Happy 20th Anniversary – One Wedding And A Funeral #BevHills90210

One Wedding and a Funeral

This might be the saddest 90210 episode of all-time.

I feel like season six of Beverly Hills, 90210 is vastly underrated. After the fallout of Kelly choosing herself over Dylan and Brandon, season six starts a bit slow. But it picks up really quickly.

Let’s do a roll call. Where is each main character at this point?

- Kelly goes to New York on a modeling run and brings back a despicable human being Colin Robbins with her.

- Donna dates the despicable Ray Pruitt for the early episodes, but then changes over to Joe Bradley, quarterback of the California University (CU) football team, for some episodes. She’s also trying to become the Rose princess.

- Brandon, still bummed after losing out on Kelly, goes to Boston for the summer to write for the Boston Herald and decides to get back into journalism, falling for his editor, Susan Keats. He also delivers a baby in an elevator that stops working. What a guy.

- Steve has to take remedial math and Claire Arnold decides to tutor him. They also fall for each other after first finding each other on an Internet message board. By the way, season six Claire Arnold is on fire.

- Young David helps his mom move into her own place, but soon, she tries to commit suicide and Valerie Malone helps him cope since she had to see her own father die. They soon become romantic with each other.

- And as for Dylan? Well, he’s dead set on finding his father’s killer, who he IDs as Tony Marchette. He finds out that Marchette’s child goes to CU and is surprised to find her as the very beautiful Antonia “Toni” Marchette, who only ranks first in my rankings of most attractive 90210 characters of all-time. And there’s some distance between one and two. Of course, in trying to find more about her so he can get close enough to her dad to kill him, he immediately falls in love with her. As Brandon would put it, it’s classic McKay.

Actually, here’s the actual quote:

Brandon: Talk about your Capulets and your Montagues, you’re headed for a tragic ending Romeo.

Oh the foreshadowing.

On the episode right before our fateful recap, there was an earthquake that lasted around about 45 seconds and made the one in San Andreas look like child’s play. Like I mentioned before, the great Brandon Walsh delivered a baby in an elevator, with help from Keats.

But the most important thing that happened is that Dylan and Antonio became engaged to be married. Let’s go through the timeline of how this actually happened.

1. Dylan meets Antonia.
2. Dylan falls for Antonia.
3. Antonia falls for Dylan.
4. Antonia’s dad pulls a gun on Dylan at a restaurant.
5. Dylan pulls a gun on Antonia’s dad at the same restaurant.
6. Antonia moves in with Dylan after Antonia’s dad forbids her from seeing McKay.
7. Bruno, her limo driver and surrogate father, tries to be there for her and takes a liking to McKay.
8. Antonia asks her father if he had anything do with killing Dylan’s dad. His silence tells the full story.
9. Antonia and Dylan plan to move away so they can continue their life together, including marriage.
10. Antonia’s father plans to kill McKay.

Maybe the funniest thing about this is Antonia Marchette played by Rebecca Gayheart, looks 20, like her character is supposed to be. Luke Perry looks about 35.

Before 90210, Gayheart was best known as Noxzema girl.

I think it’s time to begin recapping, One Wedding And A Funeral, aka, the most sad episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 of all-time, which debuted on November 8, 1995.

If you want to follow along, Daily Motion has the full episode.

I’m not sure if I can deal with this heartbreak all over again.

0:00 – Kelly scolded Dylan in the previous episode for falling in love with Toni even though at one time he told her that they were supposed to be together. Let’s be mindful that Kelly came back from New York with a boyfriend. Brat. At the beginning of the episode, Donna has sympathy for Kelly because Dylan is getting married. Sympathy for Kelly? She chose herself!

1:25 – Marchette and his Wesley Snipes look-a-like henchman discuss setting up McKay. He says it’s going to look like a burglary and Marchette doesn’t want to hear any more about it until it’s done.

And then, it’s those dulcet tones!

3:30 – The female crew kidnaps Toni and the male crew kidnaps Dylan for their bachelor and bachelorette parties. Steve has whiskey that he’s been saving for a moment like this. They are 20 years old by the way.

At this same time, Marchette’s henchmen arrive at Dylan’s house to kill him, except, he’s leaving with the fellas. Henchmen decide to kill in broad daylight?

5:34 – The guys choose to play poker and the girls choose strippers and cigars. Even Keats was invited!

7:55 – Marchette doesn’t let Bruno in on the killing. Bruno thinks Antonia and Dylan are going to get married and live together happily ever after. He tells Marchette that their little girl is getting married. That was a bit creepy.

9:20 – While playing Gin, Dylan tells Brandon he’s the best friend he’s ever had. These are the same two guys who were fighting over Kelly the season before.

10:55 – Ray Pruitt at this point just does drive-bys. He comes to Donna’s house even though no one wants anything to do with him and then when he doesn’t get what he wants, he threatens Donna. What a guy.

