After watching Dancing With The Stars I wondered if a “semi-celeb” version of American Idol would work on television. After watching the man of all men, Jerry Rice shimmy his way down to the finals, I figured there’d be some worth in watching a favorite celebrity try and hold a tune on television. About a month ago, I heard about this Simon Cowell produced show where they matched up singers with “semi-celebs” who have utilized their voices before. And when I saw who was going to be involved, I knew this was going to be an epic show. My buddy Mike only proved my prediction while watching the East Coast feed of the show when he told me that it was a train wreck. And when I said that maybe I shouldn’t write about it then, he replied with, “No, no, no, PLEASE blog it.” And so it will be.

I just saw Alfonso Ribeiro. Life is grand. And just like Mike said, it looks like poor Alfonso ate Uncle Phil. We have 8 contestants who will sing for charity and it’s an elimination show. Wayne Brady is our host tonight. We’ll see if he can hold Ryno Seacrest’s jock strap. He’s not as good at reading queue cards, but it’s only his first show. Your judges include the following: Marie Osmond, Little Richard, and David Foster. I’m going to jump up and touch the ceiling when Little Richard says, “shut up!”

First up is Lucy Lawless who is unrecognizable. If you put Lucy on stage with four random Pussycat Dolls, I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Ok, I lied. I would. She’s singing with Michael Bolton dueting Time, Love, and Tenderness. Let’s say that Lucy could do a better job than me. But that’s not saying much. Michael says that out of a scale of 1 and 10, Lucy was a 10 in the studio. Marie says that Lucy has guts for being first. She thinks the chemistry between her and Michael should’ve been better. Richard says she needed to project a little better and seems to be a bit smitten. David says that she picked a great song for herself.

Alfonso Ribeiro is next and I’m a happy guy. I remember Alfonso doing all the stuff with Michael Jackson and doing the moonwalk. He’s a shoo in for the finals on this show. Alfonso is doing I Knew You Were Waiting For Me with Michelle Williams from Destiny’s Child. She’s doing her best Aretha impersonation. If you put a gun to my head, I’d probably rather listen to an Alfonso solo LP than a Michelle solo joint. We’re only two contestants in, and I’m already predicting an Alfonso victory. Everyone else should quit now. Marie says that Alfonso was good and his pitch was great. Richard says he sounded so good and didn’t know he could sing like that. Richard may need some help by the end of the night. David says Alfonso can really sing, but also said he wanted to hate him. But he doesn’t say why. Wayne is doing a good job being Wayne. And I guess that’s all you can ask for.

The Fonz and MJ

Carly Patterson, a former gymnast, is singing Somewhere Out There and she kind of sounds like Fievel. James Ingram comes on stage and jeez, that man has a powerful voice. I think after the show he’s going to tell Carly that she did her best, though her best wasn’t good enough. It’s kind of hard to hear Carly sing this song because I remember Clay Aiken doing it on a similar stage and just doing it 100 times better. But she gets an A for effort. I just saw Alfonso doing the Hammer dance backstage telling her, “U can’t touch this.” Marie says Carly gave it a great shot which is carny for, “You weren’t that good.” Paula, I mean Richard says she looked nervous and he says, “Believe that you can and you can and you will.” Yes, that was verbatim. David says that she will improve. He’s also been told by someone that he should try to be Simon. We’ll see about that. You might wonder what Cheech Marin is doing on a show like this. Well, you’ve never heard one of the all time great songs, Basketball Jones. Cheech hits a Michael Jackson-like falsetto (ok, maybe not like MJ, but still) the entire song. If you’ve never heard that song, you can check it out on my MySpace page. He’s singing with Peter Frampton and so far, Cheech was the worst. Baby I Love Your Way didn’t sound as good as I remembered it. I wish he used the falsetto. Marie gives him some nice props. Richard says he didn’t know he could sing. He must not have listened to Basketball Jones. David said he put a smile on his face.Lea Thompson is up next and I must not have seen her since Back To The Future because I don’t remember her aging. She’s singing with Randall Travis and she has too much Willie Nelson in her voice. The vibrato is killing me. She’s also not that comfy on the stage, but overall, she tried to work it out. Marie says that she looks great and high fives her for doing harmony. Richard says that he loves country music and says she was fantastic. David says that he loved that she sang harmony.Jai Rodriguez, aka the Queer Eye guy, is next. The boy can sing. And he’s singing with Gladys Knight who decided to use the entire can of hair spray in her hair tonight. Ok, Alfonso has some competition. If Randall Jackson was on the show, he would’ve said that we got a hot one tonight. Gladys says that Jai was born to do it just like Craig David. Ok, she didn’t mention Craig. Marie says it was great. Richard says he was fantastic. David says Jai set the bar. Wayne does his Richard impersonation and it’s a pretty good one.

