This is a little hard to write because there’s no way I could do this justice in words, based on the feelings and emotions inside of me right now. To make a long story short, the girl I dated for 18 months (I’ll still save her name here just in case, but most of you know already) and I went on a break in the late summer and with those kinds of things, it’s not always certain that it was going to work. The idea was to fix some personal things and then come back stronger than ever.

(And if you knew the story and knew the intricacies around both of our lives, doing this would make a bit more sense. It probably doesn’t make much sense now.)

In a perfect world, it can happen. In a world where everything isn’t sunshine and rainbows, it doesn’t always happen. Unfortunately (and maybe predictably), it didn’t work out. And while I was ok with the idea that we weren’t going to be together anymore, there was still something incomplete about the entire thing. It was one of those here today, gone tomorrow kind of things. Especially in a long distance relationship, which is what we had, it’s hard to solve every issue, or at least tackle every issue together. Thus, you do many things that are two person jobs, by yourself, or only with some guidance. But alas, you can’t resolve them fully together. Whether it’s looking into her eyes or grabbing her hand softly which can mean, “It’s going to be ok,” much more than saying those words can mean, the absence of that is very visible to me now. It wasn’t that I overlooked it then, but it was just that I knew what the deal was and looked forward to where it was supposed to go.

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I recognized something today. Now, I always knew this something about myself, but I couldn’t really put it into context until today. Some of you will say that you knew this about me already. And I will say, I did too, but I guess I didn’t know why. Let me tell you a story.

When I was first dating Carol, I was going to college and also working part time at Blockbuster Video. Albert was actually the assistant manager at the time. I don’t remember if Eddy Zucko was working there at the time or not. I will keep this next person nameless, but he was in one relationship and also talking to one of the girls in the store. This girl was a piece of work. She had issues at home, had two kids of her own, and was in a terrible relationship. One night while I was working with Albert, she called asking for Mr. Nameless but he wasn’t there. I might’ve been actually covering his shift. She said that if I saw him, to pass on the message that she needed him to call her. I finally saw him later that night and passed on the message. He told me what the issue was and he couldn’t bother with her on this night. Basically, she was abandoned by her baby daddy and she didn’t have a ride. Her boyfriend/baby daddy literally kicked her out of the car while driving somewhere 20 minutes away from her house. Mr. Nameless left her hanging and she called back again and asked if I could come get her. I couldn’t leave her hanging, so I went to pick her up. That bastard Albert even made me clock out.

When we came back to the store, this girl was very disheveled and emotional. She said she had no place to go. I had a bright idea. Why not ask Carol if she could sleep on her couch? Carol had just moved into a house with two of her girlfriends. Perfect right? Of course not. Carol basically told me that it was a terrible idea and who did I think I was, trying to save that girl. I didn’t think I was anyone. I just didn’t want to leave her on the street. And then Carol said, “Who are you? Captain Save ‘Em?”

(She didn’t actually say Captain Save ‘Em. She used the phrase that everyone knows.)

I was at odds with what I did. Wasn’t I supposed to help people? Didn’t I do the good deed? Didn’t I help this girl when the guy who was crushin’ on her left her out in the cold? Well, what stayed with me from that experience is what Carol called me. It has stayed with me ever since.

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Before I get to the 25 things, is it just me, or is the new American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi always flirting with me when she’s judging ? And why do I find her any sort of attractive? But I’d be lying if I said that whenever I put on the show in the background, I turn my head to the TV just to see her talk. And yes, she’s really talking to me.

Now that Kara is out of the way, I wanted to post something that I put on Facebook yesterday. I don’t imagine that anyone reading this who is on Facebook isn’t already a friend that site. Anyway, you might not have seen it there. The idea was to post 25 things about yourself and then tag 25 others who were to follow suit.

I will change it just ever so slightly here, but the meaning is all the same. And some of this might not be any surprise to anyone who has read this blog before.

1. I have an interesting work schedule. I go into the office three days a week and my commute is roughly 2 1/2 hours (with BART) up and slightly less than that back. Two days a week, I get to work from home, but the kids get home at 3PM so my time is definitely crunched between working, helping them with homework, cooking dinner, and coaching whatever sports we’re doing at that moment.

2. I am really good friends with my ex-wife and her husband and truly believe that the success of their relationship has a lot to do with how we all get along as a family. We’re tight knit.

