The main reason I wanted to watch this show was because of Dreamgirls. I wanted to see how the movie and the actors would get treated tonight. I loved every second of it and it’s the only thing I’m really interested. But in order for me to watch this show, I figured I might as well recap it to keep my interest.

One thing I always wondered was why this show out of all the awards shows is treated like it’s the most special. Is it just the motion picture industry itself is more respected? Is it because of all the money in the industry? Why does every guy wear a tux and every woman wear a designer dress? Why won’t I ever see anyone in jeans at this awards show unless a Wayans Brother was nominated? Let’s see if I can stay awake.

• Even the house announcer called it the “Gold Standard”. Why am I not that excited to watch the “Gold Standard” awards show?
• Ellen DeGeneres is your host tonight and she’s wearing a reddish-maroon-purple velvet suit that would make Prince blush.
• If you were a host, wouldn’t you want everyone to be like Will Smith in the audience? Has the Fresh Prince ever not enjoyed himself anywhere on earth?
• Nicole Kidman needs to get her money back from the doctor that decided to make her look like Meryl Streep.
• And the first award is ….. Best Art Direction. Way to start the show off with a bang guys.
• Pan’s Labyrinth won if anyone is interested.
• If you look really closely at the actual Oscars statue it kind of looks like the new Britney Spears.

• Will Ferrell’s new hairdo is taken from the William Katt page in the greatest hairdo’s of all time book.
• You’d think that Will Ferrell and Jack Black singing together would at least be a little funny. You’d be wrong.
• Is the Achievement In Makeup award sort of like the Best Country Song Not Sung By The Dixie Chicks award that never gets shown on the Grammys telecast?
• I always wanted to know who edited sound the best. Now I know - Bub Asman.
• Should you really be a presenter for the Academy Awards if you starred in the remake to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre? I’m looking at you Jessica Biel.
• Dreamgirls just won for Achievement In Sound Mixing. Woohoo~! I say. Woohoo~!
• Who knew that the Jackie Earl Haley was the same Jackie Earl Haley who played the great Kelly Leak in The Bad News Bears?
• I wonder if it upsets Babyface that his ex-wife Traci is under Eddie Murphy’s arm now? I know it would upset me, as fine as Traci still is.
• Eddie Murphy was robbed by a man named Alan Arkin from Little Miss Sunshine in the Supporting Actor race. At least Eddie’s speech would’ve been more entertaining instead of nervous like Mr. Arkin’s. Ok, so what, I’m bitter.
• Martin Scorsese only needs a cigar in his mouth and a hat on his head and he’s a dead ringer for Groucho Marx.
• This show needs a shot of something - maybe Kanye West. Someone needs to be angry that they didn’t win.
• I remember liking Cameron Diaz once. Oh yes, it was when she was singing horrible karaoke in My Best Friend’s Wedding.
• Happy Feet just won for Animated Film and Lightning McQueen looked to be very upset.
• Tom Cruise presented Sherry Lansing with an award and then whispered something in her ear that looked like, “Those rumors about me aren’t true, I really have seen Katie Holmes naked. Really, I have!”
• Presenter Robert Downey Jr.‘s hair looks very much like Cameron Diaz’s during her date on There’s Something About Mary. Let’s hope it wasn’t for the same reason.

Robert Downey Jr.

