This was originally reviewed at Epinions.com.

I was talking to someone the other day (Joel Bito) about Danity Kane and when I told this person (Joel Bito) that Danity Kane was releasing another album, he (Joel Bito) was surprised. He figured Danity Kane was a fad, simply a here today, gone tomorrow like phenomenon. Much like a whisper in the wind. But nope, not with Diddy at the helm. Sure, he kicked Dream to the curb, but I don’t think they went platinum. Danity Kane’s rookie joint did and thanks to MTV’s Making The Band, they could get close again.

(They went number one first week and their sales were nearly the same as their first album. That says something.)

Welcome To The Dollhouse shouldn’t be as likable of a record as it is. The girls, Aubrey, Aundrea, Dawn, D. Woods, and Shannon are fairly cohesive as a unit, but other than Dawn and Aundrea, none of their vocals are very recognizable or standout. Their music is much like a popcorn movie. It sounds great, is hooky and catchy, but it’s not going to stick to your ribs. Actually, that’s the formula for their first album as well.

Read More

Saturday – My Best Friend’s Wedding

In one of the episodes during the last season of Beverly Hills, 90210, Dylan told Kelly that he was there when she was going to marry Brandon, but had to leave because he couldn’t imagine watching her marry someone else. That’s like my situation, except exactly the opposite.

I’m quite happy for both Carol and Jesus and today, they finally became husband and wife. When I told people what I was doing this weekend, I was continually getting asked the same question. Are you really going to her wedding? Of course I was going to go. First of all, we both put our kids first. That’s just what we do. And what kind of message would I be sending my kids if I missed their mom’s wedding? My kids are happy for them and how can I not be as well? Secondly, Carol and I are great friends. We know each other so well. We’ve known each other for nearly 10 years and I know that while she didn’t need my support today, she definitely welcomed it. I know that some of the response I’ll get is how noble it is that I am in support of the wedding, but it’s not as much noble as it is that it’s simply how our life works. We all support each other. That’s what family is for.

I didn’t have the kids all morning but I did get to work out early. Kelley and Carlos took JJ and Max to breakfast and I got to run once
more. And what a run it was. It was only a 2.5 mile run and at about the 1.7 mile mark, I thought I was going to pass out and die on the
treadmill. My left shin was pulsating and the arches of both feet were paining me. But I made it through and finished my run. At about that 1.7 mark, Hea Jin and Young Randall made their first appearance by visiting the gym and nearly made me fall off the treadmill from surprise. After my run, I saw Young Randall and we sat down to eat breakfast and chatted a bit. I was off, back to my room and Young Randall was off to find someone to hang out with near the pool.

I got ready, but labored a bit on the internet, and basically relaxed for a good hour. My legs were very tired and the only excuse I can give is that the air is higher in altitude out here and maybe that was the reason I gassed out so quickly. Maybe? I finally sauntered back to the lobby and found Kelley and Carlos and Ruben and Rhema and then out of the corner of my eye, Young Randall once again. But he was soon gone and I was sad.

Jesus took the kids back to get dressed and I found myself with about an hour to just do nothing before I had to get back to the room to change. I decided to read more of the first Potter book and found myself wanting to know why that darned Snape wanted the Sorcerer’s Stone and why Hagrid kept sticking up for him. Carol had just finished with getting her hair done and she surprised me. I thought it was Snape. Her hair looked great and I’m glad I got to spend a little bit of time with her before the wedding. I helped her find Ceci who was getting her hair done with her mother and also met Ceci’s grandmother. I once met Ceci’s and Joey’s mother at the house, but I’m not sure she remembered. We all walked back to the rooms and it was time to get ready.

I pretty much knew I’d be fine at the wedding. Carol and I have been separated for some time now and I obviously don’t see her in the same way anymore. It definitely was odd seeing her in a wedding dress though. Because we decided to buy a house, we didn’t have a wedding ceremony of our own. It was something we sometimes regretted, but knew that the benefit was that we owned a nice house and one the boys could grow up in.

The boys looked fabulously. Joey and Ceci looked great as well. Jesus was ready and Carol just couldn’t wait for everything to finally come to fruition. I took pictures, though because we were in an odd spot where it was both dark and light, the flash wouldn’t come on so a lot of the pictures showed up dark.

When the priest (or is it father?) asked who saw fit that this ceremony shouldn’t take place, everyone looked at me. I said fairly loudly, “Why is everyone looking at me?” This threw the priest (or is it father?) off his game and he chuckled one of those chuckles that made his entire body go up and down. Ok, I made that entire part up. That wasn’t even a part of his speech.

After they were pronounced husband and wife, it was time to kiss and Brian and JJ looked like they were force fed brussels sprouts. If this were 1985 and they were teenagers, they would’ve said, “Gag me with a spoon.” But it wasn’t, so they didn’t, and they just showed their displeasure of icky kissing.