12:06 – Kelly gives Antonia some sisterly advice. After you get married, go far away.

14:15 – Talk about drive-bys. Brandon brings over telegrams (telegrams?) from Jim and Cindy and Brenda to Dylan. Jim and Cindy are happy for him like their own son. Brenda says it settles Brenda vs Kelly forever.

(Don’t be so sure about that Brenda. Because when Dylan is gone for a few seasons, he’s supposedly hanging with you.)

17:30 – Antonia’s dad comes over and asks her not to get married. She’s heartbroken. Good old Bruno shows up like a hero and says he’ll walk her down the aisle. Have I mentioned Bruno is a bit creepy?

One Wedding and a Funeral 19:07 – The only two people at this private wedding are Brandon and Bruno. Antonia doesn’t even have a maid of honor. She’s such a loner. A beautiful loner, but still a loner.

21:30 – The groom kisses the bride. The groom’s hairline is receding. He’s only 20.

22:10 – And of course, BWalsh gives the toast. Cin, cin.

27:45 – Steve and Nat show up in tuxedos to present breakfast to the newlyweds at Dylan’s house even though it’s 4PM in the afternoon.

28:50 – Antonia’s dad calls and wants Dylan to show up at his office. Dramatic music starts to play. He’s put another hit on Dylan.

30:25 – The Wesley Snipes look-a-like tips off Bruno that they’re about to kill Dylan. Bruno tries to call Dylan’s house, but Antonia took the phone off the hook for pretty much no reason.

31:40 – Toni can’t find their new cat Trouble, who is a black cat that they found at their doorstep. Dylan has to go outside and find the cat.

32:30 – Bruno can’t get a hold of Dylan, so he calls the Peach Pit looking for Brandon. Of course Brandon is there. Why didn’t Bruno just go over to Dylan’s house?

33:05 – Antonia is adamant that they find this cat before they leave town for Hawaii, but Dylan can’t find the cat. He tells Antonia to go meet her father instead while he continues looking for the cat. The damn cat is coming with them to Hawaii.

33:55 – Brandon reaches Dylan’s house and tells him Bruno called. Antonia took Dylan’s Porsche and Brandon and Dylan try to catch up to her.

34:30 – The henchmen see Dylan’s Porsche and shoot the driver’s side, killing Antonia. Dylan and Brandon were seconds too late.

34:50 – In the greatest acting of Luke Perry’s life (yes, even better than 8 Seconds), he sees the beautiful Antonia dead and screams for Brandon.

One Wedding and a Funeral

No, God! Brandon! Oh Brandon! Oh my God! Look what they did to her Brandon!

Brandon can only watch on. This time, he can’t save the day.

It’s starting to get a little dusty in the room.

36:00 – Brandon wants Dylan to work with the police, but Dylan, with a steel glaze, says, “Let’s get this over with.”

(It was a drive-by. Detectives don’t really need Dylan to open up an investigation right?)

36:40 – At Antonia’s funeral, Steve says what everyone else is thinking, “She was so beautiful. How could anyone do this to her?”

38:25 – At the funeral, Dylan tells Brandon to have everyone leave. He’s got unfinished business. He walks over to Marchette who has wandered away. Antonia’s dad blames Dylan for her dying. He gives Dylan a gun and tells him to pull the trigger. Dylan says no.

My father is gone. Your daughter is gone. We’re even now. The killing is done.

(This line always bothered me tremendously. It’s not a fair trade. Marchette killed Dylan’s dad and his wife. And he only lost his daughter. How’s that fair? And we’re going to get to how dumb this is in a bit.)

40:12 – In the saddest part of the entire episode, Dylan is in his house and sees Toni’s dress and loses it. And then he finds the damn cat who ruined everything outside purring. The original song is Lyle Lovett’s Nobody Knows Me which added with Dylan crying, makes the room dustier than ever.

(In the DVD version of the show, there’s some terrible song that absolutely ruins the scene.)

42:45 – Brandon drives to Dylan’s house and sees Dylan ready to leave on his motorcycle. Dylan gives Brandon his keys to lock up his house. Dylan says he’s leaving and might come back someday.

Fade to black and credits.

Now, here’s what gets me about this episode. This entire storyline with Tony Marchette and his daughter Antonia is a way to write Luke Perry out of the show. Perry left the show to do more movies and TV shows. What’s weird about this is that he was able to do bigger movies while on the show than off the show.

But get this. Perry comes back to the show as a special guest in season 9, which helps the show with the loss of Jason Priestley who leaves in season 9. There’s a storyline in which Dylan finds out that his father Jack never really died. So he loses his beautiful wife for nothing. What the hell!

I don’t think I’ll ever get over that storyline. She was so beautiful. Farewell, Toni.

One Wedding and a Funeral

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