After watching Dancing With The Stars I wondered if a “semi-celeb” version of American Idol would work on television. After watching the man of all men, Jerry Rice shimmy his way down to the finals, I figured there’d be some worth in watching a favorite celebrity try and hold a tune on television. About a month ago, I heard about this Simon Cowell produced show where they matched up singers with “semi-celebs” who have utilized their voices before. And when I saw who was going to be involved, I knew this was going to be an epic show. My buddy Mike only proved my prediction while watching the East Coast feed of the show when he told me that it was a train wreck. And when I said that maybe I shouldn’t write about it then, he replied with, “No, no, no, PLEASE blog it.” And so it will be.

I just saw Alfonso Ribeiro. Life is grand. And just like Mike said, it looks like poor Alfonso ate Uncle Phil. We have 8 contestants who will sing for charity and it’s an elimination show. Wayne Brady is our host tonight. We’ll see if he can hold Ryno Seacrest’s jock strap. He’s not as good at reading queue cards, but it’s only his first show. Your judges include the following: Marie Osmond, Little Richard, and David Foster. I’m going to jump up and touch the ceiling when Little Richard says, “shut up!”

First up is Lucy Lawless who is unrecognizable. If you put Lucy on stage with four random Pussycat Dolls, I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Ok, I lied. I would. She’s singing with Michael Bolton dueting Time, Love, and Tenderness. Let’s say that Lucy could do a better job than me. But that’s not saying much. Michael says that out of a scale of 1 and 10, Lucy was a 10 in the studio. Marie says that Lucy has guts for being first. She thinks the chemistry between her and Michael should’ve been better. Richard says she needed to project a little better and seems to be a bit smitten. David says that she picked a great song for herself.

Alfonso Ribeiro is next and I’m a happy guy. I remember Alfonso doing all the stuff with Michael Jackson and doing the moonwalk. He’s a shoo in for the finals on this show. Alfonso is doing I Knew You Were Waiting For Me with Michelle Williams from Destiny’s Child. She’s doing her best Aretha impersonation. If you put a gun to my head, I’d probably rather listen to an Alfonso solo LP than a Michelle solo joint. We’re only two contestants in, and I’m already predicting an Alfonso victory. Everyone else should quit now. Marie says that Alfonso was good and his pitch was great. Richard says he sounded so good and didn’t know he could sing like that. Richard may need some help by the end of the night. David says Alfonso can really sing, but also said he wanted to hate him. But he doesn’t say why. Wayne is doing a good job being Wayne. And I guess that’s all you can ask for.

Carly Patterson, a former gymnast, is singing Somewhere Out There and she kind of sounds like Fievel. James Ingram comes on stage and jeez, that man has a powerful voice. I think after the show he’s going to tell Carly that she did her best, though her best wasn’t good enough. It’s kind of hard to hear Carly sing this song because I remember Clay Aiken doing it on a similar stage and just doing it 100 times better. But she gets an A for effort. I just saw Alfonso doing the Hammer dance backstage telling her, “U can’t touch this.” Marie says Carly gave it a great shot which is carny for, “You weren’t that good.” Paula, I mean Richard says she looked nervous and he says, “Believe that you can and you can and you will.” Yes, that was verbatim. David says that she will improve. He’s also been told by someone that he should try to be Simon. We’ll see about that. You might wonder what Cheech Marin is doing on a show like this. Well, you’ve never heard one of the all time great songs, Basketball Jones. Cheech hits a Michael Jackson-like falsetto (ok, maybe not like MJ, but still) the entire song. If you’ve never heard that song, you can check it out on my MySpace page.  He’s singing with Peter Frampton and so far, Cheech was the worst. Baby I Love Your Way didn’t sound as good as I remembered it. I wish he used the falsetto. Marie gives him some nice props. Richard says he didn’t know he could sing. He must not have listened to Basketball Jones. David said he put a smile on his face.Lea Thompson is up next and I must not have seen her since Back To The Future because I don’t remember her aging. She’s singing with Randall Travis and she has too much Willie Nelson in her voice. The vibrato is killing me. She’s also not that comfy on the stage, but overall, she tried to work it out. Marie says that she looks great and high fives her for doing harmony. Richard says that he loves country music and says she was fantastic. David says that he loved that she sang harmony.Jai Rodriguez, aka the Queer Eye guy, is next. The boy can sing. And he’s singing with Gladys Knight who decided to use the entire can of hair spray in her hair tonight. Ok, Alfonso has some competition. If Randall Jackson was on the show, he would’ve said that we got a hot one tonight. Gladys says that Jai was born to do it just like Craig David. Ok, she didn’t mention Craig. Marie says it was great. Richard says he was fantastic. David says Jai set the bar. Wayne does his Richard impersonation and it’s a pretty good one.

Next is the “Ayatolla of Rock-N-Rolla”. Chris Jericho is not a good singer. He does front Fozzy which is his metal band, but he’s not going to do well in this pop contest. The man has charisma so we’ll see if it comes out on television. Cheech has competition for worst of the night here. Lee Ann Womack sings with Chris and it just makes it worse because it just shows how badly he’s doing. At least he has a wicked leather jacket on. Lee Ann lies and says that Chris can sing country. Marie says that Chris is eye candy. She says for him to watch out for his pitch. Richard says it was out of sync and it was alright. David says it was ok, but he has to give him more with the next song.