The ceremony was very nice. It was outdoors and the weather was in our favor. The DJ was right in the middle of terrible and bad, but he couldn’t dampen our spirits. I had my iPod and I was ready to take over, but he looked so happy to be doing such a horrible job that I couldn’t replace him. This was a time of happiness. I couldn’t do it to him even though he played the instrumental to “Oh Christmas” as one of the dinner songs. I had a lot of fun catching up with Young Randall, who I haven’t really had the chance to spend time with recently. He had some great Young Randall stories and it was a fine time.

After we were nearly done, Carlos suggested that we all go rub a dub dub at the club across the way. Kelley would take all the children like the fabulous aunt that she is. It was Carlos, Carol, Jesus, Young Randall, HJ, and me and we were off. We actually had to wait about an hour and a half as it wasn’t yet time to let the grown ups get down on it. The teenagers had their own place to get crunk until 10PM, and then a half hour later, the place would be ours.

Now, I’m not sure if I’m getting old or what, but yikes, there’s a lot of bumping and grinding going on in the clubs these days. Actually, it was called a “discoteca”, rather than a club. Now, I’ve seen lots of folks who can’t dance just grind each other out on the dance floor, but this one took the cake. There was a platform right above me and lots of young women were wearing mini-skirts and flashing their underwear down below. I think I saw pink, yellow, and aqua colored. Young Randall said he saw white, but then said it might’ve been HJ’s. Ok, I’m kidding again. Young Randall is a saint and would never say that. This one young woman was grinding her invisible phallus into another girl who was slightly on the large side. They were up against the railing and I was below the railing. I made a hand gesture to suggest that I feared that she was going to fall on me and HJ had quite the laugh. I even did it again and again, she laughed. It was an easy crowd tonight.

But the best part of the night was when Jesus and Young Randall were doing the Soldier Boy dance in tandem. I’ve never in my life seen such greatness. If I had a camera, I wouldn’t have even bothered putting it on YouTube. YouTube couldn’t show the greatness of real life. There was a girl that was showing them how to do it. Carol was doing it as well, but the visual isn’t as funny when Carol is in the picture, so let’s pretend she wasn’t even there. It was just Jesus and Young Randall. They Superman’d the ho’, cranked that, and did everything else two heterosexual men could do on the dance floor right next to each other without crossing the line. If you were in the discoteca that night, you would never forget the evening. Save for my kids being born and when Rocky beat Clubber Lang, it might’ve been the greatest night of my life.

I’d say that the Cancun vacation was pretty good. Even though we ate like there was no tomorrow and will come home sun burned, I think we did ok. Our family is intact, stronger than ever, and ready for whatever this world brings us.

When I get married again, I don’t think I’ll do it in Cancun. Maybe we’ll shotgun it to Las Vegas. Just be ready. You might be called into Vegas on short notice.

The End

Friday – Defeated By The Sun

If this were a boxing match, I would be Ricky Hatton and the sun, Floyd Mayweather Jr.

If this were an arm wrestling contest, I would be “Bull” Hurley and the sun, Lincoln Hawk.

If this were American Idol, I would be Sweaty Phillip and the sun, Jordin Sparks.

(This is where I save Eddy Zucko the typing finger fatigue and tell him he doesn’t have to post the comment saying that he is the sun come Memorial Day 2008.)

The sun put a beating on me today. Actually, it nearly had me yesterday, but through perseverance and testicular fortitude, I survived. Today, I wasn’t so lucky. For the first three days that we were in Cancun, the weather was lousy. But man, these last two days have been spectacular. It hasn’t been super hot, but just hot enough to where the pool feels refreshing and you want to stay in the water as long as possible. But there’s one negative to that feeling. Even though you’re in the water, the sun still beats on you. By 4PM today, I had to end the game.

I even took about a 45 minute break from the sun because I could tell that it was going to beat me like the New York Giants beat Tony Romo. During those 45 minutes, I was able to get closer to clearing my second book of the trip, the first Harry Potter book. Why am I all of a sudden reading it? Well, for one, I really loved the latest movie, and secondly, the movies are on Blu ray and as I finish a book, I’m going to buy the disc on Blu ray and watch the movie. I’ve only seen the one that was out last summer so I’m not spoiling my reading by knowing what happens. That is, unless the Jo-man and the Bri-guy tell me. And no, in case anyone is asking, I’m not naming any future daughter of mine Hermione.

All of the kids are sun burned. I didn’t get it THAT badly, but poor Richard and Max, the fairer skinned of the clan, are bright pink. I told Richard that Crayola should create a new crayon color out of his skin and call it Richard. My poor nephews are going to be in for a tough couple of days. Brian and JJ also are burned, but they don’t get red as much as they just get dark. Joey and Ceci are in between, so they got a little bit of both.