Next is the “Ayatolla of Rock-N-Rolla”. Chris Jericho is not a good singer. He does front Fozzy which is his metal band, but he’s not going to do well in this pop contest. The man has charisma so we’ll see if it comes out on television. Cheech has competition for worst of the night here. Lee Ann Womack sings with Chris and it just makes it worse because it just shows how badly he’s doing. At least he has a wicked leather jacket on. Lee Ann lies and says that Chris can sing country. Marie says that Chris is eye candy. She says for him to watch out for his pitch. Richard says it was out of sync and it was alright. David says it was ok, but he has to give him more with the next song.

Hal Sparks, who I haven’t ever heard of before, is next. Oh snap. Hal is singing The Tracks of My Tears with Smoke Dog Robinson. I know for sure that Smokey is an old man, but he has aged better than everyone on this show. And he sounds like every Smokey record I’ve ever heard. I didn’t really pay attention to Hal because I was watching Smoke, but he sounded like he did a pretty good job. Marie says he might’ve been in the wrong key but in the wrong key, he sang well. Richard says he did a fantastic job. David says he’s not sure about Hal yet and to never sing in falsetto again.

Lea is back and she’s singing with Michael Bolton this time. I think Michael needs to grow that horrid ponytail again. He’s not Michael without that balding ponytail. Lea definitely shows some attitude on the stage, even though I don’t like her voice. But she’s trying to rock the Sheryl Crow look which works for her. Marie says she was a thousand times better and loved her confidence. Richard says he liked the first song better. David says a pro is a pro and Lea is a pro.

Carly Patterson is back with Lee Ann Womack. This might be up Carly’s alley more so than the song with Big Game James Ingram. Yikes, Carly’s voice is much weaker in the country genre. She sounded better as Fievel. This is a pretty boring performance. I think this contest will get pretty good once they weed out the weakest of the singers. It was more fun watching bad dancers than it is watching bad singers. Marie says this song was better. Richard tells David to “shut up!” and I just peed my pants. I was waiting for that all time all my life. Richard says he liked her better this time. David says she should sing country. I think they must be grading on a curve.

Alfonso is next and if they had Tom Jones on this show I think they’d cancel the rest of the show and just give it to Fonz. He gets to sing with Big Game James this time. James kind of looks like Montel Williams with that bald head. Alfonso doesn’t do as good of a job, but is still head and shoulders above most. Marie says that Fonz could be there in the end. Richard says he wants to see him do “that white boy dance”. Fonz says that if he gets to the finals, we’ll see the Carlton dance. I have a feeling we’re seeing that dance. David says Fonz sang out of tune but he has great vocal ability.

“Lionheart” Chris Jericho is back with Peter Frampton. This should be more up Jericho’s alley. Ok, I take that back. They’re doing Stevie Wonder’s Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Yours. Jericho is much better when he can rock out, but he’s singing very strained vocals. But he’s wearing a gnarly purple jacket. That should count for something. Marie says it was much better and he has pitch problems. Richard says that he did a good job after doing an odd routine. David says he really stepped it up.