• If she lost for Supporting Actress Jennifer Hudson was quoted as saying, “And I’m telling you, I’m not going nowhere.”
• They must’ve been scared as Effie White just won.
• After the second time she thanked God, they started playing the music to get her out of there. But she thanked Jennifer Holiday before they finally gave her the hook.
• Clint Eastwood just did the worst teleprompter reading of all time, and as they cut away, you can hear him saying, “I should’ve worn my glasses.” Come on Clint, you can’t be growing old in front of us.
• How long has Penelope Cruz been making movies in the US? You’re telling me that her accent is still that heavy? I’m not buying it.
• I once saw Fred Flintstone use tooth picks to keep his eye lids open. I wonder if that works…
• J. Lo is on screen talking about how much Motown inspired Dreamgirls. Berry Gordy just dropped his bowl of ice cream.
• Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson are on stage trying to out sing each other. Beyonce looks delicious by the way. Though I could’ve done without seeing Jennifer Hudson’s areola.
• Keith Robinson and Annika Rose are singing Patience with a little help from Beyonce and J-Hud. Eddie Murphy is no where to be found. I wonder if it has anything to do with him having to sing live?
• So there were three Dreamgirls songs up for Original Song and they all lost to Melissa Etheridge’s blue suit.
• By the way, if anyone didn’t set their Tivo to record long, their show ended with Melissa thanking her wife and their four children.
• I just pinched myself a couple times to make sure I’m still alive.
• I think Kate Winslet and Penelope Cruz were the only women up for Best Actress under 100 years old and they both lost. Helen Mirren won by the way for Queen.
• Who hid Reese Witherspoon and replaced her with Nicole Ritchie?
• Is it me, or does Ryan Gosling look like a less stoned version of David Arquette?
• The guy who played Charles Jefferson in Fast Times At Ridgemont High and who also directed Whitney Houston in Waiting To Exhale just won the award for Best Actor. His name? Forest Whitaker.
• And the winner for the Best Director award goes to …. Groucho Marx! Better known as Martin Scorsese.
• Finally, as my eyes are falling out of my head, the Best Motion Picture award goes to …. The Departed.
• Next time I can’t sleep, I’m going to re-watch this show. Goodnight!

The Hulkster and Nasty Nick wonder about the Duff sisters and why they are famous. I wonder if they wonder about Brooke?

Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs calls the Hulkster and wants to come over. Brooke thinks that her mom will be angry. Of course. Linda does blow up and even though they live in a mansion, she says that there is no room for Knobbs. She says he won’t be sleeping on the couch. Nick says that she lets her dog sleep on the couch and Linda says it’s because it’s her dog. Nick and the Hulkster say that Knobbs is their dog.

Knobbs still has the same mullet that he wore in his wrestling days. He will never not be Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs. Linda gets the bed ready for Knobbs and Nick pulls down his pants and wipes his bare ass on both of Knobbs’ pillows.

Knobbs blows out the bathroom and Linda walks in disgusted and gives Knobbs his own bottle of air freshener to carry with him at all times.

Knobbs jumps on the Hulkster who is still sleeping the next morning and the Hulk isn’t too happy. They go to the liquor store to get tons of alcohol to drink while they’re in the pool. Hogan smashes his beer can on Knobbs’ head. Knobbs tries to stay longer and Linda is quite upset.

Knobbs gets them tickets to the Tampa Bay Devil Ray’s baseball game and they meet Don Zimmer. Hogan goes into the batting cage and surprisingly, has a pretty decent swing. As for Knobbs? I’ve seen better swings on a playground. Linda calls Hulk on his cell phone and says that he and Knobbs are back in their college days. I wonder if they even went to college?

Linda goes into Knobbs room to clean it up and wishes for maids. Knobbs asks Nick if he’s getting on his nerves yet. And he says he’s the fat Hulk Hogan. Knobbs wants to watch a movie, but everyone else is tired. He goes upstairs to wake up Hulk to see if he wants to watch Wrestlemania VII.

Hulk goes in the room to wake Knobbs and does so with a large elbow drop. Knobbs nearly dies while he’s gasping for air. Knobbs tells Linda that he’s going to cook breakfast. The Hulkster doesn’t even know how to turn on the stove. Linda has to take over and finish it off. Knobbs offers to walk the dogs and Linda asks him to give one of the dogs a bath instead. He doesn’t do this in the tub, but outside. And he asks Nick for two towels and Nick just walks away saying that there are none. Nick is in the house with his friends and Knobbs is going everything to embarrass him for not getting him the towels. Trying to be helpful, Knobbs tries to help with laundry. He does a Hulkster impersonation and this doesn’t vibe with the Hulk. Hulk then gives Knobbs a chair shot to the back for some reason. Linda goes to get the laundry and Knobbs made her whites pink. What did she really expect?

Knobbs says that a bunch of old wrestlers are in town and that they should invite them over. These wrestlers include Greg “The Hammer” Valentine, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Haku, Brutus “The Barber” Beefecake, Al “Dog” Green, B. Brian Blair, and Nasty Boy Jerry Saggs. Saggs doesn’t look like a Nasty Boy anymore unlike Knobbs and he shaved the mullet. They all do a shot and then they all get sent out to the pool. Valentine takes a wiz out behind the house. Linda and Brooke get home and Linda is soon enough thrown in the pool. I could’ve gone without seeing Linda’s thong while she got out of the pool. Haku then chased down Brooke to dump her in. I wouldn’t mess with Haku.