Jesus’ sister Nancy, her husband Robert, and their new baby Sienna made it to Cancun yesterday, but today was the first chance we had to see them. I forgot to mention that Jesus’ parents made it in yesterday too. I have been in the same house as them three times, but haven’t met them once. How? Well they were down in Gilroy twice and when I came over, they were in bed already. And I visited their house and actually slept on their couch last summer but I got in when they were already asleep and left before they got up. Thus, yesterday was the first time I’d ever met them. Very nice people.

JJ and Max are asleep in my room tonight. Because JJ, Brian, Ceci, and Joey are all in one room with only two beds, Richard and Max haven’t been able to stay over night with them. So they made a plan to split up. JJ and Max came with me and Richard replaced JJ in his room so they were able to work it out. I have the little guys who fit perfectly in the double bed. They look like a mini Michael and JJ from Good Times.

Tomorrow is the big day and I plan to write a good bit about it. Also, I heard Hea Jin’s voice on one of the phone messages. She and Young Randall are now in town. Cancun may never be the same, again (said with a Canadian accent, with the long A).

Thursday – Salty Ocean Water

I really wanted to get up early and get the workout done before hand. I really really wanted to do this. I guess I didn’t want it badly enough though. I skipped the morning workout and went to breakfast with everyone else.

We went immediately to the pool and after 3 days of cold water and wind, the water was absolutely perfect. I didn’t want to leave it. Jesus’ brother Ruben brought a water football and we were chucking it around for a few hours.

(A funny story about Ruben and Jesus – when Ruben came in yesterday, because Jesus’ name is on our rooms, he left me a message on my room voice mail that actually wasn’t for me. All I had to hear was one word and I knew this voice mail wasn’t for me. Ruben said, “Hey Chewy, it’s Ruben …” as Jesus’ nickname is Chewy. The kids get a kick out of it and I have to admit, I do too.)

I really didn’t want to get out of the water, but we decided to go to the beach at another resort. This beach was supposed to be a little nicer than ours, but because of the recent hurricanes, there was very little sand. But I still had a grand time. I hate the beach. Well, let me take that back. I hate the beaches in Northern California. I think that if someone was introduced to beaches by going to one in Northern California, they would never go back. It’s always windy, the sand is more like dirt, and the water is so dirty that you end up with tons of sand in your water trousers. But not out here. While I remember the beach as being a little nicer than it was today, I still loved it. The sand was soft, you didn’t step on things that pierce your foot when you walk, and while the water wasn’t as clear as I remember, it was still fairly clear. But the part I enjoy the most is going way out in the middle and just letting the big waves hit me. By the time we got there, the water was already very choppy, so the boys didn’t want to come out and hit the waves with me, so I was the lonely one out there. But I was like a kid in the candy store and when we had to leave, I was a bit sad. I might’ve even shed a single tear.

By the time we got back, I was worn out. Because Brian and Joey decided to use my shoulders as diving boards, my neck was hurting to go along with my fatigued body. But I still had to get my run in. Thanks to Eddy Zucko, I haven’t missed a workout yet and I guess I should be thankful for that damn Zucko. Why? Because at this resort, drinks and food are everywhere. If I wasn’t working out, I’d have probably gained about 5 pounds already. But thanks to Eddy Zucko, I haven’t gained one.

After dinner, we all went to this show that was very audience driven. There were two hosts who were doing some skits based on audience participation. Jesus joined the beer relay and helped win some points for our blue team. I’m not sure if it was a good idea to split the crowd in half and call them the blue team and the red team. Why does it always have to go back to the gangs? Can’t we all just get along? They selected two captains for each team and the first game was music trivia. It was supposed to be 80s music trivia but when the first song was Elvis Presley’s Jailhouse Rock, Jesus and I decided that these Mexicans simply didn’t know what they were doing. The goal was that when the song was played (and we’re talking 2 seconds of the beginning of the song), our captain had to go to the center chair and put on a sombrero. Unfortunately, our captain was this old British guy, who we should call Digory, and he was a little slow on the trigger. He got the Elvis song, the Monkeys song, and Build Me Up Buttercup. Yep, not the 80s. We were supposed to help our captains, but I don’t think I was a good teammate. I knew at least 4 of the songs immediately, but I wasn’t shouting it out to Digory. Brian saw this and came over to me and said that he would run to Digory after I figured out what the song was, but Digory was too slow. I knew Hey Mickey, Billie Jean, and Smooth Criminal immediately, but Digory was an ask questions first and shoot last kind of guy. And thus, we were always second with the answer, even though I knew it before everyone else did.

