When my buddy GB told me that he was going to be live blogging the Grammys tonight for SonicClash, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. He’s on the East Coast and he was going to be able to see it and blog it live and that left me with the option of not having to blog it, or even just bailing out on the show altogether. But then, I felt a tug on my heart. My little old home blog screamed out. It said that the home blog was home to several Grammys blogs before SonicClash was even a twinkle in GB’s eye.
Several years ago when writing the Grammys’ blog, I used to joke that the show was so long that I’d have to constantly fuel up with coffee just to keep up with the show. That’s no different here, but for now, I’m staying away from the coffee. I’m going with crystal-lite and rock star energy drink right now. Let’s see if I need to move onto coffee after a couple of hours.
(GB’s three-post opus is here, here, and here.)
The show starts at 8:00PM sharp and away we go.
8:01: Lady GaGa’s camel toe is opening up the show by singing Poker Face. Thank God for whoever created waxing.
8:03: GaGa and professional Grammys’ collaborator Elton John perform a duet with leaky eye black over their faces. Just watching GaGa sometimes makes you want to immediately take a shower.
8:07: Stephen Colbert tries to do stand-up and dies before a live audience. RIP.
8:12: Song of the year goes to a song with these lyrics, “Up in the club, we just broke up, I’m doing my own little thing/You decided to dip but now you wanna trip, cuz another brother noticed me.” If you guessed Beyonce’s Single Ladies, you are a winner. It might be the first time song writers won an award for a song that had the words, dip and trip rhymed together.
8:14: Green Day goes Broadway. I didn’t think I’d have to go make a sandwich so early in this Grammys.
8:25: Fergie’s hubby and the short blondie better known as Kristen Bell tell us to go vote for which Bon Jovi performance we want to hear later in the broadcast. If “none” was an option, I think I might’ve called in.
Aw Shucks
8:29: Whenever Beyonce starts to sing, “If I were a boy,” I want to finish the lyric and say, “you wouldn’t be as successful honey.”
8:31: Beyonce does Alanis Morisette which was cute, except I’m wondering all of a sudden why Beyonce is so angry at men these days. I mean, this has nothing to do with Rihanna right?
8:41: Pink puts on a performance that only merits this response from me, “Why isn’t she half as famous as Lady GaGa?” The woman was hanging and spinning in the air with her ass out and she sounded awesome.
8:54: Miley Cyrus gets through introducing The Black Eyed Peas with only saying “y’all” once. Good job Miley!
8:55: As I prepare for the arrival of Fergie in HD and the possibility of her face breaking my television, I simply decide to fast forward through her performance and thank the technology lords for the power of the DVR.
9:10: I just found out that they actually give the Grammy for Comedy Album on television. Stephen Colbert won posthumously if anyone cares.
9:18: Use Somebody by the Kings Of Leon won Record Of The Year. Fergie stood up, smiled, and clapped for them. Has there ever been a woman who gets less attractive as her smile widens? You’ve heard of “Stop snitchin’”? How about, “Stop smilin’”?
9:23: I was wondering if I was going to be able to get through Jamie Foxx’s Blame It without being bothered by the, “Kick it like judo” line. Nope, still bothered. You don’t kick in judo!
9:24: Jamie Foxx, Doug E. Fresh, T-Pain, and Slash are the answers to the question, “What various four dudes picked at random would I not mind hanging out with?”
9:26: All Justin Bieber did was stand next to Ke$ha and he got the clap.
9:31: Katy Perry is minding her manners with Alice Cooper, but it still doesn’t make up for the fact that she gave my wife Kara DioGuardi hell on American Idol last week.
9:35: The Zac Brown Band started their performance off by singing American The Beautiful. For a very small second, I thought Brother Ray was going to come out and sing with them.
Caffeine update – So far, no need for coffee. The crystal-lite and rock star are working strong together.
9:48: A word of advice for Taylor Swift – stay in your lane girl, you do fine in your lane.
9:53: Me and MJ are so in-tune, I didn’t even need 3-D glasses to see the Earth Song performance in 3-D.
9:55: I’m about ready for my man Usher to take Michael’s reigns and go for his. It’s time Ush, it’s time.