And the Barrys are already at it.

Photo from The San Jose Mercury News.

This review was originally published on Epinions.com.

Ruben Studdard was the winner of the second season of American Idol. It was a season in which he went head to head with Clay Aiken. Ruben was a favorite from the start and when it was all said and done, a possible force on the R&B music scene. His rookie album was released and it was mix of R&B and wannabe club music. I say wannabe because no DJ in his right mind was going to play Ruben alongside Fat Joe in the clubs. It didn’t fit the persona he created on American Idol which was this soulful ballad singer. The album was a decent success, even though the single was an ode to apologizing in 2004 (Sorry 2004). And though we didn’t get the updated version of being sorry in 2007, Ruben is back (he released an all gospel album as his second album) to trying to be what Gladys Knight thought he was. It’s the supposed return of the velvet teddy bear.

Ruben is a hard artist to sell to today’s pop music stylings of R&B music. He’s a much better retro artist, singing old soulful tracks. When he tries to bring it to today from a lyrics and production standpoint, it’s a failed attempt because you just can’t buy him as a sexy and seductive singer. He has a fabulous voice, but it’s not comparable to Luther Vandross, who he’s usually compared to. Vandross’ voice is boisterous effortless silk while Studdard’s is more forced and lazy at times.

(Though he does a very good version of If Only For One Night, and it’s the best song on the entire album.)

Do I think he can succeed in 2007? Yes. But in order to do so, he needs smart ballads that cater to his cuddly, charming, shy, nice guy image that he sold so well on American Idol.

But with songs like Change Me which sound fine, but really get him nowhere, he’s just going to crumble under artists that sound just as good as he does, and are more genuine. I’m not sure I’m in the majority here, but I want to hear Ruben put women on pedestals, making music about love. But rather, we get this.

What if I talked about your face in the morning
Cause we know that you ain’t cute in the morning
What If I criticized the way that you be eating
And when you sleeping, you be doing that heavy breathing
What if I was at or ‘bout your house creeping

Change Me is just silly from a lyrical perspective. Produced by the Underdogs, it’s fine, but nothing special. And for this album to be successful, he needed a home run first single. This one barely made it out of the infield.

The Return tries hard to make Ruben relevant with soulful ballads, but for the most part, they are all very similar and none of them really stand out. Our Story is one of the better ones, but it’s more adult contemporary than straight up R&B. Make Ya Feel Beautiful has a nice hook and features Ruben sounding his best, but it just doesn’t stand out. There’s no magic to it. It’s just a nice song.

Get U Loose is like a B-side song at best. For some reason I was thinking about this song and thought to myself, “Would Usher include this on his album?” and then thought no, that it wouldn’t have even made the B-side on an Usher double disc.

The album isn’t all boring ballads. While I hated many of the faster songs on his debut, What Tha Business Is isn’t as horrible as the song title implies. Ruben hits a falsetto for some of the song and for the most part, it’s just a mindless banger, which in today’s music is pretty much par for the course. Ain’t No Party is interesting in it’s production with it’s heavy dull beat and dreamy sequence in the background. But that’s the only interesting part of the song. While this album is so much better put together than his debut, you’d wish that the maturity would’ve increased as well.

Probably the most telling song (and the song with the most possible pop clout) is Rather Not Know which is a simplistic, but fun slow tempo’d jam. It’s about Ruben’s fear of getting cheated on. The story follows Ruben’s girl who he knows is cheating on him, but he’d rather just not know. This should’ve actually been his second single as it’s the closest you get to what I’d expect to be the real Ruben Studdard.

The Return is one of those albums that grew on me as in the stuff that I thought originally was ok, became good, and the stuff that I originally thought was horrible, was just average. It’s an album that isn’t going to do him any favors in his career and it’s already a commercial failure. Let’s hope they learn for his next album. He definitely has some talent, but he’s a hard one to place in the music scene. He can be guided. He just needs to find his way.

I’m still behind a few episodes on this great show. Oh well. I’ll pretend they are new episodes.

Looks like this is an episode all about Nasty Nick. That’s totally fine with me. Nasty Nick is a great great man.

The Hogan family is at a “drift” car show. Nick gets in one of the cars and goes drifting. You get points for sliding your car and creating big piles of smoke.