Walls of Jericho

Lucy Lawless is coming back with Smokey. I bet Smokey can get more chicks than even Jericho can right now. The man is on fire tonight. They’re doing Ooo Baby Baby. Lucy actually does a pretty decent job here. Again, she’s unrecognizable. But she wants her some Smoke Dog. Marie says that her voice changed for the song. Richard says he just loved it and says “shut up!” again and my face hurts from smiling. David says it was sexy as hell. David has no chance with Lucy if Smoke Dog wants her.

Hal Sparks will get to show his stuff again but this time he gets to be one of the Pips. He’s singing with Gladys. They’re doing I Heard It Through The Grapevine. This is not Hal’s style. And now I’m wondering if Gladys is wearing a wig. Maybe even Tina’s wig. Hal’s pretty good on the stage though and his humbleness comes through to the fans. Marie says that Hal was too white for the song. Richard speaks tons of nonsense. David says if Hal keeps singing like that, he’ll be a believer.

Pedro De Pacas himself is up next singing with Randall Travis. Cheech seems to be a fan of Randall. This is definitely more Cheech’s style, but he’s doing a voice. He’s impersonating a country singer, but it’s better than his first song. Marie says Cheech is great but he needs to smile more during his performance. Richard is high. David says he wouldn’t sign Cheech and he won’t win, but he’s not going home tonight.

Jai is last singing with Michelle Williams. Someone must be stealing Michelle’s food because she’s so damn skinny. Maybe it was Alfonso. They’re doing Say My Name and Jai gets to pretend that he’s Beyonce. Thankfully they’re not singing Independent Woman Part 1. Jai is the star tonight. He out performs Michelle at her own game. Marie loves the moves, the outfit and even big ups the band. Richard loved it and says, “call my name”. David says Jai is leading the pack.

Tonight they are going to kick someone out. For the rest of the shows, it will be a fan voting. The judges are going to eliminate someone and if I were to guess, my man Chris Jericho is probably packing his bags. They are actually saying who is moving on, thus drilling down to the one person who didn’t make it. And that man is sadly Chris Jericho. They didn’t actually say how the judges voted, but Jericho is a goner. He does the robot for the fans before singing to end the show.

The show was a really cheesy knock-off of American Idol but was so bad that it was good and very entertaining. I think I’ll stick around even though my man Chris Jericho is gone. But hey, I have Cheech and Alfonso to root for.

The boys liked the third film just as much as I did when I was a child. And Clubber Lang didn’t scare them nearly as much as he scared me. This review was originally written on Epinions.com.

In the third rendition of Sylvester Stallone’s Rocky series, it’s the first time that Rocky is actually on top and has to deal with fame and fortune. Mickey actually calls it being “civilized” as in fighters can’t be civilized because they’ll lose their edge if they are. After beating Apollo Creed to win the Heavyweight Championship, Rocky is shown as an Oscar De La Hoya like celebrity. There’s also something different about him. It’s almost as if in the three years since the second film, he actually becomes younger. He is all of a sudden ripped to shreds and looks to have had some facial work done. I wouldn’t ever make a claim that anyone took steroids, but let’s just say Sylvester Stallone probably wouldn’t have passed a medicine test. Rocky literally goes from rags to riches as instead of dressing like a bum, he’s now wearing Italian suits. Civilized.

This film is much tighter than the second film, which was one of my biggest issues with Rocky II. This film doesn’t really skip a beat and doesn’t waste any scenes. Rocky fights twice and also does a charity match with Thunderlips The Ultimate Male, played by a young Terry Bollea (Hulk Hogan). One of the more popular fringe characters in Rocky history, Hogan was handpicked by Stallone to portray the huge Thunderlips, but Hogan had to actually leave the then WWWF because Vince McMahon Sr. wouldn’t let him take the time off. Stallone was a fan of wrestling, going back to doing Paradise Alley with Terry Funk. There are also two training montages, which in addition to the three fights, mean that the actual dialogue and non-action scenes are to a minimum. And that has both it’s good and bad points. On one end, Stallone’s goal of being a great actor and following up on his Oscar nomination from the first film is long gone. Though Stallone’s character has to deal with depression and fear, the way Rocky deals with it is to simply mope and feel sorry for himself. When the acting needs to be done, Burgess Meredith and Talia Shire carry the scenes. On the other hand, this helps the film because the story doesn’t permit an artistic film. But it does a good job being a pretty good action/sports flick