3. I’m a commitment/relationship freak. I’ve been in 3 relationships in my life and all at least 18 months long, with my marriage being the longest at nearly 6 years long (nearly another year and a half I think if you count the separation time).

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(I know the blog looks funky, but soon it won’t. Carletta is going to add some of the functionality back and we might even switch themes.)

For some reason, I haven’t been able to share my thoughts in this space of late. But I think I got my mojo back, at least for this night.

This feels a bit familiar, but altogether new at the same time. When Carol and I separated, I had a lot of anger, frustration, and uncertainty. This time, there’s none of that. There’s a certain understanding that she and I have and I’m actually quite ok with the result even if I do miss her dearly. I’m ok with the fact that she took charge of her life and created her own path. In a way that probably sounds weird, I’m proud of her courageousness. And she’ll always have a piece of my heart.

Where does it leave me? Back at square one I guess. What I do know now is that I’m in a much stronger place in my life then when I started. I was able to treat her the way she deserved to be treated, love her freely and without expectation, and give her what I thought she wanted and needed. I was a tiny bit worried that being divorced would leave me bitter about relationships in general, but I loved every second of it.

Our quiet time
Your beautiful mind
They’re a part of the list
Things that I miss

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I was texting with Eddy Zucko today about the fight between Manny Pacquiao and Oscar De La Hoya (which I recapped here) and I was telling him about how I needed an Oscar victory because the rest of my sports life absolutely sucks. I told him that the SF Giants were terrible, the 49ers were awful, the Warriors might be the most dysfunctional team in basketball, and that all I had left was Oscar De La Hoya and Hulk Hogan. And then I remembered that my favorite fighter Chuck Liddell got his head knocked off in his most recent fight. Then he texted me back that Hulk Hogan sucked. So really, all I had was Oscar. And Oscar broke my heart. Actually, maybe Manny Pacquaio broke my heart. He sure broke Oscar’s. It was a dismantling.

How many of you can say that you’ve had your picture taken with someone who is on your top ten list? You know who is number 1A on my top ten list. She sits right atop this blog in my banner. She has blond hair. And packs junk in her trunk like she’s moving across town. Well, you can’t see that part. But there’s someone in that top ten list of mine that I recently took a picture with. Let me explain it a bit.

I was out at a Strikeforce show with my buddy Cactus Jim and his girlfriend Jan. Jan had the hookup and we had great seats. We were there early so some of the fighters were walking around the arena. Jim pointed at Randy Couture and he was probably less than 15 feet away from us. I’m not usually the star gazing type, but I thought it was cool. I wasn’t going to go shake his hand or chit chat with him. He’s a busy man and it doesn’t change my life any to get some words of wisdom from the man. And this is a guy who I enjoy watching in the cage. And then Jim pointed again and said, “There’s Gina.” And I knew he wasn’t talking about my cousin Gina.

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Then I go to my brother
And I say brother help me please
But he winds up knocking me
Back down on my knees

Ohhhhhhhhh…..

There been times that I thought I couldn’t last for long
But now I think I’m able to carry on
It’s been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

Sam Cooke (1964)

I never thought that I’d actually talk about the presidential election on this blog. It’s really not my style. After Barack Obama won the election, I had a restored faith in humanity (which was nearly lost when Prop 8 passed, but that’s a different blog altogether), but also a fear of what’s to come. It’s not a fear about what kind of job he’s going to do. No one knows. One of the dumbest things I continue to hear from the McCain backers is, “Beware of what you wished for.” Beware of what? The future? No one knows what’s going to happen. No one knows exactly what type of president Obama is going to become. The time where, “Beware of what you wished for,” would’ve made any sense was when George Bush was re-elected, because we knew exactly what he was about. And yet, he was re-elected.

Who I fear are us.

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Even you, yes you, can learn something from Beverly Hills, 90210. I was zipping through season 4 while on the eliptical machine at the gym and during this season was a two episode stint in which Christine Elise played her most famous character, Emily Valentine again. If you remember Emily from season 2, she was crazy in love and psycho. She even set the homecoming (or whatever high school deal it was) float on fire. During these two episodes, Brandon took a drive to San Francisco and found her and they fell back in love. Awwwww. How cute. But what Brandon didn’t know was that Emily had been accepted to study marine biology in France. France you say? Yes, France. But she was ready to give it up all for Brandon, who had just come back into her life after she thought she’d never see him again. He told her she couldn’t and that she had to go. She said that she couldn’t ask him to be faithful to her, but she could only ask him to be faithful to himself. And while I think it was only a week or two later that he was banging his teacher’s wife, I believed for that moment, that he was going to wait for her. So what’s the moral to this story? It’s that Emily had to live her dreams and move forward with her life. Whether you’re married, single, divorced like me, parents or not, crazy, sane, or whatever, there’s one thing that you can do for yourself. And it’s to be faithful to you.