Nick decides that he wants to be a drift car racer. And he doesn’t even have his driver’s license yet. The Hulkster asks him what’s next - porn star? I watched an episode of “The Cosby Show” where Theo was super serious about taking flying lessons and Cliff gave him this same spiel. Brooke says that Nick has a dream and he should follow it. But I wonder if Hulk can pay millions to get his career off the ground like he did with Brookie?

Nick decides to take drifting lessons. I bet drifting screws up your alignment. Don’t try this at home kids. His teacher says he has some basic talent and he’ll get there.

Nick says that he wants a drift car on his own and the Hulkster tells him he needs to take it slow. Nick says he could get sponsors. And the Hulkster agrees and lets him try to get some sponsors. Hulk calls a friend from back in the day and the friend says he could give Nick a loaner.

It’s great to be a Hogan. Nick’s loaner is a Dodge Viper. Some guy named Samuel Hubinette is supposedly the greatest drifter in the world and Nick is driving his old car. Samuel is also there to give Nick some tips. Hulk tells Samuel, “At least he listens to you.” Hogan’s old friend tells Nick that he was much better than he thought and that Nick could probably go get his drifting license to get his license. Dodge is going to let Nick borrow the Viper to see if he can qualify for his pro license.

A couple guys complain about how being Nick Hogan is unfair and that he gets free cars and then one of them breaks down and starts crying until Nick tells him to stop acting like a baby. Actually it didn’t get that far, but it could’ve.

If Nick doesn’t do well and get his license, he won’t be able to compete this year. He’s practicing and he starts out great and then hits the wall. Linda doesn’t understand why. They try and get the car fixed before it’s time for Nick to actually compete. There’s a part that they need for the car and it’s not one that you can just get at “Pep Boys” as one of the guys say. Linda tells Hogan to start giving out free commercials to anyone who can get Nick the part. Hulk calls a local Dodge to get a spindle from one of the Vipers and they say yes. The Hogans race out to get the part for the car.

Hogan gets to take the Viper back and the boys are going to take the spindle and switch it out. They tell Nick that he won’t have time to practice. They get there and the track is switched to race backwards. Nick is upset. He doesn’t get around the first turn and runs right into the wall. Brooke is crying and Linda is upset. He tries again to qualify with a ruined front end and Linda goes crazy. He didn’t qualify. Linda and Brooke go out to hug him after Hogan says not to. And then Hulk gives his best Cliff Huxtable speech and says that if it came easy to him, he wouldn’t have worked as hard and says that he’s proud of Nick. What a dad that Hulk Hogan is.

I haven’t done this in about three years, but there’s never a better time than now to get it started ala MC Hammer. (2004/2003 All-Star Game wrap ups) Though it seems everyone is falling by the waste side (no Yao, no Jason Kidd, Stevie Nash, AI), it’s in Las Vegas, and in Vegas, anything can happen.

After last night’s All-Star Saturday, we know a few things. Gerald Green can jump. Jason Kapono can shoot. Scottie Pippen cheats. Kobe Bryant can’t throw two handed chest passes. And you don’t want to have Michael Jordan judging anything that he does well.

Wayne Newton is singing, so it must be time to start. By the way, along with the Luchadors, Eddy Zucko, HJ, and Young Randall are in attendance. I haven’t seen Young Randall in a while, so I might give Young Randall a little too much love. If I do, please forgive me in advance.

• In the introductions, Carlos Boozer (who also isn’t playing tonight) disappointed me and decided not to show puffy chest hair through his suit.
• Eddy Zucko says that Mehmet Okur is the early leader for the “Least Amount of Playing Time” award.
• The Canadian National Anthem comes on and Double J asks for the fast forward immediately. Yes, he was born in the Tivo age.
• Danny Ganz, who Nak, Eddy Zucko, and I followed at the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am last weekend, is singing the National Anthem. He looked a lot more buff in person.
• Gilbert Arenas gets the first touch and immediately throws up a three that misses the rim. The over/under for first quarter shots for Gil is 10.
• Shaq looks a bit rusty. It’s like he hasn’t even played much this year.
• Young Randall says that “Mountain Man” Tim Duncan shaved his beard. That saddened me.
• A Gilbert dunk leading to a Kobe jackknife dunk, then leading to a DWade oop - I guess they’re ready now. West is up 14-11 at the first break.
• Young Randall says the over/under on Memhet Okur’s playing time is four minutes.
• They show Jason Kidd and talk about possible trade rumors that have him in the public eye. I would’ve thought a restraining order against his wife would be more newsworthy.
• Eddy Zucko picks Carmelo Anthony as his possible MVP. HJ goes with Lebron. Young Randall goes with Lebron. Double Bri goes with Lebron. Double J goes with Lebron. I’m going with the white chick thriller - Kobe Bryant.
• I don’t think Tim told Tony Parker that he was going to shave off his mountain man beard.
• Just because I know you care - Mehmet Okur isn’t in the game yet.
• And just as I say that, he checks in at the two minute mark of the first quarter.
• We got our one Vince Carter whirling dervish type dunk. Now he can go back to sleep.