The key scene in the entire film has to do with up and coming slugger Clubber Lang interrupting Rocky’s retirement ceremony in which he receives a statue. While trying to retire in front of his fans, Lang, played by Mr. T, calls him a coward for ducking him and not defending his title. “Getting out while you can?” he screams at Balboa during the ceremony. Balboa wants to take the fight, but Mickey tells Lang that it’s not happening. Rocky and Mick argue because Rocky doesn’t want to look like a chump, and Mick leaves and Rocky has to follow him. In their dialogue, Mick lets Rocky know that as his trainer, it was his job to protect Rocky. And this makes Rocky even more intrigued about testing his own worth as a fighter. Being that this is the last film that Meredith plays a large role in the Rocky series, he steals the show when he’s allowed to. He would also do a cameo in a flashback role in Rocky V.

The build up in this movie is not only for Rocky to fight Clubber (not once, but twice), but also for Rocky to stand up to the fear of fighting without his trainer and getting up for a second fight after getting his rear end handed to him. It’s Shire’s Adrian who goes toe to toe with Stallone in a scene where she wants him to be truthful about why he’s not training hard for his second fight with Lang. If the scene were like a boxing match, Shire would’ve scored a first round TKO. The twist in the movie is that Apollo Creed decides to train Rocky for the fight, to give him back the eye of the tiger, which he supposedly lost as he became famous. And civilized.

This movie jump started Mr. T’s career. He was a bar room bouncer and fought in some toughman competitions before being plucked as Clubber. In order to make Mr. T look huge compared to Rocky even though they are near identical height, Stallone lost some near forty pounds. Being that he’s supposed to be a heavyweight, Rocky looks no bigger than a welterweight fighter. Lang is given a great character. The mean spirited non-caring loner is the scariest character in Rocky history. He was also given some great lines that still hold up today. I’m sure you’ve heard a few people say, “I pity the fool.” The disguising of Mr. T’s actual real life size helped him throughout his career as everyone perceived him as this butt kicker. He worked with Hulk Hogan in the WWF helping Vince McMahon make the original Wrestlemania a success. Interestingly enough, one of Hogan’s main opponents in the WWF was Roddy Piper who was small compared to Hogan. To show how small Mr. T really was, Piper was at least 3 inches taller than him and outweighed him as well. A boxing showing against Piper at Wrestlemania 2 really showed how bad of an athlete Mr. T was compared to the wrestlers as Piper blew him up quickly and Mr. T was exposed.

Rocky III is the only film of the five in which Rocky is on top and is humbled and has to bounce back. He plays the underdog role in every other movie, where there is no pressure on him. But in this one, it’s pretty much the opposite. It was definitely the right move for the franchise, but if I was Apollo Creed, I’d have been mad that I didn’t get to make a ton of money fighting their rubber match.

When I was a child, this was my favorite of all the Rocky films. It didn’t have the long dialogue of the first two films and was the most action packed as well. And I was deathly afraid of Clubber Lang. I used to hide behind the couch while watching the scenes with Lang. But as I grew older, it didn’t hold up. I grew to like the dialogue of the first two films (more the first than second), and noticed that in this one, the continuity editor wasn’t there to save Stallone’s direction. In the second film, Stallone’s right eye is so bad that he is instructed to never fight again. In this film, the right eye is forgotten. Also, during the film, Rocky thinks back to his first fight with Lang, but in fact, there’s a shot in there from the second fight, which hadn’t yet happened yet.