It was a fun little show and the kids got to be apart of it at the end. They got up on the stage to do the YMCA dance and the Cha Cha. One of the hosts had to be wearing some Z Cavaricis that were very much Hammer pants. The other was like a broke George Lopez. But they were entertaining and the kids had a blast.

Tomorrow, I have to wake up at 6AM to go to watch the kids while Carol and Jesus go to the pool and get spots for all of us. It looks like pool day again and let’s hope the weather is just as good as it was today. Only 3 more days left and it’s back to Gilroy.

Wednesday – Meat

On Tuesday night, I called Carol to let her know that I needed swim suits and tooth brushes for the kids and on Wednesday morning at 7:45AM, she knocked on the door and dropped the stuff off. She wasn’t playing this morning. Brian finally woke up at about 8:30AM and started to watch Jumanji which I bought for the kids at Target the other day. JJ woke up some time after and they watched it together, letting me sleep in. I woke up, jumped in the shower and got ready to go. But we had a problem. JJ is a very skinny boy. Carol brought over brand new swim trunks and these swim trunks were just a tad bit too big. I told JJ to put them on and he did. But they immediately dropped to the floor. These trunks weren’t going to work. I told JJ that he had to swim in his underwear and he was not too happy about this.

Carol’s brother Carlos and his family made it into town and he called us to meet up for breakfast. Carlos and Kelley did the same kind of red eye trip that we did and they were exhausted. I told them that they could go find a place to sleep and I’d take my nephews Richard and Max back to the room with us. We were waiting for Carol and Jesus to get back so that we could grab some trunks for JJ. When they got done with what they were doing, we met them for lunch and Jesus had his kids with him, the Jo-man and Ceci. Carol and Ceci dropped Richard and Max with their parents so they could get their swimming gear on and Jesus and I took the three boys to the pool. I have been reading the first Narnia book, The Magician’s Nephew since I never read it as a child and have been enjoying it. I brought it to the pool and read it a bit until I decided to jump in the pool with the kids. However, the water was cold again so I tried to go in slowly. The Jo-man wouldn’t let that happen. He splashed me immediately and I told him that vengeance would be mine. It took me a few minutes, but I had him up in an Angle Slam soon enough and got him back.

After we got out of the pool, Carlos and Jesus took the kids to the beach for a little while and I went back to the room so I could go work out. I did 30 minutes on the exercise bike and lifted some weights and then went back to the room to get ready for dinner, which I was already late for. We had a Brazilian steakhouse type dinner where the waiters continued to bring skewers of meat until we Roberto Duran’d them. (No mas.) They brought chicken, beef, sausage, more chicken, chicken, and some more chicken. It was a feast for meat eaters. I can usually eat tons of junky types of foods, but meat makes me very full quickly so I didn’t really eat a ton of it.

While reading The Magician’s Nephew I started to think about the names of young children Polly and Digory and thought that they would be the names of my future children. Soon thereafter I soured on the name Polly, mostly because my mom’s name is Molly and you don’t need a Polly and Molly in the same family. But the name Digory stuck with me. I figure that in the next few years, if I have another male child, he will be either named Digory Walsh Gonzales or Digory Meltzer Gonzales.

I do have one word for Eddy Zucko though.

Tuesday – The Joke

I can’t find a way to watch American Idol in Cancun, so this week’s show recap will be very delayed. I think I’ll write it next Monday when I get home. I so wanted to watch it and have one of the cleaning ladies be my guest judge. But then they would just say how no one sounds as good as Julio Iglesias. So maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that this didn’t happen.

Today was actually fairly uneventful. But it was uneventful good. We all slept in very late because of the traveling we did late Sunday and early Monday that didn’t allow us to get much sleep. I think JJ might’ve slept all the way until 10:45AM.

We ate lunch at about 12:30PM and then it was off to the water again. This time, the water was freezing cold. But Double Bri was a trooper and he loves water. Poor JJ would go in, then get out and shiver like he was swimming in the snow. He did this about 3 times and each time he got out, it looked like his day in the water was over. But like Rocky Balboa, he’d make a dramatic comeback, jump into the water, and be a fireball of energy.

Because it was so cold, we couldn’t stand the water any longer and we had a break of about 3 hours before heading out to dinner. I decided that it’d be a great chance to get some running in since I’m still training for that sonuvagun Eddy Zucko. I got my 2.5 mile run in and only envisioned that Brokeback cowboy hat, those Mickey Mouse tattoos, and outrunning him for the finish line.

For dinner, we had to wear pants rather than shorts and that was a pain. It was so hot wearing jeans and a collared shirt in that restaurant. The food was decent, but we made sure to order lots of appetizers because there was a chance the portions would be small. I definitely ate my fair share of food and called it a night and took the boys back to the room.

