Gorillaz, not the Gorillaz) were opening up the show, any person in their right mind would’ve expected Madonna to show up with Jack Black and King Kong.
• Madonna needs to lessen up on the squats as her quads are busting out of her skin.
• Stevie Wonder has 24 Grammy’s? Almost one for every one of his children.
• Alicia just screwed up Higher Ground and Stevie was right there beside her- this is not starting out well (world, just stop sleeping?).

Alicia Just Stop Sleeping

• Gwen is fat! Oh, I forgot, she’s pregnant.
• I was just told that Sheryl Crow and Lance Armstrong just broke up, but let’s just hope it wasn’t because of Kelly Clarkson who just won the first award for pop female vocal performance.
• Coldplay is next, which means I get to shave 5 minutes off of watching this show (I’m watching this on Tivo delay by the way).
• Anyone think that Johnny Legend and Alicia Keys can do a duet album like Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell? I think this needs to happen.
• Sugarland? I’m out of this loop. Another five minutes of my night I save.
• Now I know who Merle Haggard is, and Mighty Merle might be the greatest nickname in music.
• The country album award was just given out and now all of Nashville can call it a night.
• I will give it to U2 for completely staying in the game throughout all these years.
• Next to Jason Preistley, I think Bono might be the coolest white man alive.
• In that cream suit, Luda is definitely pimpin’ all over the world.
• Kanye West beating Common for best rap album is akin to Puff Daddy beating Wu-Tang for best rap album. Kanye love the kids.
• I’m not sure if I should be happy or sad that Kelly Clarkson vocally out performed both Johnny Legend and Mary J. Blige so far live on stage.
• Gwen is fat! Dammit, I keep forgetting that she’s pregnant.
• What a surprise? U2 wins best rock album.
• Oh that Ellen DeGeneres.
• I wonder why someone doesn’t pony up like 500 million dollars to get Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson to revisit 1982 and sing “The Girl Is Mine” live on stage again. You’d be able to cut the electricity with a knife if it ever happened.
• I’m actually quite jealous that Will.I.Am. is walking arm in arm with Jennifer Love Hewitt, the original J. Lo.
• Can anyone believe that Will.I.Am helped write “Ordinary People” with Johnny Legend? Would you not be less surprised if Jennifer Love Hewitt actually helped him write it instead?

O.G. J.Lo

• Is Mariah in a girdle?
• And after Kelly’s performance, is Mariah just trying a bit too hard?
• Jenna Elfman is still alive? If she’s able to present on this show, anyone can present on this show. Who’s next? Mr. Belvadere?
• Nashville missed out on Keith Urban and Faith Hill.
• And there’s no way Faith Hill is actually playing that guitar.
• It’s sad that Jay-Z can throw some old lyrics on a Linkin Park track and beat everyone else in hip hop for the collabo award.
• Dave Chapelle is a great, great man. (By the way, I’m on my fourth cup of coffee.)
• First Kelly and now Fantasia. Where’s Big Ruben Studdard when you need him? Wait, was that Randall Jackson?
• One of these things is not like the other and that one thing is definitely the man child named Ciara who stuck out like a sore thumb on the Sly and Family Stone tribute.
• Is Will.I.Am. a wannabe Wyclef, or is now Wyclef a wannabe Will.I.Am? Someone needs to answer this for me.
• I used to think Sly and The Family Stone was a the name of a goofy music group that Sylvester Stallone was a part of when I was much younger.
• Ok, this show has officially started as LL Cool J has graced our presense.
• Do you think that when he’s alone in the room, he still stares at the wall?
• Who you know fresher than Hov? Riddle me that.
• I would’ve never guessed that Paul McCartney and Jay-Z would be on stage together. Someone really needs to pony up that 500 mill for MJ. If Nas and Jay-Z can work together …
• I always love it when singers bust out that harmonica contraption which looks like something that holds your neck in place.
• Kanye West is next, and this promises to be wacky.
• Kanye West and Jamie Foxx promises to be especially wacky.
• The only thing that could top this is if a fat, I mean pregnant Gwen Stefani dressed up in her cheerleading outfit and danced for them.
• I might have to do a separate post entirely on this performance.
• Let’s just say that if you take Drumline, spice it up with some Hustle & Flow, and then bring broke ass Turbo and Ozone out of retirement, you would have this performance.
• And if it couldn’t get any wackier, Kanye is wearing a suit fit for Jerome on “Martin” and he’s showing chest hair. (I just finished my 7th cup of coffee by the way.)

Where’s Nick Cannon When You Need Him?

• Sheryl Crow has been doing way to many pushups.
• Green Day just won record of the year and I can imagine Kanye was pleased with that one. Can we expect an ODB like melt down if he doesn’t win album of the year?
• Herbie Hancock has 10 Grammy’s? Almost as many Grammy’s as Stevie Wonder has kids.
• I’m officially ready for a Christina Aguilera album. I think Donny would be proud.
• Common and Luda must’ve used the same designer.
• Wait, Common, Luda, and Johnny Legend must’ve used the same designer.
• L.A.T.I.F.A.H. was definitely in command.
• Uh, oh, Kanye didn’t win album of the year. That Bono collaboration he was probably planning for his next album is definitely out the window.
• The only thing good about this, other than U2 winning, is that we get to hear Kanye go crazy for another year.
• Thankfully I didn’t have to drink anymore coffee, but now I get to try to go to sleep while thinking of how I can get a suit like Common, Luda, and Johnny Legend.