This is probably the most fun of the films as far as the action sequences go. Stallone definitely decided to go take the movie into a blockbuster like film, more so than an artistic one, which he tried to do with the first two. It was a smart move as this is the second highest grossing film of the Rocky series. But it doesn’t hold up as well as the first or second as a movie. But it did create a hit song for the band Survivor with Eye of The Tiger and helped make stars out of Mr. T and Hulk Hogan (who was already a wrestling star, but definitely used his fame here to become the most famous wrestler of them all).

My buddy Mike and I were chatting one day about the first week sales of some of the bigger albums coming out by females in August and September. I asked him to predict the first week sales and I made mine as well. You should know that Mike works in the music industry and has had several jobs within it. He also puts together a soundscan report every Wednesday for his company. Let’s just say that he’s most likely a little better at these predictions than I am.

Here are our predictions. We missed out on predicting the new Fergie album. But she’s dropping her London Bridge all over town and we forgot.

<table border="2">
<tr>
<th>Artist</th>
<th>Album</th>
<th>Mike's guess</th>
<th>Garrett's guess</th>
<th>First week total (approx)</th>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>Christina Aguilera</td>
<td>Back To Basics</td>
<td>300-350K</td>
<td>500K</td>
<td>342K</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>Paris Hilton</td>
<td>Paris</td>
<td>100K</td>
<td>150K</td>
<td>77K</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>Danity Kane</td>
<td>Danity Kane</td>
<td>30K</td>
<td>150K</td>
<td>234K</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>Jessica Simpson</td>
<td>Public Affair</td>
<td>150K</td>
<td>175K</td>
<td>101K</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>Beyonc&#233;</td>
<td>B'Day</td>
<td>600K</td>
<td>550K</td>
<td>541K</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>Janet Jackson</td>
<td>20 Y. O.</td>
<td>200-250K</td>
<td>350K</td>
<td>296K</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>Brooke Hogan</td>
<td>Undiscovered</td>
<td>BRICK</td>
<td>90K</td>
<td>28K</td>
</tr>
</table>

Analysis (I will update when the figures are released)

Let’s just say that Mike sure as hell picked that one. He figured between 300,000 and 350,000 and she sold 342,000. My guess of 500,000 was way high and I guess I overestimated her celebrity. Mike also said that her previous album, Stripped did similar numbers, so there you go. He remembers stuff like that. And that’s why he’s good at his job.
Mike’s Xcellent review.
My “basic” review.


Paris underdelivered based on both the predictions of Mike and me. My 150K prediction was nearly double of what the album actually did, and Mike’s prediction was closer. I think part of what hurt this album is that Danity Kane’s explosion made buying decisions quite easy. Early on, when the buzz on Danity Kane wasn’t high, I’m sure this album was looked to sell more copies than it ended up selling. Also, it does suck.
My Paris review.

What can you say about these girls? They overacheived when it came to marketing the record. The three seasons of Making The Band 3 helped. The crazy MTV push helped. And their usage of their MySpace page worked as well. It was the best usage of MySpace I’ve ever seen from an artist or group.
Ok, I kind of like this album.

Well then. For those of us who thought that divorcing Nick would give Jessica the most publicity in her life, (well, that still might be the case) the early negative publicity she received for the album, and the lack of it being actually stellar definitely hurt her first week sales. As has been the case except once, Mike’s guess was much better than mine, but on the Price is Right, we both would’ve lost.
Carletta’s Public Affair
Mike’s take on Jessica

It looks like all the early bad publicity for Beyonce didn’t hurt the first week sales. She sold albums through the roof and has simply defined herself as the top girl going in pop music today. The album’s reviews were decent, though not outstanding, but I think she’s given us enough glimpses that she is going to evolve into what we all expect her to be. By the way, I beat Mikey on this one.
Carletta’s take On B
My take on B’s freakum dress
Mike says B’s an institution

Technically, Mike was a few thousand closer, though he did side on the low end initially. I was a little high, but my high was closer than his low. Who really cares? We were both off, but still close. I’m actually quite surprised because my guess started to look horrible as the date of the release came closer. Her first single was quite the dud, but the second single picked up some steam and now it looks like it’s a decent success. At least better than what was expected.
My take on Janet’s new album.
Mike’s take on 20 Y.O..