Grandpa Jaime made another great sleeping face that the boys got a kick out of, but maybe the most memorable 30 seconds of entertainment was when the lunch waiter made a joke. He told Carol that JJ ordered her a shot of tequila and because JJ didn’t understand what the man was saying, he just said, “Si~!”. The waiter found out that Carol was full Colombian earlier and mentioned that he there were two ways to drink tequila. He said the Mexican way was to lick the salt, drink the tequila and then suck on a lime. He said that the Colombians did things differently and actually drank the tequila and then sucked on the lime before snorting the salt. Even though this man told this entire story in Spanish, I understood it entirely and laughed. I think JJ just said, “Si~!”

Sunday night – Monday: Red Eye

I think the last actual week long vacation I took was several years ago when we all went to Cancun to celebrate Carlos and Kelly’s revisiting of their nuptials. And now, we’re back, celebrating someone else’s impending nuptials. We’ll get to that later in the week.

As I’m in Cancun, and have a working internet connection, I figure I might as well blog the memories for the kids to read later on. One of the most important parts of this blog was going to be the photos that I was to immediately update, but I forgot the daggone camera. Oh well, Cancun isn’t photogenic is it?

We took a red eye late Sunday night after a tremendous Easter party. We stuffed the boys and myself, Carol, Jesus, Jaime and Elsa, and Carol’s grandmother into a limo with 14 suitcases and drove off the SFO. The poor limo was scraping as we were low riding on the free way. We flew Mexicana airline and I think Mexicana means uncomfortable in English. The first part of the flight, which took off at 12:30AM, was near 4 hours long and out of those 4 hours, I probably got about an hours worth of sleep. I must’ve been in an exit row because I couldn’t recline my seat. My neck was destroyed.

The second flight wasn’t as bad, except I had JJ on my right and he used my right arm as his pillow for the entire hour. I think I was going to read while on the flight, but kept dozing off. I had JJ on my right arm, and Dave Meltzer’s Wrestling Observer clutched in my left hand when we landed. We were finally at the resort, which is a resort that we’d been at before, called Moon Palace. It hasn’t changed much at all and we went right to the restaurant to eat. I hadn’t eaten real food other than Japanese crackers and dried squid since around 1PM the previous day so we were hongry (misspelling intended). We munched out and even though we were all tired, Jesus, me and the boys went to the pool. We couldn’t even check in for another couple hours so we decided to get in the water, which was cold because no one told Cancun that it’s supposed to be warm. Carol’s poor dad, Jaime, was so tired that he fell asleep in a chair while we were outside. Imagine someone tilting their head to the side and just leaving their head like that. And then imagine someone doing that, with their eyes closed and their mouth wide open. The kids wouldn’t stop laughing at their poor grandfather. But hey, at least he was getting some sleep.

After some time in the water, the boys and I were up in our room and soon thereafter, we were taking our two hour nap. I awoke after Carol called us to tell us to meet everyone for dinner and then tried to get the boys up. One was easy and one was not so easy. I tickled Brian, kissed his cheeks, told him jokes, and eventually he woke up a happy boy. I went over to JJ, stretched a little bit, talked myself into being ok with the fact that he was probably going to hate me for a few minutes and tried to talk to him. I did something that he hates, but I love. I yelled, “JJ, come out and playyyyyyyyy!” I’ve been doing this since he was a baby and he’s always hated it because it means that I’m trying to wake him up. One thing that he’s very good at is throwing blind kicks. The kid is sleeping, hears me trying to wake him up, and with eyes closed, can throw a sidekick that hits me right in the face. Every time. Brian and I tried to double team him and give him a reason to wake up. I told him we were going to dinner with mom. That didn’t work. I told him we were going to dinner with Doug and Claudia. That didn’t work. I told him Grandpa Jaime was going to fall asleep with his head tilted again. Brian laughed. JJ scowled. It took time, but we finally got him awake. And then we finally made it to dinner. And we had the most average dinner of all time. But at least it was food. And at least our bellies were full for tomorrow.

(I’ll just continue updating this post every so often and resend it out.)

We took it to the people. Here’s what they had to say.

I wrote something about the meeting between the Dallas Cowboys and the Philadelphia Eagles during the NFL season and titled the post, “Tony Romo’s Chastity Belt”. Consider this part two. For some reason, the words Tony Romo and chastity belt are being googled all around the world as it’s one of my most popular pieces. There’s definitely something freaky about that. Anyway, I simply needed to post this picture, mostly to show Eddy Zucko that his quarterback is weird and TO shouldn’t have cried for him. That’s my quarterback ……

This review was originally posted on Epinions.com.

