by Honey B. Fly
I am a Tyra Banks fan. I love her big forehead, her glorious eyes, her juicy thighs, her loud mouth, and the way her cups runneth over. She’s a star, and Top Model could never work without her to nurture, inspire, sashay, and care about these girls for us. That said, I had to avert my eyes from her big entrance to Cycle 9. After a herd of 32 wide-eyed, gangly girls are seated in the dining room of a Caribbean cruise ship, Tyra appears on stage in a showgirl outfit that looks like it’s made of plastic. I won’t comment on how she looks in it, because Tyra Banks fans don’t go there. Her get-up is supposed to be funny, not sexy, and it’s neither. When she talk-sings like Marilyn Monroe into a microphone, she looks uncomfortable with the act and suffocated by her bustier. I don’t know whose idea it is for Tyra to prove she is likable and real by acting in goofy skits, but I prefer to see her just being her charismatic self. Undermining its strongest asset is a weak way for the show to begin, but I’m still optimistic.
The premiere episode is devoted to introducing the girls, differentiating them from one another, and creating a little bit of tension around which ones will be chosen for the final 13. Personally, I think it’s boring at best and mean at worst to foster feelings of affection in the viewers toward girls just so we can watch their hearts get broken 49 minutes later. Therefore, I’m going to ignore everyone who left in the first episode except for Spontaniouse. Spontaniouse was only on the show for a couple seconds, looking mediocre and walking horribly, but when will I ever get another chance to write the name Spontaniouse? Now that I’m over Spontaniouse, I can focus on the panel. Tyra, Miss J, and Mr. J look fantastic as always. Or should I say, they look fierce. One by one, they meet the models. Unlike the contestants on other reality/talent shows such as American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance, who often have quite a bit of training and professional experience, many of these girls look as if their knowledge of modeling begins with a subscription to Seventeen and ends with some sexy self-pics on their Myspace page. Only a couple of them look as if they have ever walked, posed, or asked to follow basic instructions in their lives.
Ambreal is one of the girls with a little experience to back up her raw talent. She goes to Howard University, sports an adorable ‘fro, and shows Tyra her impression of the Howard fashion show ghetto walk. She describes her look as having all the best things about being black – big nose, big lips, big butt. Although she believes her strength is in her love of walking, Mr. J says she looks too choreographed. Tyra tells Mr. and Miss J that if you took a little hoochie out of the ghetto walk it would be Naomi. Ambreal has a fun, confident personality, knows how to put together an outfit to show her personal style, and seems to be getting a huge kick out of the fact that she is part of the show.
Chantel is a naturally modelesque, self-proclaimed “perfect little Southern Barbie Doll”. She has silky, blond, teenage heiress hair. Her big eyes and pouting lips are vulnerable and angelic, but some of her photographs look a little hard and cold. She impresses the panel by saying she’d love to model for Rachel Roy, a New York designer whose name wouldn’t be familiar unless you religiously read VOGUE or know she married Damon Dash.
Heather slouches in and says “Hey pretty lady and Tyra”, inadvertently calling Miss J a pretty lady (which she surely loved), dissing Tyra (which surely bothered her), and ignoring Mr. J (who couldn’t care less, because he’s as icy as his ice-blond hair). When Heather announced she was diagnosed with a disability as a child, I fully expected her to say scoliosis. To describe her walk in the most generous way possible, she moves like an old woman with osteoperosis and a cane. Apparently, she doesn’t have that good of an excuse for her bad posture, because her disability is Aspergers’ Syndrome. This might not matter, because Heather has sylph-like body with actual breasts and an unnervingly beautiful face. She connects with the camera in photographs, which is something that escapes many pretty girls and can’t be taught. When Heather leaves, Mr. and Miss J wonder out loud if a gorgeous girl can achieve a great modeling career without the runway. Tyra says it’s fine that she can’t walk, because every now and then a runway model is just a clunky walker and it works anyway. Heather says she is here to represent the awkward girls and underdogs, and despite her shortcomings, I suspect she will do well.
Saleisha attended Tyra’s T-zone camp and says it improved her self esteem. She clearly idolizes Tyra, and says her dream is to model for Sport’s Illustrated and Victoria’s Secret. Although she is a pretty girl, I’m not blown away by her look. She will have to project something very special in her photographs to compete with the other girls.
Janet is a little spitfire from Georgia with short red hair. She shows up all smiles and “y’alls” and brags that her town just got a Walmart. She is an esthetician and explains to Tyra how she does a bikini wax. Tyra decides the process will go better if she gets on her hands and knees so Janet can do a demo of how the waxist pulls the cheeks apart to make all the unwanted hair “available.” She does not hesitate to spank Tyra’s ghetto booty while she has her on all fours, which I applaud. If you lose the competition but got to smack Tyra’s phatness, didn’t you really win? Tyra loves a girl who will perform a simulated kittycat wax, and Mr. J loves a girl who doesn’t need a makeover. She is a pixie with a mischievous look in her eye, and I can imagine her taking the whole competition. Janet is one of the girls who seems to understand how to get her picture taken.