So Mike won this one as well. His guess of BRICK was much closer than my guess of 90K. Poor Brooke with all that free marketing based on the Hogan Knows Best television show didn’t even dent the charts. I was way off. 28K? Ouch.
My review of Brooke’s rookie album.

Synopsis
So Mike is better at this game than I am. I already knew that going in, but it was fun to go head to head with the dude. He breathes, sleeps, and eats this music business. I’m happy to just compete with the dude.

This review was posted originally on Epinions.com. And no, sadly, there’s none of Laurie Ann’s boom cacks on any of the tracks.

After Diddy’s embarrassing first try at making a band with rap group Da Band, he decided to stay away from rappers. While the immature and crazy antics of Da Band made for tremendous television, forcing average amatuer rappers with horrible work ethic to work together simply meant a bad finished product. MTV asked Diddy to do another season of MTV’s Making The Band and his goal wasn’t to find the next Wu-Tang. It was to find the next Destiny’s Child. You were able to watch how harsh Diddy was in putting the group together. He held try out after try out to find the perfect mix of talented females and took it quite personally when he didn’t initially succeed. But finally, in what was something like season 3 of MTB’s 3rd season (seasons inside of seasons), he made a band, or girl group to be exact. Throughout the season, there was one person who you knew was gonna make it based on looks and dancing (this is a singing group though right?). Aubrey was there from the beginning and Diddy loved her look and dancing so much that he teased her and asked her if she was hiding her ethnicity. Aundrea struggled with her vocals throughout much of show but did well enough in the end to make it and become one of the lead vocalists in the group. Those two were anointed as the stars of the show and almost everything revolved around them. D. Woods, Dawn, and Shannon rounded out the group and they were off and running.

This is a group first and foremost. On the previous Making The Band season, everyone was pretty much in it for themselves. With Danity Kane, the girls understand that together as a group, they are much better than on their own. There’s no Michael Jackson in this Jackson 5. Aundrea and D. Woods are probably the two best singers out of the group with Shannon and Aubrey being more Britney than Christina, so the odds of them splitting up for the sake of going solo aren’t high. The producers did a great job making it more about the group and less about any one going into business from themselves. Unless you watched the show to see the girls distinguish themselves vocally, you wouldn’t even know who was singing what song.

Almost the entire album is made up of hip hop beats. The beats are constructed by hip hop producers. It’s a heavy dance/club sound and not until you hear the two interludes and the two ballads, do you really hear the girls voices. But again, this is probably by design. What you get is a plethora of danceable and head noddin’ songs that don’t really distinguish themselves from each other, but the positive out of this is that it’s simply a fun album. Speaking of head noddin’, Show Stopper is the first single and though it’s not even close to being the best work on the album, it gives you an immediate sense of what this album is all about. It’s a bit slower in tempo than the other “made for radio and club” tracks. The basis is that the girls are breaking necks just by cruisin’ down the street. If they drive like Aundrea did in the episode where she drove Diddy’s Bentley, than yes, they’d definitely stop the show. I’m of the opinion that was chosen as the first single, only because of the visuals they were able to do with the video. There are far better options for a single.

Right Now features Timbaland pushing the buttons in a rather maniacal way. You hear abusive piano strikes and a frenetically paced beat. You can visualize Timbo eating a sandwich and just wildin’ out while producing it too. The girls utilize a bit of a falsetto, which is definitely not to their strengths, but because of the production, it works out fine. Ride For You was introduced during the show and I thought it sounded like a solid ballad. Thankfully the full version of it is as good as could be hoped, except for the title. Gangsters they’re not. The singing isn’t exceptional, but the Bryan-Michael Cox production fits perfectly into the mix. The second and last ballad (not counting the interludes) is Stay With Me which is the least hip hop influenced song on the album and shows the girls in a new light. The vocals here are as close to top notch as they get on the album.