Movie trailers are there to give you a sampling of what is to come, to whet your appetite and create anticipation. I’ve always loved movie trailers, even going back to when I was a child, wondering when the trailer to Rocky V was ever going to come. And after five years of hoping, that day happened and I was ecstatic. Trailers are great for kids because they love looking forward to things, except for the fact that “coming soon” means tomorrow in their eyes. When Horton Hears A Who! hit last year’s summer movie trailers, it worked because it was so dreamy and cute. With a movie that is so simple and based on a simple story, the Hollywood trailer was necessary. Seemingly, these movie folks know what they are doing.

Horton Hears A Who! is made by Blue Sky Studios, the same folks behind Ice Age. The animated films these days need to pacify two different audiences. When the film is G rated, like this adaptation of the Dr. Seuss book, the film has to be entertaining for both the young children and their parents. Many animated films these days try to impress the parents far too much and you get a lot of adult humor that is supposed to go over the heads of the young ones. With this film, for 99% of it, it’s focused completely towards the kids, which is very respectable. But there is a few minute stretch where the word idiot is thrown around as is the word boob, as a metaphor for idiot. Also, there’s a   picture of the back of a donkey’s rear end that is there so no one has to say the word a**. And really, for this movie, it wasn’t necessary. The movie didn’t play to the adults at all, save for a very short time. It would’ve been better to not play towards the adults at all.

Read More

Poor David “Shake Your Tailfeather” Hernandez. But after his poor performance, you can’t be surprised. He couldn’t take the pressure, but he’s not as loved or as impressive as David Archuleta, so he was definitely the easy choice. Maybe you’ll see David “Shake Whatcha Momma Gave Ya” at an all men strip club near you.

And yes, the hot list is back y’all.

The Hot List

1. Carly Smithson – She looks rough around the edges, but she’s my favorite singer so far.
2. David Cook – His image and style will take him far, but the all out rock vocals will only take him so far on this show.
3. David Archuleta – He was way nervous, but his fan base is still the biggest.
4. Chikezie – I don’t think Simon will every push him far enough to where he’ll get too popular, but he’s definitely fun.
5. Brooke White – She’s the most likable, until she cries every week. Then she’ll be hated quickly.
6. Jason Castro’s Dread Locks – If I have to hear how dreamy his eyes are again, I may throw up. Eddy Zucko is in love.
7. Ramiele Malubay – Just like Brenda K. Starr, I still believe.
8. Michael Johns – His middle name might be “bland”.
9. Amanda Overmyer – The skunk hair do needs to go.
10. Syesha Mercado – Don’t be the forgettable black girl. She has talent and needs to let loose.
11. Kristy Lee Cook – Simply in over her head with these folks.

The Departed

1. Young David Hernandez

This week, I have another pair of friends who are guest judging, but these two are married. Yes, to each other. Andrew and Amy Padgett are with me tonight. Let’s get it on like Marvin Gaye. Ok, maybe not that hard.

Read More

He’s accepted, it’s on, and it’s set.

Thanks to E! Online, I found a story about the CW Network possibly doing a spin-off of the greatest television show of all time. Though more than likely, it wouldn’t be good because most spin-offs aren’t well thought out (Joanie Loves Chachi?), I’m all for the idea. Actually, what I’m for is having the old cast members just randomly show up on the new show. Who wouldn’t want to see Dylan McKay surfing still into his 40s? Can you imagine how awesome it would be to see Brandon Walsh and Emily Valentine back together again as a married couple with Emily popping euphoria into his drink time and again? Hell, forget a contemporary spin-off. Let’s put the band back together~!

It is that time again. Considering I have a child who is 7 years old, it’s hard to believe that this show has been around for just as long as he has. But it’s the one reality TV show (or game show, whatever you want to call it) that I still get into. While you can argue that it’s cheesy and overproduced, what they have done is pretty much kept a format that works in tact. Whereas Survivor and Big Brother have had to reinvent themselves every season, AI only makes subtle changes and everything feels familiar.

So far this season, if you listen to the media, it’s David Archuleta and 11 geeks. While the kid is good, I find it hard to believe that he’s going to hold up all season long. Who does that leave? Well, it leaves a bunch of pretty good contestants, though we’re waiting for a few of them to leap out of the pack. Rather than do the hot list already, I’ll just list the competitors because other than Archuleta, no one stands out just yet. But that should change tonight. The hot list will be back next week.

Amanda Overmyer
Brooke White
Carly Smithson
Chikezie
David Archuleta
David Cook
David Hernandez
Jason Castro
Kristy Lee Cook
Michael Johns
Ramiele Malubay
Syesha Mercado

(In case you missed it, The Luchadors and I recorded our Idolcast, previewing this season.)

Joining me tonight are Patty Therre and George Bounacos. Patty is a wrestling journalist by trade, but mother, wife, and overall master of the web when not on the job. George is a music expert (and hyoooooge Beatles fan) who has also made a living in the internet world. I couldn’t ask for two better folks to help me kick off the first week.