Victoria calls herself a nerd from Yale. She has a long face and eyebrows like caterpillars. Without makeup, her big brown eyes, healthy dark-blond hair, and long, fragile limbs remind me of a baby deer. While she comes off as plain, there is something about her that compels you to look again. She earns points from me for reminding me of my best friend Miranda. Her friends convinced her to enter the competition as a joke, but she swears that it is serious for her now and she wants it as badly as any of the other girls. Although she tries to give her fellow contestants props for being “strong”, Tyra asks her to admit that she thinks some of the girls are dumb. Caught off-guard, she laughs a snorting laugh and confesses it is true. I love this girl. She gets sick on the boat. Poor Victoria. In photographs, her huge brown eyes are expressive and dreamy, and her pillowy lips create inexplicable sex appeal. I’m intrigued, and can’t wait to see how she handles a serious photo shoot.
Ebony is the clear bizawch of the show. Fortunately for her, she is also impeccable-looking. I see several body and facial parts on her that I would ask a plastic surgeon to copy. She has bone structure worth starving to expose, and starve she has. Fittingly, while the girls eat dinner she proposes they play a game and guess who has an eating disorder. This makes her incredibly popular as one of the skinniest among a group of skinny girls. One girl after another mentions to Tyra that Ebony is making them all miserable. Tyra asks her why she thinks the other girls don’t like her, and Ebony says it’s because she’s fierce. She says she’s from the hood and can’t let other people walk all over her. The talk show host in Tyra asks Ebony what deep pain in her life she is covering by acting this way. Ebony weeps huge tears and shares that her mother was on crack and she was raised by her grandmother. Poor Ebony. Mr. J says she is not evil and her heart isn’t black. Tyra says she needs a good old high fashion ass-whuppin.
Mila is an annoying ball of sunshine with a sheet of white-blond hair. Her look reminds me of a Trump daughter. I suspect Restylane in the lips. Tyra asks her some probing questions to bring out a vulnerable side, but Mila won’t play. She says crying is a waste of time. In a bikini, I think her body looks a little soft for runway, not to mention blindingly pale. Her stomp is more Marine than model, but her pictures look great.
Jenah immediately stands out as one of the prettiest outside photographs. She’s a redhead with an open, communicative face, creamy skin, and a body destined to showcase fashion. Mr. J says she belongs in a product campaign, and I can definitely see her as the next Noxema girl. Her face projects a Rebecca Gayheart-esque intimacy. She says girls don’t like her because is beautiful, smart, reads stuff, plays beer-pong, and parties with guys. After she leaves the room, the panel guffaws at the idea that a girl who drinks beer and parties with guys thinks those things make her better than the others. At only 18 years old, I think it must means she’s a little immature. Jenah has more exposure to modeling than the other girls because her mother was in the industry, but she still seems like she has a lot to learn about how to present for the camera. While her bodily poses are spot-on, her face tends to sneer, which does her a disservice.
Sarah tries to make them laugh by pulling an accordion-folded straw wrapper out of her nose. The panel looks confused. Top Model likes to include at least one heavier contestant, and Sarah supposedly is a plus-size girl. Tyra thinks she’s a little small for plus=size. I think she’s a little perfect. Out of all the other girls on the show, Sarah is the only one I’m curious to see naked. She’s got a rockin’ body, and any photographer who can’t take care of her cute little tummy roll isn’t worth his fee. Sarah tells Tyra she just thinks everyone should work with what they’ve got, and if they’ve got a lot, that’s cool. This seems to impress Tyra, as well as the J’s. I’m still reeling that the only girl on the show who could turn my boyfriend’s head on the street is labeled the fat chick.
The Fat Girl
Lisa looks like a baby J. Lo with springy curls. Actually, I think baby J. Lo did have springy curls. She shows the panel a picture of how dorky she looked as a kid, then tells them that she now works as an exotic dancer. Don’t worry, she’s the kind of exotic dancer who keeps her bikini top on. Later, she calls herself a “bikini dancer”. She also does a lap-dance on top of Saleisha. Lisa is one of the tallest and boniest girls on the show. Her pictures are heartbreakingly vulnerable. Even icy Mr. J thinks so.
Bianca is from Queens and says there are two kinds of bitches. The fun bitch (like her) and the bitchy-bitch (like Ebony). The way you know Bianca is a fun bitch is her weave cost 25 dollars and her bangs are purple. You know Ebony is a bitchy-bitch because Ebony’s cost 500.
Kimberly says she rides horses and screams to release stress. Other than having the best legs in the competition, I don’t remember much of anything interesting about Kimberly. Hopefully for her, she’ll do something soon to get our attention and stand a chance in this competition.
Those are our girls of Cycle 9! Every show after this one is sure to be far more interesting. I’m excited to see the photo shoots, the makeovers, and the catfight between Bianca and Lisa promised by the teasers. I promise to have subsequent posts out on Wednesday night. Ciao, baby doll.