• After missing his first six shots, Shaq finally gets a dunk, and then kisses Tracy McGrady.
• Mehmet got to the line and missed both free throws. That might’ve been his only chance.
• Not even midway through the second quarter, the West is up by 15. This could get ugly.
• Kevin Garnett forgot that he was 7 foot tall and misses two lay-ups.
• Tony Parker hits a 20 footer, thrusts out his pelvis and says, “That one’s for Eva.” By the way, West is now up 20.
• Gilbert gets a lead pass from Lebron on a fast break and decides to step back about 10 feet to shoot a three pointer. He missed by the way.
• Craig Sager interviews Steve Nash and Sager asks him how he can wear a mop on his head and get away with it. Actually, he didn’t, but everyone in this room wondered about his hair, so maybe he should’ve.
• KG sends a Dwayne Wade lay-up attempt all the way to Czechoslovakia.
• They show Prince in attendance. Game … blouses.

Game … Blouses

• This might be one of the most boring AS games in memory as the West is just dominating.
• First Toni Braxton, then Cirque Du Soleil (Moon Frye) and then the main event - Christina Aguilera. Though the halftime show wasn’t as hot as Prince’s Super Bowl halftime show, I still would marry Christina Aguilera. Double J just said that he thought I wanted to marry Trish Stratus. I said that I did, but what if Trish said no?
• Starting the second half, West coach Mike D’Antoni decides to use his own guys as he starts Amare Stoudamire and Shawn Marion.
• Even without Steve Nash, Marion and Stoudamire are killing the East.
• Rip Hamilton needs to stick to shooting as he just threw a lob pass to Vince Carter that nearly hit the box at the top of the backboard.
• I think they’re going to try to get Marion the MVP as he’s the homeboy who went to school in Las Vegas.
• And it’s not like they introduced Larry Johnson, Stacey Augmon, or Anderson Hunt before the game.
• Big Play Ray Allen hit a three. West is up by 32 by the way, in case anyone was interested.
• I just asked Young Randall. There’s no mercy rule in the NBA.

(Since the game is a bore, it’s my job to show you something that was not boring and was in fact pure awesomeness. Check out the Shaq Daddy, Lebron, and Dwight Howard tearing it up over the weekend. By the way, Double J says that Shaq Daddy is now his favorite player of all time.)

• David Aldridge interviewed Gil Arenas and asked him about his early prediction that he was going to win the NBA. Gil said that right now, it was “less than likely”.
• Vince Carter hit a running baby hook in the paint and Magic Johnson somewhere just threw his fist in the air and said, ”Yeah!”.
• The game is so interesting that I was just checking to see who won the No Way Out main event between John Cena and Shawn Michaels against Batista and the Undertaker. Cena and HBK won if anyone cares.
• Shaq tried to take Mehmet Okur one on one and did a shake and bake and Okur simply stayed in one spot and didn’t need to move. Shaq missed a running 18 footer.
• By the way, the Luchadors started to get disinterested by the end of the first quarter, or when Mehmet Okur came in.
• An old friend once said that Young Randall and Rip Hamilton looked alike. Young Randall never liked that comparison. In order to make Young Randall feel better, Double J said that Young Randall looked like a handsome and beautiful man.