Ryno is getting the show started by showing everyone the new stage, which looks pretty spectacular in HD. George is already cracking on Ryno’s hair and says it looks like Cameron Diaz’s from There’s Something About Mary. Too much cream gel in my opinion. Looks like they’re opening up the Lennon/McCartney song book tonight. I wonder how long they’ve been working on that one.

Syesha Mercado is up first and I guess she can’t do Whitney Houston this week. She’s singing Got To Get You Into My Life. If you look at her straight on, she has the Grace Jones tilted flat top, but really, her curly hair is just in a pony tail. It’s a decent start, though no one will really remember the performance at the end. She looked a bit nervous, but hey, she deserves to be. Randall says it started rough, but she had fun with it. Paula says it started off pitchy, but she found her zone midway through. Simon says it was a great song choice, but she looked nervous. George says she sounded a tad flat and then sharp and that he hated the big note at the end. Patty says Syesha is one her two favorite girls but she didn’t love the way she sang the song. She says it was better at the end than at the start, and channeled her inner Randall with an “it was alright dawg”. Song one, and we’re already in mid season form.

Looks like Chikezie baby is up. Early on, dude looked like half of Ruben Studdard. Now, he’s close to 1/3 of Big Rube. Dude must be slowing down on the carbs. He’s singing She’s A Woman and says he’s going to put a funk stain on it. Ok, he didn’t really say that. He just said he’d put his own funk on it. I just saw a banjo and a fiddle. This is going to be great. This is an odd one. It started country, then ‘Kezie started rockin’ out. Very fun performance with great energy, but I can see some folks thinking it was corny. Randall says he loved the arrangement and that ‘Kezie smashed it. Paula says something about reward being greater with risk, but it wasn’t very coherent. Simon says he looked drunk, but terrific. Terrificly drunk. George says it was a tough song choice, but it had a wicked cool arrangement. Patty says she liked the funky version of the song. Her husband thinks ‘Kezie looks like a big Gary Coleman. Where’s Willis?

George Loves Carly

Ramiele Malubay is next with In My Life. This one’s odd as she started shaky, seemed to find it, then lost it again, only to find it near the end. It wasn’t consistent, but you can hear the promise in her voice. Randall says it was kind of pretty, but also pretty boring. Paula says it was safe and she needs to take advantage of her voice. Simon says he was bored to tears throughout the entire song. George says she showed great control although the phrasing was a little odd. He also hated the big note at the end. Patty says it was also boring, and she started chanting, “Boring, boring, boring,” like she was watching a Ken Kennedy match.

Jason Castro’s dreadlocks is next. He’s singing If I Fell. He’s busted out the guitar. The guitar endears him to the crowd, but it also keeps him sitting in the chair, which might not be a good thing week after week. Very solid vocal and he does the big blue puppy dog eyes very well which keeps the female vote in his corner. George agrees with me on this and says he may be the favorite of every 14 year old girl in America. Though he needs to stop making those goofy faces. Randall says he liked it but the switches in the melody caused him to tune out. Paula says she feels his heart through his singing. At least I think through his singing. Simon says it was boring and he needs to choose better songs to suit his style. George says he showed range and is the best stylist of the guy crew. Patty says that she’s in love with him, though she says it was kind of boring and she wants to cut his hair. I think the hair is terrible too, but he needs to keep it or else he’ll fall in with everyone else. He stands out.

My favorite girl, Carly Smithson is up next and she’s dressed in blue, except for her tattoos. She’s singing Come Together which she says she sings every week at the restaurant she waitresses at. She definitely has stage presence and looks like she knows what she’s doing. It’s a powerful song and while I liked it, it was definitely odd hearing it out of her voice. She’s the closest thing to a ready made professional though. Randall says it was strong and confident and called it stellar. Paula says it was strange because she thought she was already watching a star. Simon says she chose the right song for once and it reminded him of Kelly Clarkson from 6 years ago. George is smitten. He says she may have the clearest vocal tone in the Top 12 and he would pay serious money to hear her duet with Melissa Etheridge. Patty says she is clearly one of the best female singers this year. She screamed in places and was slightly annoying, but Patty says it might’ve been annoying because she has a headache. 

David Cook and his soul patch are next. He’s doing Eleanor Rigby. I think the hip hop dudes have been sampling this one like crazy. Even though he looks like he was on a bender last night with Dave Batista and Rich Franklin, he has the females eating out of his hand. A little too much screaming and shouting near the end, but he definitely believes he can win this thing. His confidence shows through. Randall says once it hit the chorus, it was rockin’. Paula says he’s fantastic. Simon says it was brilliant. George says that if Chad Kroeger disappears, Cook is ready to step in. Patty says didn’t love “Comb Over” Cook, but definitely liked his performance.