Always move forward, never backwards.

Carrying on …

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This picture to the left is the product of what happens when brothers fool around. I wasn’t there, but from what I was told, the boys decided that if they rolled off the couch together and onto the floor, it would provide them much entertainment. After the first time, they decided to do it again. And by the time they hit the floor the second time, JJ had a black eye. We’re not exactly sure how he got the black eye, but I think Brian outweighs by at least 25 pounds and maybe more, so that gives you an idea.

Onto other thoughts …

What is it with women on their cell phone in the gym? Last night, while at the gym, there were two women walking on the treadmill and talking on the cell phone at the same time. I guess some people need some sort of entertainment while exercising, but I can’t imagine they are going to be able to push themselves a little harder while talking on the celly telly. It’s not like the inspiration I get to push it to the limits from watching Season 4 of Beverly Hills, 90210. And I really hate John Sears by the way. He should’ve been given the death penalty. I’m also right at the part where Brandon sleeps with his professor’s wife. Well, they haven’t done it yet, but I know it’s coming.

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As some of you know, she is going to school to become an HHP which stands for holistic health practitioner. She’s already a licensed esthetician and massage therapist. I asked her the other day for some HHP advice about eating and she basically said that I had should eat closer to the earth.

I said, “Is it that simple young Jedi?”

Ok, I didn’t really call her young Jedi. But she basically said, “It’s that simple.” Now, I’m rarely home on the days I’m in the office (I’m out at 8AM and home by 9PM usually), which kind of hurts this plan, but I definitely will try to eat more fruits and vegetables. Now how do I get creative enough to cook them? No clue really. And I’m guessing lettuce doesn’t count.

But one thing I did do was completely cut out my diet soda intake. Blake will be so angry with me. I remember I started drinking diet soda in 2003 because it was right after I went back to Epinions. About 10 days ago, I just stopped drinking soda completely. I didn’t do it for any reason other than I felt too dependent on it. It was like my go juice in a sense. What was hard was having to stop drink energy drinks, because technically, they are just hyper caffeinated soda. I think I started drinking Red Bull at San Jose State but stopped. I started drinking it again when I started working and almost immediately had a long commute and I never stopped drinking them. I won’t stop drinking coffee if I think I need it though.

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I shortened the title to this post. “These Are” didn’t seem necessary today.

I was in So. Cal this weekend and she and I finally saw The Dark Knight. What a great flick. There was such an immense attention to detail and the director’s vision was so creative, yet logical at the same time.

It was the first movie that she and I have seen together in person, and I’m not sure there’s a more fun person to watch a movie with. I’m not the type of film watcher who shuns people who talk during movies. If someone wants to make a comment, I can both watch the film and pay attention to their comment at the same time. I know there are some people who need to be completely focused at all times, or else they can’t get into movies. I’m not that guy. But she is the single loudest person in the theater. Even when she knows to expect to be surprised, she still screams and jumps in her seat. She laughs at most of the punchlines, even if they aren’t great. But she’s also really good at seeing where things are going several minutes before they happen. And she voices that out loud as well. So if you don’t see where things are going, and don’t want to know, you’re going to have to just tune her out.

I just finished watching the gold medal basketball game between Team USA and Spain and it was an excellent basketball game. Spain was the perfect underdog. They were fundamentally sound, but had just the right recipe of players to match up against USA. But man, they play some bush league basketball. I understand that when you play the more talented team, you have to do a few things to try to take them out of the game and see if you can upset their composure. That has been the achilles heel of Team USA, even when they were still winning gold medals. But it didn’t work here and it just made Spain look like a bunch of loud mouthed jerks. They set screens high on players before half court. They hold guys when they’re trying to run back on defense. And they do so much pointing and yelling and screaming that you would’ve thought they were getting screwed out of something.

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