If not for the dreaded siren that seems to end up in every song nowadays, One Shot with it’s clunky beat and collaborative singing, would’ve been a great way to open up the album. Ok, the siren isn’t all that distinctive and does blend a bit better than it does on other songs I’ve heard. The speed guitar riffs in Heartbreaker are reminiscent of Justin Timberlake’s Like I Love You and the chorus is very catchy. There’s a break beat in the middle that’ll make some heads jump out of their seats. Fans of the show will remember the girls trying to record Sleep On It which is a bonus track. They sing/chant at the beginning of the song which gives it an original feel, but at the same time sounds like a bad live performance on wax. The voices aren’t blended well together.

Hold Me Down is generically and predictably produced by Rodney Jerkins and features some of the worst singing you’ll hear on the album. Aundrea (I think) sings lead and tries to sing powerfully to her failure. I think her voice is much better suited for the slower records where she can coo similar to Janet Jackson. Back Up is messily busy and sounds like a Destiny’s Child track without Beyonce or Kelly to carry it.

Fans of the show will probably really enjoy the album. The rest of America might be lukewarm on it. It’s a good start for the Diddy fivesome, but they’ll have to work on their voices as they grow. Right now, they’re show stoppin’ hot.

Before I get into this classic episode, today is a special day. A Great, great man named Jason Priestley turns 37 today.

Since I last left you, Kelly found a new man named Colin after dumping both Brandon and Dylan at the same time and choosing herself. Dylan, in looking for the killer of his father who is a man named Tony Marchette, falls for his daughter, Antonia. She goes by Toni, thus Dylan thought he was searching for Tony’s son. But when he found out he was a she, he was done. And I don’t blame him one bit. Rebecca Gayheart was the single cutest female to ever grace the Beverly Hills, 90210 campus. She added a certain flavor that the show was missing. The goody two shoes drop dead beauty was the perfect character as the match for Dylan’s negative and angry character. The beauty tamed the beast. I only wish she was on the show longer as this was her last episode. Though it looked awkward because she was in her early 20’s and he looked at least in his early to mid 30’s. The hair line was definitely receding.

Really, not much else had happened. Most of the story centered around Dylan, though Ray Pruitt was pretty much out of the picture. Donna met Joe, the star of the CU football team. Though Joe was about 150 lbs soaking wet, and he was very unathletic (especially on the episode where his hero Steve Young played catch with him). Oh well. Oh yes, Brandon is now dating his editor at the school paper and Steve and Claire are freaky together. This was Dylan’s last episode in his first run with the show. He’d come back several years later in an unmemorable and quite repetitive storyline. Donna and Kelly are in the bridal store and Kelly tells Donna that she’s happy that Dylan will be taken care of by Toni. They also wonder why Toni has no friends. Maybe because her dad kills all her friends?Her father, only known forever from here on out as Marchette, is shown talking to his Wesley Snipes look-a-like hitman and plans Dylan’s demise. Not only did he have Dylan’s father killed, but he wants Dylan killed as well. That’ll show Dylan for liking his daughter.The girls take Toni away and the men take Dylan away for their bachelor/bachelorette parties. Steve tells Dylan that after all these years, it’s the first time he’s ever seen him happy. And then all the boys take a shot. Brandon says that Dylan has done anything and everything twice already so poker it is. The girls have strippers and cigars. Marchette gets a call from Wesley Snipes and Wesley tells Marchette that Dylan was with too many of his friends to be killed, so the hit didn’t go through. Bruno, the limo driver and Toni’s second father has no idea Marchette wants to kill Dylan and thinks everything is peachy. Brandon tells Dylan that he’s never met a woman more worth it than Dylan’s future wife. And he’s known her for about a month. Dylan tells Brandon that he’s the best friend he’s ever had. And this is maybe a year after Brandon put the moves on his Kelly. Forgive and forget.

