A Fall From Grace: The Jubilee Story + More Bachelor In Paradise Storylines

Bad Chad

The Bachelor In Paradise storylines are just the best.

The Bachelor and The Bachelorette might be the main courses of the Bach franchise, but to me, they’re like what college hoops is to the NBA. The only real reason to watch is to become familiar with the cast members who make it onto the crème de la crème, Bachelor In Paradise.

On The Bachelorette, I had to fast-forward or dry heave through all of the JoJo and Jordan Rogers scenes. To have to go through a full year of JoJo was rough. As everyone knows, I was #Dolo4Lolo. JoJo is milquetoast mixed with vanilla frosting. And now, I don’t have to see her because she’s not in Paradise.

(By the way, based on how much in love Jordan is with himself, JoJo might find herself in Paradise next year.)

While everyone is watching the Olympics, I’m watching the make-out Olympics, aka Paradise. Let’s take a look at the juiciest storylines so far.

ED Evan stays taking Ls.

On The Bachelorette, I was sympathetic toward ED (Erectile Dysfunctional) Evan in the same way that you’re sympathetic toward someone who is bullied. Bad Chad was merciless toward him. He saw fear in ED’s eyes and revelled in the idea of making him uncomfortable.

But at some point, the bullied has to get his win back. He has to stand up to the bully, set his shoes on fire while still on his feet, or at least put his finger in his chest. When the bullied doesn’t ever stand up to the bully, you stop feeling sorry for him. For ED, it’s just been L after L after L.

ED Evan

And on Paradise, the Ls haven’t stopped. Carly was looking for a rose and old Evan was just waiting there to take more Ls. Carly and Evan had terrible chemistry. When they kissed, Carly thought it was the worst. Evan thought it was the best. When they had to do a kissing contest after eating a hot pepper, Evan thought it was even hotter while Carly wanted to heave. But ED still gave her that rose.

Carly did the right thing, though, after she got that rose, and let ED down. But in doing so, she said the worst thing you can say to someone on Paradise. She wanted to be friends. How can you get friend-zoned on Paradise? Everyone is drunk and you basically have to be anti-hookup for it to not happen. But old ED got friend-zoned and then he cried.

The number of Ls that Evan took didn’t stop there, sadly. He decided to write himself letters to let himself know that he deserved love. And it gave him false confidence that he could steal Amanda from Josh (who we’ll get to in a bit). Rather than try to pull the robbery move on Josh like a normal individual, it looks like he snitches on Josh, letting Amanda know about rumors of Josh being emotionally abusive in his prior Bach relationship. Snitches get stitches Evan. I hope Bad Chad comes back and throws him in the water and holds his head down.

Lace works Grant for his rose.

Lace was attracted to Bad Chad until he became Even Worse Chad. But it made sense. If you chose one person to fall for Chad, it would’ve been Lace. This is the same Lace who on The Bachelor finale mentioned that she needed to stop drinking so much, and in just about the same breath, mentioned she was going on Paradise. Thankfully, she didn’t stay with Even Worse Chad.

But once Even Worse Chad was off the show, that left Lace without a rose. She did what we’d all do. She decided to work the guy she was hanging out with before Even Worse Chad; Grant. And Grand did what we’d all do. He was back in! And I think he was rewarded for his loyalty with coitus. Long live Lace. She’s a human treasure.

And all, she’s dated some people. She gets this stuff. Put a ring on it Grant. I would.

Lace

Oddly, Vinny is the man.

Vinny, who I drafted in The Bachelorette fantasy league (which means I root for him always), has been a surprise so far. He lasted longer than most thought with JoJo, but really, it was probably because JoJo forget he was there. I can’t remember a memorable thing Vinny did. But on Paradise, Vinny has been the man.

Wu TangVinny immediately vibed well with Izzy, but when Sarah found herself wondering if she’d be without a rose, she put the moves on my guy. All this did was put Izzy in overdrive. When she got her mits on my guy, she nearly swallowed his face. They weren’t just making out, they were slobbin’ down.

He chose Izzy as I guess her face swallow left more of an impression on him than Sarah’s make out session did. One word to Vinny though – he’s getting a little thin on top. I think I saw the Wu-Tang symbol on the top of his head like LeBron. Just go bald, my man.

What’s the Josh vs Nick story?

Being a relative newcomer to the franchise, I had to look up the Josh/Nick/Andi love triangle. While it wasn’t quite Dylan/Brandon/Kelly, it was still unfortunate for Nick. He was a two-time The Bachelorette loser, looking for love in Paradise. And really, if you do well on the big show, you should clean up in Paradise. And that’s what it looked like was going to happen with Nick.

Nick and Amanda (the single mom from Ben’s season) hit it off tremendously well. Though, I have to say it was quite uncomfortable watching Amanda FaceTime with her young daughter, trying to tell her daughter once more that she’s looking for love on reality shows while not being home. Amanda better find a husband out of this. At least find a second baby daddy.

And then, when all looked well for Nick, his arch-nemesis Josh showed up. Josh didn’t only eat his lunch, he drank his milk, called him a mouth-breather, and then threw down his punk card right in Nick’s face. To rub it in, Josh and Amanda decided to make out like they were sucking oxygen out of each other’s mouth in order to breathe and stay alive. They were living off each other through their tongues. Poor Nick didn’t know what hit him. Except, it was déjà vu all over again.

By the way, Josh’s former fiancée got on Twitter to throw some shade on him.

That seemed to be in retaliation to Josh dismissing stories from her book about him that ED Evan brought up in the preview for next week. Hmmm. Maybe I should cut ED some slack. Naw. I still hope Even Worse Chad dunks him under the water.

A Fall From Grace: The Jubilee Story

Here I thought it was the year of Jubilee. She was one of the most entertaining characters on Ben’s season, had the best (and saddest) story of everyone, but then there was some drama after the show was over when some of the other bi-racial cast mates said that she tried to paint herself as the “real Black girl” of the house. Then again, she kind of was.

I thought she was going to clean up big time on Paradise. If I could’ve bought Jubilee stock, I would’ve bought it. I figured that most of the dudes in the house would’ve been sweatin’ her big time. But it never happened. She put all her eggs in the Jared basket, lost out to one of the twins, and was without a rose after the first rose ceremony.

By the way, the twins must scour Twitter to see if anyone is talking about them.

This is all I tweeted.

And low and behold, look who favorited that tweet very soon after. Good old Emily was definitely hitting up that #BachelorInParadise hashtag. Go get yours Emily.

Twins

Looking at Jubilee’s own Twitter timeline, she may not be doing too badly herself.

Where’s Olivia?

I’ve been anticipating the arrival of Olivia, who was the Bad Chad of The Bachelor. She wasn’t as violent as he was, but she was just as obnoxious.

Come at me bro

Where is she? I see that Caila is ready to debut next week. But where’s Ms. Electricity Olivia? Just come at her bro.

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