(At the bottom of this write-up is the post game show that my dear mother and I did. I’ll apologize in advance for the awful mic popping as my original mic didn’t want to work. There are a couple of uneasy edits there as well, but I’ll blame my lack of sleep for those.)

It’s time for the finale. What will I do on Tuesday nights from now on? Maybe get to sleep at a regular time.

No Ryno at the start, but we do get Carrie Underwood. Unfortunately, we get Taylor as well in a white tuxedo. Then Katharine comes out with her Paula Abdul’s showing. And now the rest of the top 12 comes out to sing with the three of them. What a hit record does to someone. Carrie looks really good. It looks like an American Idol alumni show.

Ryno comes out looking very dapper. Heather Locklear and Ben Stiller are sitting together in the audience. Ben has better seats tonight. For some reason, they’re doing video packages on the judges. They must have a lot of time and not a lot of show. Randall is in a phat suit. Paula isn’t showing her boobage tonight unfortunately. Simon is wearing an open shirt with a jacket showing mighty chest hair.

The Maxim twins, I mean, the O’Donahue twins are hosting the Birmingham viewing and everyone has died their hair gray in honor of old Taylor. In Hollywood, Tamyra Gray is hosting the viewing looking like she hasn’t eaten in several days.

Paris is on stage with Al Jarreau. If Taylor is 29 years old, so is Al. Al and Paris go toe to toe with the skee diddles. That was pretty good.

Chris Daughtry is singing with Live. He pretty much fits right in. It was pretty anticlimactic for him singing up there nearly jerkin’ the curtain. I was waiting for him to flip off America for voting him off, but he held it in.

We get another video package, this time with Wolfgang Puck and Kellie Pickler. She’s looking very Kelly Bundy these days. This skit is horrendously meaningless by the way.

What does Meatloaf have to do with American Idol? Katharine McPhee is singing It’s All Coming Back To Me Now with him. Talk about Beauty And The Beast. Though ‘Loaf does get major props for his voice. Katharine is making up for Paula’s covering up. And she out Meatloafed Meatloaf on that last note.

Since when did this show become a variety show? They are doing The Golden Idol Awards, which should be called The Hung Awards. This show has become a complete waste of time.

Because it was so good the first time, we get a second rendition of Kellie Pickler and Wolfgang Puck ordering at his restaurant. The last time she was forced to eat snails, and this time, he’s scaring her with lobsters.

The five defeated men from this season are back. First it was Ace, then it was Kevin, then Bucky, then Chris, and finally, the great Elliot Yamin. They’re singing Taking Care Of Business. Taylor comes out and busts out the harmonica. It’s interesting. With a harmonica, Taylor looks like a soulful dude. Take it away, and he looks like a geek.

Ryno just gave away Mustangs to Taylor and Katharine. Kevin Covais and Lisa Tucker started weeping. More wacky video packages. This time it’s about the families of the Idols. Katharine’s father looks like the love child of Captain Kangaroo and Mean Gene Okerlund. For some reason, they gave an award away for best parent? And Elliot’s mother won. I think Katharine’s sensitive father got hosed on that one. Elliot’s singing U2’s One. And guess who comes out? None other than MJB, the queen of hip hop soul. First MJB was on Dancing With the Stars and now this. She’s making the rounds. My dear mother is getting angry because Mary is taking up all the stage time. She wants her Elliot. She drowned that poor boy out.

We get more Carrie Underwood. She’s singing a song THAT IS NOT Jesus Take The Wheel. I still can’t get over the makeover. She looks gorgeous tonight. And the singing wasn’t bad either.

Another wacky award. This one has to do with public speaking in honor of Randy Jackson. And they give to Rhonetta. If you don’t remember Rhonetta, don’t worry about it. It wasn’t important.

Taylor is a lucky man. He gets to sing In The Ghetto with Toni Braxton. I might give up limbs to be on stage with Toni Braxton. They have a little Billie Joel and Christy Brinkley chemistry going on. One of these things is not like the other, but who cares? He got to sing with Toni.

Katharine is back singing some Shania Twain. Who’s next to come out? Michael Jackson? I might give up more limbs to be on stage with Michael Jackson. Ok, that sounded awkward. But I’m not lying. She’s on stage with the 5 other women doing a bunch of wacky songs including Elvis Presley’s Trouble. Melissa McGhee got skinny. Mandisa didn’t. Katharine looks much more calm and comfortable on stage tonight.

They’re doing another Golden Idol for best impersonation. And the guy who looked like Clay Aiken won. And for some reason, they made him sing on stage. Clay Aiken shows up behind him looking like an albino John Lennon. Next thing you know, Ruben Studdard is gonna come out with a gheri curl.

It’s the Burt Bacharach tribute portion of the show. Burt is on the piano. Taylor and Katharine are singing What The World Needs Now. Melissa McGhee is blinged out of her mind with the diamonds. Looks like Acey is getting lucky tonight. Bucky’s New Hair~! joins the fray after Kellie Pickler. Mandisa does a kick ass version of I Say A Little Prayer. Elliot does his thing and we get the comical act of Kevin Covais. Kevin, Chris, and Acey bring Dudley Moore and Christopher Cross back to life. Wait, Christopher Cross is still alive. Paris is singing something by The Carpenters. And Dione Warwick comes out to grace our presense. But tonight, she doesn’t have any psychic friends. But that’s what friends are for.

The next award is for best male bonding, aka the Idol homophobic award. They showed in slow motion Acey and Chris in a manly affectionate hug. The Brokenote Cowboys won the award and for some reason, they are singing live on my television.

I guess I could sit through those guys if they give me Prince. And they did. Prince is on American Idol. Michael Jackson can’t be too far. This must happen.

Taylor and Katharine are singing The Time Of My Life from Dirty Dancing. If I was Randall Jackson, I’d say that tonight, they both did their thing. If Taylor sings She’s Like The Wind I’ll change my vote.

And the winner is ……

Taylor Hicks

I think I saw Katharine mouth the words, “Congratulations Uncle Taylor.”

David Hasselhoff sighting. Enough said.

But wait, there is more. My dear mother and I did a post game show and you can listen to it below, or click here to download.

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