Beautiful Rip

• Out of our MVP predictions only Eddy and I have a shot. Carmelo and the white chick thriller are in the running.
• The West only won by 21 (153-132), but it felt like they won by 50. I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen a worse All-Star game when it actually came to watching competitive basketball.
• My prediction was right, the white chick thrilla, Kobe Bryant won the MVP and save for a few boos early on (Shaq might’ve been leading them), he does get several cheers.
• Mehmet didn’t play the lowest minutes as KG and Tim Duncan were out of the game early and never went back in, but had the game been competitive, he would’ve. Mehmet Okur, your Western All-Star representative. He had four points and two rebounds by the way.

Today, I went with my parents, some aunts, and my cousin Janene to run at a trail that they walk at every weekend. I had to get up early and drive far to get there, but figured it would be a great way to actually get my running done and did so. I ran roughly 4.5 miles (not sure exactly as the pedometer sucks and only catches about 1 out of every 5 steps I take) and even though my body feels like I was just in a car wreck, I am relieved that I got it over with.

Before the run this morning, I was worried that if it had a few hills, my knees were going to hurt. And there were. But it wasn’t my knees that were killing me. In fact, it was my right arch that hurt and it hurt pretty much from step one through step 9,000. I think it was mostly because we were running on blacktop. On my treadmill or on a nice track, it doesn’t really hurt and I’m more worried about my knee than anything else. On blacktop, my foot was aching badly.

There is only one person who really runs the entire time. My aunt Annette starts off slowly, walking with her sisters and then like an iron ball out of a cannon, she just dusts everyone. I knew this going in and I also knew that she would probably run it faster than me. I was fine with this. I expected it. But I still tried to run her off the course. At about the halfway point of the run, I saw her out of the corner of my eye. She pulled out a fishing pole and decided to cast a line with a hook at the end of it. The hook stuck onto the back of my shirt and she started to reel me in. She caught me. And as she was passing me, I tried to run towards her, pushing her off the course and hopefully into a fence. But to no avail. She skirted out of the way and all I heard was a cackle. It sounded a lot like THIS. And then she was off. The only time I caught her was when we were done running.

Aunt Annette and Me

My foot hurts. My knee hurts. My hip hurts. And I’m so tired. But there’s something about running. It feels like accomplishment. It’s still dumb. But it makes you feel like you were actually productive, unlike say, cleaning toilets or something.

On Wednesday, the Luchadors gave me a great gift. It was a really nice frame (actually sort of three frames in one) with three pictures of them spaced out. I don’t exactly know how to describe this frame, but it’s what the picture folks call a 3-opening frame. But this frame has a curve to it and the frame probably would look best sitting on a shelf or table. It’s really sharp.

Before I show you a few pictures, I wanted to tell you a little about Double J. Double J has an issue with wearing shirts with buttons. He only wants to wear t-shirts. Double Bri on the other hand loves button up shirts. Carol told me that she picked their outfits with this in mind. But when Double J saw what Double Bri was going to wear, he threw a fit, thinking that his mom bought him the same shirt. And as he was ready to give one of his patented Double J fits of terror, Carol pulled out the red t-shirt and all was fine in the world.

Here are three pictures that I stole from the Picture People website. Notice that they have the word “Zazzle” in them. So I guess they don’t really care if you show them online, but no one wants the word “Zazzle” in a printed picture.

This was originally published on Epinions.com.

Only Eddie Murphy would follow up his most critically acclaimed work of his life with something that would irritate the critics enough to have to watch Dreamgirls a second time to see if he fooled them with his tremendous performance. Only Eddie Murphy could follow up an Academy Award Nominating performance as Jimmy Early by playing a nerdy man, a fat woman, and a Chinese man all with the expected stereotypes you could imagine. Thankfully, there’s a decent cast and enough wackiness to be able to not take it seriously, but I can see why people are taking it seriously.

Whenever you mix race and stereotypes for laughs, there is going to be an audience of people who don’t care even if it’s truly funny. They are going to hate it anyway. This movie is not for those people. Instead, Murphy and his brother Charlie (writer for Chapelle Show) decided to stick it to those people in a way. They decided to write a movie that just about hits on every nerve imaginable and because of who they are, get away with it (and to the tune of $33 million opening weekend). There are many funny parts and I laughed at them all, but there was a part of me that wondered if I was wrong for doing so. But only for a second. After all, it is a movie and it is entertainment.

How YOU Doing?