Brooke White is next. Is she going curly or straight tonight? She’s singing Let It Be. It’s going to be hard to follow Carly and Soul Patch Cook. She’s at the piano and her vocal is pretty, but it’s also a little hoarse at times. Randall says it wasn’t her strongest performance but it was heartfelt. Paula says it’s the emotional connection that makes people fall in love with you. I think she means, cry more. Simon says it was one of the best performances of the night. George doesn’t like it at all. He says it’s like listening to Faith Hill or Carole King reaching for notes. Patty pretty much agrees with Paula and says she loves her because she’s real. Again, Brooke, keep crying. Slightly curly by the way, if anyone was wondering.

Patty Loves Chest Hair Johns

David “The Stripper” Hernandez is next. Tom Cruise, George Michael, and Danny Noreiga are in the front row making it rain. Ok, Danny Noreiga isn’t really there. The Stripper is performing I Saw Her Standing Her There. The dude might have to go back to stripping. I’m not exactly sure what he’s trying to do, but it’s pretty painful watching him. He’s out of his league compared to the better performers tonight. Randall says he was lost from the jump. Paula says he needed to scale back. Simon says it was corny and verging on desperate. George says it was an awful song choice, it?s out of his natural range, and he missed the minor notes. Patty didn’t like it either. She says it was ok, but it wasn’t anywhere near as good as his previous songs.

Amanda Overmyer is next and she’ll try and out shout Soul Patch Cook. She’s performing You Can’t Do That. She’s my least favorite of the final 12. Maybe it’s because she has a deeper voice than I do. Her performance is fun, even if she went for fun over strong vocals. Randall says she took a Beatles song and brought it to a Southern bar and rocked it out. Paula loves it. Simon says it wasn’t as good as last week and he only understood about 30% of the words. George says he doesn’t think he can do an entire CD of her. I’m just going to quote Patty here. I don’t think I could do it justice. She says, “I can’t stand her. She’s got an attitude that ticks me off. She’s a screamer and it’s getting old for me.” Wow!

Michael Johns and his chest hair are next. He’s doing Across The Universe. He’s getting into the song, and after having to hear Amanda’s raspy vocal, this is a breath of fresh air. It’s nice. Randall says it was good, but he was waiting for something big. Paula likes his quiet confidence and says it was brilliant. Simon says it was too safe. George thinks Johns could go top 6. Patty says he’s her guy and whatever he sings is fine with her. What if he sings Rainbow Connection?

Kristy Lee Cook says she’s trying so hard to make this song her own, that she called her mom for advice. Um, ok. Make it your mom’s then. Is it sad if I want KL Cook to do well simply because she trains for MMA? She chooses Eight Days A Week. She tries to put a fun, country slant on it, but it kind of comes off as a parody. She and David Hernandez probably won’t sleep much tonight.  Randall says he liked parts of it but it felt vocally forced. Paula says she didn’t enjoy it. Simon says it was horrendous and she sounded like Dolly Parton on helium. George thinks the country contingent will likely keep a cute blonde in the running, but thinks she’ll be in the bottom two. Patty says she’s not a bad singer but she just killed a Beatles song. She thinks she’s in trouble.

One more to go and oh, what a surprise. Big Dave Archuleta goes on last. Here’s my thing about Big Dave. When you’re such a prodigy, you’ve heard people give you praise thousands of times. So I don’t buy the reaction that he gives when he hears that he does well. It seems a little rehearsed to me. I will give you an out of left field analogy. Hulk Hogan ruled the 80s and 90s as a wrestler. He’s heard the biggest roars of applause that you can imagine. Yet, whenever he hears the crowd cheer him today, he seems surprised, maybe even a bit thankful that after all these years, people still cheer him. Well, that’s bull. The reason he does it is because the crowd eats out of his hand. He can wave his hand at them as if to say, “Oh stop it, I’m not that special,” and all it does is make them cheer more loudly. I think that’s what Big Dave is doing. While it might not be a genuine reaction from him, it’s brilliant. Egg them on young man. He’s signing We Can Work It Out. He forgets the lyrics. Yikes. This is the major reason I don’t think he wins. Most of these folks have been performing for many years, honing their skills at bars and gigs. He’s special, but he might not be ready. Pretty average performance. Randall says it wasn’t on point. Paula says to never let it show on your face. Simon says it was a mess. George simply says, “I hate this.” Patty says it?s good that he’s vulnerable because people need to be reminded to vote for him or he’ll be gone too soon. She does think he’ll bounce back next week though.

If I were to guess the bottom three, I’d guess KL Cook, Stripper Hernandez, and probably Syesha, but in any other year, Syesha’s probably a top 5 performer. That’s how deep this field is. This year is going to be tough. Carly, Soul Patch, and ‘Kezie showed that it’s not simply the Big Dave Archuleta show.

Be a man Eddy Zucko. Be a man.