The girls are at the house on the beach and none other than Ray Pruitt shows up. He’s been a menace, showing up at Donna’s pretty much every show since she dumped him cold. She tells him to leave and he says she better start listening to him or he’s going to make her life miserable. Tough love. Toni tells Kelly that she and Dylan are both alike in that they don’t have much family and Kelly tells them that Dylan’s friend are her family too, and that she knows Marchette had Dylan’s dad killed and advises Toni to leave Beverly Hills and go as far as possible. That’s the plan.

90210 Perfection

Jim and Cindy Walsh send a telegram from Hong Kong and send their best and Dylan says they’re just glad he’s not marrying Brenda. Speaking of Brenda, she sends a telegram as well and says she will always love him. Dylan says he’s never felt better about anything in his whole life. Woah Nelly, that will soon change.Marchette shows up at Donna’s beach house to see his daughter all dressed in white. He tells Toni not to go through with this because she’ll have a life time of misery. Don’t you love foreshadowing? He says that the marriage is made in hell and he won’t watch her go through with it. She tells him he made his own hell, and he will have to live in it. Bruno shows up and he says he’ll walk her down that ailse. Bruno (and remember, he’s the limo driver) says she’s the most important thing to him.

The wedding ceremony is held among rocks and dirty pavement. There is no one in attendance except Brandon and Bruno and the bride walks down the aisle to violins. I think Miri Ben-Ari was one of them. Just kidding. They read some wacky vows about running away from things and never having to do that again. We learn that Dylan’s middle name is Michael for any 90210 trivia enthusiasts out there. And Dylan kisses the bride.

Dylan carries Toni through his front door and they dance to Nobody Knows Me by Lyle Lovett.

Joe tells Donna that he almost got married out of high school after Donna shows him the bouquette she caught. Colin asks Kelly if it was hard watching her old boyfriend get married. And then they start making out.

Dylan and Toni wake up from a long slumber on their first day as husband and wife. Steve and Nat show up in tuxedos to serve Dylan and Toni breakfast, even though it’s 4PM in the early evening. Marchette calls and Dylan wants to hang up on him, but Marchette wants to work things out (which is carny for I want to kill you) and asks Dylan to come to the office. Bruno buys the nice guy Marchette. Marchette tells Wesley that Dylan is coming and Wesley says, “It’s done.” Bruno and Wesley talk and Wesley mentions something about “if he makes it out alive” and Bruno is worried and tries to call the newlyweds, but because of all the interuptions, they took the phone off the hook and he can’t get through. Toni looks for the abandoned cat that they took in and worries that it will rain and the cat will get stuck in the rain. Bruno continues to try and call the newlyweds and finally phones the Peach Pit to look for Brandon. Suprisingly enough, Brandon is there. He tells Brandon that Marchette put a hit on Dylan. Brandon races to Dylan’s to tell him. It’s now raining and Dylan can’t find the cat. He tells Toni to go talk to her dad while he finds the cat. Uh oh. Brandon reaches Dylan’s and they jump in the car to go after Toni. The hitmen trap Dylan’s car and fire shots, only Dylan’s not in the car. Toni is. Dylan reaches his car and puts Toni in his arms and screams because she’s dead. He horrifically screams to Brandon, duplicating his scream when his father was blown up by a car bomb.

Dylan makes Brandon swear that he doesn’t mention anything about the connection to Marchette in Toni’s death. Dylan says nothing will bring her back. At the funeral, Marchette walks away and Dylan follows him. Marchette blames Dylan for her death. He pulls out a gun and hands it to Dylan. He begs Dylan to shoot him because he has nothing left to live for. Dylan points the gun at him and decides not to. He says, “My father is gone, your daughter is gone, we’re even now. Killing is done.” The way I see it, Dylan lost a dad and a wife and Marchette only lost a daughter. I don’t see that as being even.

Dylan packs up as he gets ready to move and sees Toni’s wedding dress. He caresses it. The damn cat finally shows up. Rather than kicking the cat like I would’ve, he holds the cat and weeps.

Dylan hops on his motorcycle and asks Brandon to lock up the place for him. He’s leaving.