I haven’t done this in about three years, but there’s never a better time than now to get it started ala MC Hammer. (2004/2003 All-Star Game wrap ups) Though it seems everyone is falling by the waste side (no Yao, no Jason Kidd, Stevie Nash, AI), it’s in Las Vegas, and in Vegas, anything can happen.

After last night’s All-Star Saturday, we know a few things. Gerald Green can jump. Jason Kapono can shoot. Scottie Pippen cheats. Kobe Bryant can’t throw two handed chest passes. And you don’t want to have Michael Jordan judging anything that he does well.

Wayne Newton is singing, so it must be time to start. By the way, along with the Luchadors, Eddy Zucko, HJ, and Young Randall are in attendance. I haven’t seen Young Randall in a while, so I might give Young Randall a little too much love. If I do, please forgive me in advance.

• In the introductions, Carlos Boozer (who also isn’t playing tonight) disappointed me and decided not to show puffy chest hair through his suit.
• Eddy Zucko says that Mehmet Okur is the early leader for the “Least Amount of Playing Time” award.
• The Canadian National Anthem comes on and Double J asks for the fast forward immediately. Yes, he was born in the Tivo age.
• Danny Ganz, who Nak, Eddy Zucko, and I followed at the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am last weekend, is singing the National Anthem. He looked a lot more buff in person.
• Gilbert Arenas gets the first touch and immediately throws up a three that misses the rim. The over/under for first quarter shots for Gil is 10.
• Shaq looks a bit rusty. It’s like he hasn’t even played much this year.
• Young Randall says that “Mountain Man” Tim Duncan shaved his beard. That saddened me.
• A Gilbert dunk leading to a Kobe jackknife dunk, then leading to a DWade oop - I guess they’re ready now. West is up 14-11 at the first break.
• Young Randall says the over/under on Memhet Okur’s playing time is four minutes.
• They show Jason Kidd and talk about possible trade rumors that have him in the public eye. I would’ve thought a restraining order against his wife would be more newsworthy.
• Eddy Zucko picks Carmelo Anthony as his possible MVP. HJ goes with Lebron. Young Randall goes with Lebron. Double Bri goes with Lebron. Double J goes with Lebron. I’m going with the white chick thriller - Kobe Bryant.
• I don’t think Tim told Tony Parker that he was going to shave off his mountain man beard.
• Just because I know you care - Mehmet Okur isn’t in the game yet.
• And just as I say that, he checks in at the two minute mark of the first quarter.
• We got our one Vince Carter whirling dervish type dunk. Now he can go back to sleep.

• After missing his first six shots, Shaq finally gets a dunk, and then kisses Tracy McGrady.
• Mehmet got to the line and missed both free throws. That might’ve been his only chance.
• Not even midway through the second quarter, the West is up by 15. This could get ugly.
• Kevin Garnett forgot that he was 7 foot tall and misses two lay-ups.
• Tony Parker hits a 20 footer, thrusts out his pelvis and says, “That one’s for Eva.” By the way, West is now up 20.
• Gilbert gets a lead pass from Lebron on a fast break and decides to step back about 10 feet to shoot a three pointer. He missed by the way.
• Craig Sager interviews Steve Nash and Sager asks him how he can wear a mop on his head and get away with it. Actually, he didn’t, but everyone in this room wondered about his hair, so maybe he should’ve.
• KG sends a Dwayne Wade lay-up attempt all the way to Czechoslovakia.
• They show Prince in attendance. Game … blouses.

Game … Blouses

• This might be one of the most boring AS games in memory as the West is just dominating.
• First Toni Braxton, then Cirque Du Soleil (Moon Frye) and then the main event - Christina Aguilera. Though the halftime show wasn’t as hot as Prince’s Super Bowl halftime show, I still would marry Christina Aguilera. Double J just said that he thought I wanted to marry Trish Stratus. I said that I did, but what if Trish said no?
• Starting the second half, West coach Mike D’Antoni decides to use his own guys as he starts Amare Stoudamire and Shawn Marion.
• Even without Steve Nash, Marion and Stoudamire are killing the East.
• Rip Hamilton needs to stick to shooting as he just threw a lob pass to Vince Carter that nearly hit the box at the top of the backboard.
• I think they’re going to try to get Marion the MVP as he’s the homeboy who went to school in Las Vegas.
• And it’s not like they introduced Larry Johnson, Stacey Augmon, or Anderson Hunt before the game.
• Big Play Ray Allen hit a three. West is up by 32 by the way, in case anyone was interested.
• I just asked Young Randall. There’s no mercy rule in the NBA.

(Since the game is a bore, it’s my job to show you something that was not boring and was in fact pure awesomeness. Check out the Shaq Daddy, Lebron, and Dwight Howard tearing it up over the weekend. By the way, Double J says that Shaq Daddy is now his favorite player of all time.)

• David Aldridge interviewed Gil Arenas and asked him about his early prediction that he was going to win the NBA. Gil said that right now, it was “less than likely”.
• Vince Carter hit a running baby hook in the paint and Magic Johnson somewhere just threw his fist in the air and said, ”Yeah!”.
• The game is so interesting that I was just checking to see who won the No Way Out main event between John Cena and Shawn Michaels against Batista and the Undertaker. Cena and HBK won if anyone cares.
• Shaq tried to take Mehmet Okur one on one and did a shake and bake and Okur simply stayed in one spot and didn’t need to move. Shaq missed a running 18 footer.
• By the way, the Luchadors started to get disinterested by the end of the first quarter, or when Mehmet Okur came in.
• An old friend once said that Young Randall and Rip Hamilton looked alike. Young Randall never liked that comparison. In order to make Young Randall feel better, Double J said that Young Randall looked like a handsome and beautiful man.

Beautiful Rip

• Out of our MVP predictions only Eddy and I have a shot. Carmelo and the white chick thriller are in the running.
• The West only won by 21 (153-132), but it felt like they won by 50. I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen a worse All-Star game when it actually came to watching competitive basketball.
• My prediction was right, the white chick thrilla, Kobe Bryant won the MVP and save for a few boos early on (Shaq might’ve been leading them), he does get several cheers.
• Mehmet didn’t play the lowest minutes as KG and Tim Duncan were out of the game early and never went back in, but had the game been competitive, he would’ve. Mehmet Okur, your Western All-Star representative. He had four points and two rebounds by the way.

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