As I said before, the cast is solid in it’s mixing and matching of folks like the adorable Thandie Newton and a buffed out Cuba Gooding Jr., in a comedy role that’s more of a long cameo than anything else. Also, Eddie Griffin plays a pimp because you know, you have to have a pimp in all movies like this. Even Marlon Wayans plays a dance instructor on speed who is only interested in bedding his students. You know, because all dance instructors are like that. But even though the cast works out well, there are only three real stars. Eddie Murphy, Eddie Murphy, and Eddie Murphy. Murphy plays the lead character, Norbit who was an abandoned child taken in by a Chinese orphanage which also doubles as a Chinese restaurant because, you know, all people of Chinese descent own restaurants or dry cleaners. He’s immediately picked up by Mr. Wong (also played by Eddie Murphy in a nearly indistinguishable get up) and told that because he’s ugly, he’s never going to get adopted. Ok, maybe that’s a little nasty. As Norbit grows up, he only vibes with one girl until she gets adopted. He spends the rest of his childhood being bullied by another girl who saves him from a beating and thus he owes his life to her and marries her, all while dreaming of his long lost friend. His large and bossy wife Rasputia is also played by Eddie. Rasputia is a mean Mrs. Klump, played without the mama drawl. Rasputia makes Kathy Bates’ character in Misery look like Glenda, the good witch. Norbit’s life is spent trying to make her happy, while she makes him completely unhappy.

The story is completely over the top with oddly placed cartoon violence spliced in with what is eventually a real story. It’s a story about love lost and found and being courageous on top of that. Yes, all in the same movie. But with the Murphy brothers at the helm, it’s not a straight forward tale. It’s laced with pimps, prostitutes, bullies, sexual fiends, flatulation, and four timing gold diggers (that don’t mess with the brokey broke). It has a good message, but unlike The Nutty Professor, the mean spirited commentary make the build up to the message a little hard to sit through.

Thankfully, as mean spirited as some of the comedy is, it’s still funny. Norbit is Jerry Lewis-like, but is more a copy of Murphy’s aw shucks Bowfinger character Jiff. As with most of Murphy’s characters, there’s heart to Norbit and you really do want to see him win in the end. This movie is probably going to continue to be roasted by critics, but the charm is in seeing Murphy do what he does best. This isn’t the worst Murphy movie I’ve ever seen (Vampire In Brooklyn, Holy Man, and The Adventures of Pluto Nash come to mind), but it’s probably also not the best thing to come down the pipeline for Eddie. See it for the funny, but do not take this movie seriously.

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Back in April of last year, the SOAP Network decided to show Beverly Hills 90210 from the beginning twice every weekday. Because of the greatest innovation of our time (TIVO), I was able to go through every episode again. Actually, I take that back. I missed one. I had accidentally erased Double Bri’s cartoons and to get me back, he deleted one of the episodes. And then he stomped off in disgust. I decided to review some of the more memorable episodes and this is the last.

It was finally time. It was time to throw in the towel. It’d been about 5 seasons since they could pass for early to mid twenty Beverly Hills young people. Dylan’s hairline was receding more every show. The lines on Steve Sanders’ eyes looked like two crows stomped on his face. Let’s just thank the Lord that Andrea Zuckerman wasn’t back.

Being that it was the final show, all of the story lines had to come to an end. Kelly’s boyfriend, the uninspiring Matt was living with a secret that he cheated on her and only Dylan knew. Though Dylan was in love with Kelly, he wasn’t about to sabotage Matt. Why? I have no idea. I’d have sold him out in a second. Matt and Kelly were about to get married and Matt thought that Dylan had told Kelly about his cheating, except he hadn’t. He outed himself. And Kelly was now done with him. Dylan was graduating from college. He looked like one of those lifetime college students. But he didn’t want to tell anyone, in Dylan like fashion. But in the story line that was going to wrap up the entire run of the show, David and Donna were finally getting married. Better than Joanie loves Chachi, David and Donna were together from very early on in the run and had broken up and gotten back together like 500 times. After David dumped the short haired girl who shall remain nameless only because she was a pain and Donna dumped Noah because he was constantly getting plastered, they built up their reconciliation very well. And it finally hit crescendo in the final Beverly Hills 90210 show ever.

Noah’s new girl is a girl he met in his AA class and he’s having a hard time getting her back in the game of life. And this causes problems in their relationship. He’s heartbroken.

