Being that I wasn’t able to watch it live this year, I pretty much decided that I wouldn’t do my normal live blog style for the VMAs. I’ll write something entirely different for Mikey’s site on Popblerd!. Out of curiosity, I took a look at how many times I’ve blogged this show throughout the years. I counted eight times. Eight times! From what I can tell, the only time since 2004 that I didn’t blog about this show was in 2008. What was going on in 2008? I wonder if I was on strike from the show for some odd reason. If you look over to the right, you’ll see links to all of my reports of the show. You’ll notice that there’s one from 1991. Yes! I invented blogging. Okay, that’s not true. I actually re-watched a VHS copy of the 1991 show and pretended that I was blogging it live a few years ago. It was funky like doo-doo.
Since I have some kind of streak going, I had to do it. It’s like good blog karma or something. So here we go …
(Before we get there, by showing all my old blogs at once, I’m really showing how often I repeat jokes. I’ll just apologize to Missy Elliott here and now. I really, really apologize.)
5:02: It’s quite possible that Rihanna is the biggest star MTV has for this show. And they usually lead-off with the biggest star (Brit in 2007, Eminem in 2009). No surprise here that she’s hitting lead-off. When Rihanna says that we found love in a hopeless place, is she using the royal we?
5:06: The miniature Kevin Hart is hosting. Give that man a crooked eye and he kind of looks like Bushwick Bill.
5:12: Hart’s monologue ended with how everyone makes mistakes (Kristen Stewart, me and Edward the Vampire are looking at you girl), including MTV for allowing Russell Brand to host (twice!). And then he immediately threw it to Katy Perry. This show is rigged.
5:14: I’m not sure if this is good or bad, but I knew all of but one song which was up for Best Pop Video. And yes, that one song was the one that won. One Direction looks like they should really be called 4 Jonas Brothers And A Mexican Dude.
5:26: Miley Cyrus just showed up on stage to introduce Pink. Annie Lennox wants her hair-do back Miles.
5:32: Chris Brown won an award and came out with platinum blond hair. I’m not sure if he was going with the Sisqo look or Chris Tucker from The 5th Element.
5:39: This might make me a bad music fan, but I liked Frank Ocean better singing hooks on Watch The Throne than I did on his solo debut. My man is too obtuse for me.
5:52: First Nicki Minaj badonk shot. Damn. I hope it’s not the last.
6:02: One Direction just performed and The Wanted are now out introducing an award. Remember when boy bands were household names? I think I’d take 98 Degrees over both of them and 98 Degrees sucked. Word to the homey Nick Lachey.
6:05: Nicki just won Best Booty, beating out Kim Kardashian and Jessica Biel. Okay, she really won Best Female. Probably should’ve won Most Female.
6:13: 2Chainz! He’s now performing. If you think his name is dumb, you should’ve seen him when he rapped as Tity Boi. Also, if Lil’ Wayne sat on Kevin Hart’s shoulders, would they equal a normal sized person?
6:34: It’s Jacob The Werewolf and Edward The Vampire, but where’s Bella The Sap? Hmmm. Oh, and there’s Mr. Kelly Taylor. Too soon?
6:37: What species is Wiz Khalifa? And One Direction beat out Carly Rae Jepsen. I demand a recount. I’d let Carly call me, maybe.
6:44: McKayla Maroney, Gabby Douglas, and the three other less famous girls from the US Gymnastics team introduced Alicia Keys. I’m sad. McKayle didn’t do the “McKayla is not impressed” face.
6:47: Alicia Keys, Miss Katniss Everdeen would like royalties for your new song, Girl On Fire. It was kind of slick to see Gabby Douglass involved in her performance since Nicki Minaj raps a line about Gabby on the song. Kanye’s probably pissed that he didn’t name drop Gabby Douglas first.
6:55: I can live with Rihanna winning Video Of The Year. She’s the biggest star on the stage, save probably for Taylor Swift.
6:58: Speaking of Taylor Swift, she closes the show with We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together. Andre 3000 just asked, “Forever, ever, ever ever?”
7:00: Um, that’s all? That was it? This show was shorter than Kevin Hart.