9:56: If they ever wanted to remake The Incredibly Shrinking Woman, Carrie Underwood could play the Lily Tomlin role. She’s getting so thin, she has the body of a 14-year old boy.
9:59: My man Money Mike said one time that only Michael Jackson could make a cool song singing about elephants and rhinos.
10:00: Damnit! Lionel Richie said, “unbelievable”, instead of “outrageous!”
10:17: Jay-Z, Rihanna, & Kanye West win Best Rap/Sung Collaboration Award for Run This Town. Two out of the three artists accepted the award. I’m going to give you one guess as to who wasn’t there to accept the award. All he wanted to do was change the color on your mood rings.
10:41: First Andy Samberg gets nominated in the Rap/Sung Collaboration and then Adam Sandler gets to introduce The Dave Matthews Band. Not a bad day to be a nerdy comic in the music industry.
10:44: DMB tore the house down, but Matthews himself got a little too Taylor Hicks on us at the end there.
10:46: We now know that Ricky Martin is alive and well. Not sure about Enrique Iglesias though. Check your milk cartons.
10:47: Beyonce wins for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance and usually it’s the back end of her assets that show off a bit, but not tonight. And up top, ugh, slightly bigger than two bee stings.
10:56: Maxwell just busted out with an “Ooooh yeaaah,” that made K-Ci from Jodeci stand-up and “Ooooh yeaaah” back at him.
10:59: I genuinely smiled for real for reals watching Maxwell and Roberta Flack go through “Where Is The Love?”
11:12: Lil’ Wayne is about 5’2” so it’s not just a creative name.
11:13: Eminem must be thinking that it wasn’t that long ago that it was him singing with Elton John instead of Lady GaGa and now he’s sharing the stage with the jabroni tag team champions, Wayne and Drake. How the mighty have fallen.
11:17: Though, I have to admit, Forever is a great track and Em’s verse on it is better than anything on his comeback album, which was absolutely a steaming, stinking pile of horse manure.
11:25: Taylor Swift just beat out Beyonce for Best Album. MTV Awards are one thing, but to lose a Grammy to this girl? Where’s Kanye now when Beyonce needed him?
11:26: Taylor had just a bit crazier than a regular “aw shucks” moment, but it was still an “aw shucks” moment.
11:30: Wait, this show is over on time?
Caffeine Update: Next year, I’m sticking with my crystal lite and rock star. It held up better than Beyonce’s hair weave.
Photo of Taylor Swift shared via Wikipedia and taken by Phillip Nelson
I actually didn’t *watch* the Grammys per se. I was in the other room, getting my jollies in a chat room and through Facebook. I only came out to watch certain performances. The show started out shaky, but redeemed itself towards the end. Maxwell and Roberta was good, DMB was good, Bocelli and Mary J. were good. Everything else rode the line between “eh” and “terrible”.
Quick notes:
-Right with you about Beyonce winning Song of the Year. I could write better lyrics than that.
-I find it incredibly ironic that Foxx and T-Pain won Best R&B Group Performance for a song that was 90% Auto-Tune (and not Taylor Swift subtle auto-tune either…)
-Seeing Prince and Paris on that show gave me a new respect for MJ. As fucked up as he was, those kids are amazingly well-adjusted and normal. Let’s hope Joe and Katie don’t mess them up.
I can’t believe you missed your girl Pink. She was awesome as well.
The show was ok, nothing special. Not very memorable, but maybe that’s a good thing since no one did anything dumb.
It was also a bit odd without an actual host, or the dude with the deep voice telling us who was coming up next.
I caught about 2/3 of Pink. She sounded good (and looked good too), but the flying trapeze thing is getting old. She did it on the VMAs and she also did it last time I saw her in concert.
But think about if you could do that, wouldn’t you do it anywhere? I’d be doing that everywhere I go.
I didn’t watch the show (I never do – lazy ass me) but love your running commentary. Totally entertaining. The only thing I’m sorry I missed is DMB – and I’m not surprised he got weird at the end, he’s just a generally weird dude.
You didn’t miss much. The Grammys have generally been more talk than anything lately. I could’ve done without it, but I have a bit of a streak going so I sat through it.
DMB was great. I’m not even a real big fan, but I loved their set.
Enrique Iglesias is just as good as his father when it comes to those love songs~.’