Donna asks Nat to walk her down the aisle. Her father passed away earlier in the season (for some odd reason - maybe he held them up for money). Nat says yes emphatically. And then the credits start.

Dun du du du, dun du du du, click click

Janet had been working on being the editor of a new hip magazine. She finally gets it, and now she’s at odds because she also wants to be a mother. Quite a predicament young Janet is in.

Donna and David are going over RSVP’s from folks who had already left the show. Valerie is in. Brandon and Gina are not.

Kelly and Steve are reminiscing about their friendship. Remember the first episode? Steve kept trying to get back with Kelly, and then when she said no, he would just get drunk. Now, they’re best buds. Kelly wonders about Matt, her used to be fiance who just blabbed that he cheated on her. Steve said he wasn’t going to be at the wedding and was leaving to New York to help his brother in law’s wife raise their child. His brother had died a few episodes before. Dylan shows up to save the day. Kelly is just off a long engagement and Dylan is already kissing her face. That was quite easy.

Steve proposes that he and Janet start a new publishing adventure, creating a magazine to compete with the one Janet just got hired to be the editor for. Janet thinks logically and says it’s probably not a good idea because they could lose their ass and be dead broke. But because of the Sanders charm, she bites and they are going to work on the magazine together and raise Maddy in the office like a family. Only in Beverly Hills.

Whoops, Andrea Zuckerman IS on this show. And she’s wearing heavy makeup. At Donna’s bachelorette party (for some reason Mrs. Teasley is here) Andrea puts in a video tape (the actual usage of video tape dates this show) and it’s a message from the great, great man, Brandon Walsh. He tells Donna that David finally caught her and to give his love to Kelly. Brandon looked as handsome as ever. I’m not over doing it here. Andrea looks like she could be Donna’s aunt. They do this wacky bachelorette party game where they have to wrap someone in toilet paper. Valerie shows up and gives Donna a box of condoms as a present. As for the future groom’s bachelor party, we have a Munce sighting. I used to tell Blake that he looked very much like Munce and one time even went to the extent of e-mailing our entire team a snap shot of Munce next to a picture of Blake to prove it. Brandon shows up via video tape at David’s bachelor party as well and he tells the boys that he misses them while Munce burps in the background. The boys read a poem discussing David’s love life, going through about 100 girls.

Janet tells Kelly that she never knew that Steve and Kelly were first loves and they start making fun of his love making skills and how he barks like a dog. And they laugh hysterically.

Steve’s baby bro brings a stripper to the party and it turns out to be a guy. All the men are appalled. This man was even riding David.

It’s wedding time. Dylan (of all people) does a reading and Kelly does likewise. Matt all of a sudden shows up to the wedding. He already broke Kelly’s heart worse than Hulk Hogan and Nikolai put together. He’s ready to go for broke. No, wait, he leaves the wedding. Wuss. David tells Donna that he doesn’t know of a time when he wasn’t in love with her. Donna, in tears, says that David inspires her in ways she never thought possible. She doesn’t fear being herself when she’s with young David. David is doing his best job trying to cry. Donna is a bit long winded. I think even the pastor is giving her the “wrap it up” sign.

It’s reception time. Steve introduces Eric Benet and Tamia (Mrs. Grant Hill) to sing Spend My Life With You for their first dance. It was like Steve was best friends with Eric and helped him cheat on Halle Berry or something. Only in Beverly Hills. Valerie tells Kelly that Matt wants to talk to her in the lobby. Dylan gives the “here we go again” face. Matt tells Kelly that they gave up so quickly and that it was supposed to be their wedding. He says that made him come back. He then concedes to Dylan and tells her that she made the right choice to be with Dylan. What a real wuss. He choked up on his bat and tried to punch it in the hole on the right side rather than swing for the fences.

Kelly says that she’s grateful that David has turned Donna into a sister in law as well as best friend. And who else but Kelly was going to catch the bouquet? It seemed like just yesterday that Kelly had to choose between Dylan and Brandon, and she selfishly chose herself.

The show ends with everyone dancing and it’s a near perfect finale. The only thing that would’ve made it more perfect was more Brandon Walsh.

Here are links to other episodes I reviewed.

The Camping Episode
Kelly Or Brenda?
Move Over Brenda
I Choose Me
Revenge, Retaliation, And Get Back
The Drive-By
The Wedding
Dylan’s Dad Is Not Dead
To The End