Hal Sparks, who I haven’t ever heard of before, is next. Oh snap. Hal is singing The Tracks of My Tears with Smoke Dog Robinson. I know for sure that Smokey is an old man, but he has aged better than everyone on this show. And he sounds like every Smokey record I’ve ever heard. I didn’t really pay attention to Hal because I was watching Smoke, but he sounded like he did a pretty good job. Marie says he might’ve been in the wrong key but in the wrong key, he sang well. Richard says he did a fantastic job. David says he’s not sure about Hal yet and to never sing in falsetto again.

Lea is back and she’s singing with Michael Bolton this time. I think Michael needs to grow that horrid ponytail again. He’s not Michael without that balding ponytail. Lea definitely shows some attitude on the stage, even though I don’t like her voice. But she’s trying to rock the Sheryl Crow look which works for her. Marie says she was a thousand times better and loved her confidence. Richard says he liked the first song better. David says a pro is a pro and Lea is a pro.

Carly Patterson is back with Lee Ann Womack. This might be up Carly’s alley more so than the song with Big Game James Ingram. Yikes, Carly’s voice is much weaker in the country genre. She sounded better as Fievel. This is a pretty boring performance. I think this contest will get pretty good once they weed out the weakest of the singers. It was more fun watching bad dancers than it is watching bad singers. Marie says this song was better. Richard tells David to “shut up!” and I just peed my pants. I was waiting for that all time all my life. Richard says he liked her better this time. David says she should sing country. I think they must be grading on a curve.

Alfonso is next and if they had Tom Jones on this show I think they’d cancel the rest of the show and just give it to Fonz. He gets to sing with Big Game James this time. James kind of looks like Montel Williams with that bald head. Alfonso doesn’t do as good of a job, but is still head and shoulders above most.  Marie says that Fonz could be there in the end. Richard says he wants to see him do “that white boy dance”. Fonz says that if he gets to the finals, we’ll see the Carlton dance. I have a feeling we’re seeing that dance. David says Fonz sang out of tune but he has great vocal ability.

“Lionheart” Chris Jericho is back with Peter Frampton. This should be more up Jericho’s alley. Ok, I take that back. They’re doing Stevie Wonder’s Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Yours. Jericho is much better when he can rock out, but he’s singing very strained vocals. But he’s wearing a gnarly purple jacket. That should count for something. Marie says it was much better and he has pitch problems. Richard says that he did a good job after doing an odd routine. David says he really stepped it up.

Lucy Lawless is coming back with Smokey. I bet Smokey can get more chicks than even Jericho can right now. The man is on fire tonight. They’re doing Ooo Baby Baby. Lucy actually does a pretty decent job here. Again, she’s unrecognizable. But she wants her some Smoke Dog. Marie says that her voice changed for the song. Richard says he just loved it and says “shut up!” again and my face hurts from smiling. David says it was sexy as hell. David has no chance with Lucy if Smoke Dog wants her.

Hal Sparks will get to show his stuff again but this time he gets to be one of the Pips. He’s singing with Gladys. They’re doing I Heard It Through The Grapevine. This is not Hal’s style. And now I’m wondering if Gladys is wearing a wig. Maybe even Tina’s wig. Hal’s pretty good on the stage though and his humbleness comes through to the fans. Marie says that Hal was too white for the song. Richard speaks tons of nonsense. David says if Hal keeps singing like that, he’ll be a believer.

Pedro De Pacas himself is up next singing with Randall Travis. Cheech seems to be a fan of Randall. This is definitely more Cheech’s style, but he’s doing a voice. He’s impersonating a country singer, but it’s better than his first song. Marie says Cheech is great but he needs to smile more during his performance. Richard is high. David says he wouldn’t sign Cheech and he won’t win, but he’s not going home tonight.

Jai is last singing with Michelle Williams. Someone must be stealing Michelle’s food because she’s so damn skinny. Maybe it was Alfonso. They’re doing Say My Name and Jai gets to pretend that he’s Beyonce. Thankfully they’re not singing Independent Woman Part 1. Jai is the star tonight. He out performs Michelle at her own game. Marie loves the moves, the outfit and even big ups the band. Richard loved it and says, “call my name”. David says Jai is leading the pack.

Tonight they are going to kick someone out. For the rest of the shows, it will be a fan voting. The judges are going to eliminate someone and if I were to guess, my man Chris Jericho is probably packing his bags. They are actually saying who is moving on, thus drilling down to the one person who didn’t make it. And that man is sadly Chris Jericho. They didn’t actually say how the judges voted, but Jericho is a goner. He does the robot for the fans before singing to end the show.

The show was a really cheesy knock-off of American Idol but was so bad that it was good and very entertaining. I think I’ll stick around even though my man Chris Jericho is gone. But hey, I have Cheech and Alfonso to root for.

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